No Sweat by Peter Breeze - Short, Thriller - A recently divorced playboy treats himself to a new car and takes it for a spin. Unfortunately, the spin turns into a spiral and has no place to go but down. Six-Feet-Down. (16 pages) - pdf, format 8)

Peter,

Spotted this and seen you review, so gave it a look.

I am sure that the format bod's will give you a few pointers here. Even a novice like me spotted a few, but it's not my beef. One that comes to mind is a scene that starts external but then goes into the hall etc without mention of INT. Now I maybe wrong, but it seemed that a new scene was required. If others review I will learn from their comments.

Back to the important matter, story. I liked this alot. Namely, a dead man, no he's not, yes he is but he goes with further knowledge. I think this has potential.

My overriding thought is that this needs work. Maybe needs to be shorter for this type of story, less on the strangers more on the issues with the man his life. What he could lose, why he wants to stay.

Sorry to be random but as an example in the start we have; a man, a fast car, he's recklace, he crashes. Why mentioned a cow leaning over a fence??

All the best. If revised I would like to re read. RD.

RD

Thanx for the read. I'm new at this as you can probably tell. You are correct about the scene location change. I read this at least fifty times before I posted it making minor changes here and there and still missed an obvious mistake.

The "cow" thing was my attempt at describing a country road as opposed to a mojor highway. As for the length, I had ten pages in mind when I started but it kept on going. Guess I got carried away with minutia.

Peter

No problem. I hope to post a short soon so would appreciate your thoughts when that occurs. How long did it take to have something posted?

Having slept on it over night I think you have an interesting idea but one that needs 1) tightening 2) more development of the lead character into something that changes during the story and that we eventually route for.

Cheers RD

Hey RD

It takes about a week after it's uploaded to get a script posted.

As far as my story, I attempted to portray the charactet as a playboy type, pretty much doing what he wanted all his life and now he's screaming for someone to recognize his situation. Finally after being discovered alive,  his thoughts quickly turn to lawsuits and getting back at his wife. The irony being the heart attack and death.

I don't know if those thoughts made it to paper but that's what I had in mind.

I'm new at this and it's alot harder than it looks.

BTW, RD do you have a title of your script.? LMK I'll keep an eye out for it.

Peter

Peter

Best of luck with any revisions. I can understand what you mean but i suppose the challenge to this would be, if you are on your death bed, would you act the same? Funny enough you may spot something of that in my script.

My script is called, "Welcome to the NDS".

I am completing my second feature at present but before seeing this site I hadn't thought of writing a short. Rather enjoyed it. I have kept it lean which may not appeal to all but hey that's what this site is for. Give things a try, have some fun and improve.

All the best. RD