Going Postal by Kenneth Jackson - Drama - A psychotic mailman try’s to get through life without losing his mind, while a ex convict adapts to normal life. 86 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Kenneth,

I like your title, but I'm not sure about your logline.
Who's the leading role in this story?

I'm all but fluent in English but here it goes.

I read the first 20 pages:

* Get rid of CONTINUED on your pages. You don't need that (yet).
* You constanly seem to have problems with your nouns. In these cases you're forgetting it's noun+t.
* Get rid of "fuck you" in most cases.
* Make your hero(s) stand out more.
* Make it more difficult for John to find a job. Frank gives in to easily.
* A lott of your dialog is "on the nose".
* I also have the feeling your writing is to "staccato'. Pull some of your sentences together.
* To much slang "Howdy" etc.
* Try to not begin with a "persons name" in almost every sentence. Break it up with He/She...
* Your phone conversations look/sound odd.

pag 1:
"...if you ask me it looks..."

Shit man what are you trying to be born again or something.
BECOMES
Shit man are you trying to be born again or something.
OR
Shit man what are you trying (...,--) to be born again or something.

pag 3:
John starts walking towards a sign that reeds: "Norton Town 100 miles".

pag 4
I like the dog/cats stuff.

pag 5;
In you phone conversation use (CONT'D) when we see/hear John talking.

pag 8:
I like:
"Easy there son. Before I give you a speading ticket."

pag 9:
"...to make me fell good."

pag 15;
"...walk out "of" franks office."

pag 20:

                    TIMMY
       Hey, nobody ever calls me chicken.

He attacks.

They run....

                     TIMMY
        I told you I would defeat you...
                (laughs maniacally)
        Now you must die!

Timmy pulls back and swings for a beheading blow. Mariska blocks it and hits Timmy accros the chest, knocking the stick from his hand.


Regards Rutger