Teenage Spaceship by Rodney Perkins - Drama - Lost amidst drugs and violence, a teenager tries to escape his bleak fate, and break free from the future shackles of small town life. 125 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Rodney. This is all I read:

MULTIPLE LONG SHOTS OF THE DECAYING MAIN STREET, CRUMBLING
FACTORIES, JUNK YARDS, POOR PEOPLE, CRAZY PEOPLE WALKING
AROUND, DRUNKS COMING OUT OF BARS, ELDERLY PEOPLE, ETC...
          JOHN (V.O.)
This is the town I grew up in. It's
just an ordinary farming community
in a boring Midwestern state. I got
along with my parents at first.
Then my mom moved away and my dad
became depressed. He kicked me out
of the house yesterday, a month
before my high school graduation. I
was free and able to do whatever I
wanted. And on top of everything
else I was experimenting with
drugs. And all kinds of drugs at
that. An area I had only dabbled in
before I got my total freedom. And
now I really began to indulge.

...and I really don't think this is a way to start a script - first impressions REALLY do count, and this lack impact, it's lazy, and it's poorly worded.

There are lots of ways to do this and many people would critisize my way of doing, but try something like...

A DECAYING MAIN STREET

     JOHN (V.O.)
This is the town I grew up in.

A CRUMBLING FACTORY

     JOHN (V.O.)
just an ordinary farming community,
Midwestern

A JUNK YARD

     JOHN (V.O.)
I got along with my parents at first.
Then my mom moved away.

PEOPLE, clearly impoverished.

     JOHN (V.O.)
my dad got depressed. He kicked
me out yesterday

DRUNKS fall out of CHEAP JOINTS

     JOHN (V.O.)
a month before my high school graduation.

(V.O.) can be frowned upon as they are seen as lazy, but used properly they can be effective. Huge chunks of dialogue are often best avoided, or at least you have to be careful with them, what are we seeing while all this dialogue is going on. Problem with your dialogue is that it starts at the end of the description, and this can be visually confusing - do I hold on the elderly people?

Good luck with it.

Hi,
I completely agree with the previous poster. The beginning should be split up more. I only read the first 10 pages and I genuinely think this has potential, however you could make a couple of small changes. When you start a new scene like
INT. ABBOTS SHED - DAY
you dont then need to say
"Abbot & John are sitting in Abbots shed, bored"
It may seem like something small but I noticed you did it a few pages later as well and it may be something that youre use to doing. Most of the time youre probably going to use visuals or dialogue to describe how theyre feeling anyway so lines like this should be omitted.
Will come back to read more soon, Good Luck.

So, is type of script appeals to me.  And I read the first couple pages, and didn't go on.  

I agree.  You could have layed out your first page way better, using voice-over to your benefit with all the shots of the decaying town.  Abbot, so far, I like more than John, and for some reason I feel like I should be connected to John more.

This sounds like a great idea, I will be reading more.  But for now, I would focus on trying to make John much more of a "teenager" and attempting to make him more likeable to the reader.

Will read more soon. :)

Just a heads up, curt, Rodney posted this September 2011 and never once chimed in, so anything you say now is falling o deaf ears. Try and read current threads or from writers you know will respond.

Know what I'm saying?