Jake's Birthday - Print Topic

Posted by: Don, August 31st, 2011, 6:56pm

Jake's Birthday by Chike Camara - Short, Drama - What happens when fate brings a suicidal man and the son he hasn't seen since birth together? 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Posted by: TheSecond, August 31st, 2011, 7:49pm; Reply: 1

Lol! What a great ending! Not a bad script here, I'm glad I read it the whole way through. There are a lot of Jake's and some areas that can be tightened up, but over all it had great suspense and that ending was just awesome!! Nice work.

Posted by: purplefilms, September 20th, 2011, 8:52am; Reply: 2

Thanks! Much appreciated. Yeah, def. need to tighten it...

chi

Posted by: darrentomalin, September 20th, 2011, 12:10pm; Reply: 3

This was an interesting story. Mary had quite a chip on her shoulder huh?
Tragic ending which came out of the blue.
Some of it isn't necessary such as the ride to big Jakes house and trimming some of the padding in the descriptions (making the fish and chips mostly and the pillow - if he is going to kill himself, why is he worried if someone hears?) might help with the rhythm but I am no expert so it might be just me lol.
Really great - a few tweaks here and there and it would be a nice and smooth story.
Daz

Posted by: purplefilms, September 26th, 2011, 9:40am; Reply: 4

yes considered that but kept it to express a remnant of his character before he got to that state. It's more of a question of him being the type of person who would try to make his death quiet. Didn't think that logic was strongly necessary there...

chi

Posted by: Andrew, September 26th, 2011, 12:57pm; Reply: 5

This isn't so different a premise from my own script dealing with a suicidal father. You've got some nice touches in, inc. that he's 'Uncle' Jake and she blames the young lad for all her problems. His dancing with suicide and then opening the door to his son was a little jarring but reflects his internal plight and how it sits alongside the ongoing reality we call life - just because he's depressed, it doesn't mean the world will stop for him. It would likely work better on screen, but I think you could smooth that over a touch. The ending was surprising and I'm not sure I liked it. It just felt a little definitive. I think you could cut out some of the lead up and then more fully realise the conclusion you're looking for. Would be interested to see a rewrite.

Posted by: purplefilms, October 5th, 2011, 12:06pm; Reply: 6

Okay thanks. Certainly not everyone's cup of tea. Haven't read yours but maybe i should? After some time apart from it, i may rewrite.

BTW that is the conclusion i was "looking for"; i'm happy with it. But there are some things that need to be tightened. Thanks, bro....

...Stay hungry my friends...