Ema Bye Bye by Simon - Short, Drama - A meeting of curiosity to discuss the cancellation of EMA 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Quoted from Don Ema Bye Bye by Simon - Short, Drama - A meeting of curiosity to discuss the cancellation of EMA 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Simon, I just read your short. I didn't like it very much. A little too preachy and not enough story. I think you have something important to say, but instead of say it, you need to write in the action and show it.

As a director, I would feel like I have to write a whole back story just to have a plot.

As I said before your dialogue is verbose and preachy. Phil could be an interesting character, but his life story? Is that necessary?

At the end nothing happens. Joe appears to be back where he started, Phil too. My question to is, why did you write this short story?

  

Is this the same Simon who has a script pulled today?  If so, you're posting a lot of scripts without participating on the boards.


Phil

Funny Phil mentioned this because I was just reading cafe Awsome and was wondering whether it was the same Simon.

Shawn.....><

I am pretty guilty of not commenting on other people scripts as much as I should, but I do read a lot.

I've been pretty busy with a transmeida project i've been hired to write, so the point of this was just to write a screenplay as I hadn't done one in a while. It might come off as preachy but that wasn't the plan it was just me getting so feeling and ideas off my chest.

I wrote an essay for a friend about EMA, so that's why I wrote this.

but thanks for giving it a read all the same.

Simon,
I was interested in the set up scene in the van. The next scene in the cafe didn't advance the story and didn't answer Joe's question. It read like a commercial for EMA. The story lacks conflict and ends where we started.

Don't tell us we are sitting in Joe's work van. Show us.

Wow, wow, wow, now THAT is definitely a PBS film.

I don't get the message you were trying to send. Where you just trying to tell both sides of the story?

The dialogue was too unrealistic in my opinion. You had several glaring grammatical errors, and the dialogue just dragged on and on. just ended the story with nothing resolved. It was just a message.

Keep writing this kind of material though. When well done, I LOVE them. Keep working on your craft.

The dialogue for me was just not real and dragged on so much. At first...two men in a  van discussing teens today, and the fact that he was going to confront one to find out himself was a bit interesting but after the conversation in the cafe started, it fell apart for me.

The ending didn't do anything for me. But keep trying.