Still Falls The Rain by Miguel Santana (silentalibi) - Short, Drama, Action, War - Still Falls the Rain is a tale of survival and guilt in wartime London, as a homeless teenager gets caught stealing food from a bombed house. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey guys, my first one on here : )

I am directing and this short myself at the end of next month, it's being shot on the Red Epic.

I would, however, ask if it's possible for a moderator to replace it with this file:

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/6272842/SFTR%20-%20Script%20Draft%2011.pdf

The version in the original post is from an earlier draft, and was uploaded from the wrong file. For some odd reason, the character names are in capitals all the way throughout. That, and of course, it's a much earlier script, the beginning, ending and dialogue are totally different in my link.

So please, if you're reading, read the above link first!!

Also, a note on 'unfilmables', I'm a successful VFX artist, just finished some work on the Clash of the Titans sequel at MPC this summer. So any bomb-damage you see will be digital!

Would love to hear feedback from you guys!

Oops, just realised I posted it twice. Long day : )

Both links are the same.

Done : )

Hey silent, gave this a read, hopefully the right one on the link.

I hope you will review and comment back for others.

Humm. Not sure about this one. It flowed quite well, I could see what was happening and then it ended and to be honest I wasn't sure what happened. Or when for that matter. I kind of guess it was a case of coming face to face with your actions??  If so, surely we would route for the hungry young man picked on and left by the world?

I don't know, but not sure it worked for me. I probably missed something.

All the best with you filming and if it gets upload do send us a link, if it's available.

Cheers. RD

I thought it was an interesting read.  The characters were developed enough for the story told.

A few comments/critiques about the formatting:

You include the year in your flashbacks headers; you should do the same when you flash forward.

You do not need to refer to the time of day with each header (for that matter, you shouldn't use 'morning' either; it's either 'day' or 'night.'  When you cut from one shot to another, and it's one continuous run of time, your header would be something like:

EXT.  STREET - CONTINUOUS

This tells us that no time has passed.

When describing things, describe them as they would appear on the screen.  Tell us what we see and hear, not what the characters think.

Quoted Text Stanley brushes his fingers along the top of a chair. Closing his eyes, he imagines the sound of his mother in the kitchen, washing plates, calling him to the table.

On the screen, all we would see is Stanley closing his eyes.  If you want us to see his mother in the kitchen, write that he sees his mother washing dishes.  Maybe a translucent version of her so we know it's in his mind.  Something like that.

Read some scripts.  It's educational and it'll help get you read.

Hope this helps.


Phil

hey Miguel,

so first and foremost, i enjoyed this one. properly formatted and well developed. i thought the dialogue was spot on and your writing overall was exceptional.

my biggest concern (as Phil and yourself had mentioned), are the "unfilmables." most notably, the one of the first page. the line "it's his home" doesnt do much for the reader or the viewer. i'd suggest including some sort of expression on stanley's face (or reaction in general) that would imply that he's watching his own home burn to the ground.

furthermore, i feel your short ends on a whimper. which isnt a bad thing. i dont think you should end this gun's blazing, but i would make the ending a bit more poignant. its not a bad ending by any means, and its certainly appropriate. i just think it could add a lot more to the short overall.

definitely worth the read. i look forward to reading more.

ps i would also employ the use of "continuous" in your headers. without them, the script is a bit jarring (especially when you do the flash forward at the end). but im just being nit picky now and Phil already went into detail about this matter. i just wanted to echo his reaction since i felt the same way.

Hey Miguel. Read both of your scripts. I wanted to see  how it evolved from the first draft to the second draft.

Umm okay...

Albinopenguin said:
"my biggest concern (as Phil and yourself had mentioned), are the "unfilmables." most notably, the one of the first page. the line "it's his home" doesnt do much for the reader or the viewer. i'd suggest including some sort of expression on stanley's face (or reaction in general) that would imply that he's watching his own home burn to the ground."


For this reason Miguel, I would cut this intro from your script completely. Unless you show us a contrast from what he had before the bombs fell to what he became after it.

The story begins when we find stanley foraging for food inside an abandoned house.


I also noticed the first draft is virtually identical to the second draft. The plot is essentially the same, as well as the flow of the story. IMO this is not a rewrite. When I rewrite a script I usually start all over from scratch. When you hit a draft that looks really good, then polish it.

It sounds you want to direct it as it is, hence I suppose there isn't any reason to rewrite it.

"EXT. LONDON ALLEY - DAY
An OLD MAN, unshaven and unkempt, walks down an empty alley.
He carries a bag of groceries.
He slows his pace down to a halt, begins to breathe heavily.
Disoriented, he leans against the wall. He suddenly clutches
his chest in pain."

I don't like this character. I understand why you wrote him into your script, but I think his purpose is too abstract.

"EXT. EAST LONDON STREET (1940) - MORNING
At the crack of dawn, the street is empty besides Stanley,
who sits against a wall, rummaging through his SACK. He looks
disheveled, dirty, ragged.
He pulls a CAN of tinned tomatoes from the sack. He holds it
upside down... A few drops of tomato juice fall on his hand,
which he quickly licks. Still famished, he drops the can."

I enjoyed reading this scene. I got the sense Stanley was a homeless boy here. IMO this was all you needed to say.

" INT. BOMBED HOUSE, KITCHEN - MORNING
Stanley enters the kitchen. Despite the dust, broken plates
and glass shards, it almost looks like a working, living
kitchen. He smiles."


What do you mean by a "working, living kitchen"? Hmm could you rephrase this description without personifying the kitchen?

What about "Stanley enters the kitchen. He sees dust, broken plates and glass shards. It almost looks like a functioning kitchen."

"EXT. LONDON ALLEY - DAY
The Old Man lies flat on his side, salivating from the corner
of his mouth.
Next to him on the floor lies Officer Bradford, motionless,
expressionless, bleeding from his head injury. He stares the
Old Man in the eye, who, unable to move, has no choice but to
stare back as he struggles to breathe.
CUT TO BLACK
THE END"


The old man again. So you are making a play on irony. The only problem with that is, I think we need to see a connection to the story.

I liked the ending better from your first draft. The second draft ending makes feels some how incomplete.

In conclusion: Good formatting, great scene description (minus the kitchen scene), good dialogue and interesting premise. I am a sucker for period movies, so I really dig your world war two backdrop.

The story needs more work, Stanley needs more character development, and the ending needs to be rewritten.

Two questions... Why did you write this story, and would you pay money to see this movie?

With that said, good stuff Miguel, I look forward to reading more of your scripts.

Eric

The way the script was going I was thinking a bomb was going to kill them both, but instead we have the cop and an old man staring at each other...  hmmm.  

What is the point of the old man?  Did I miss something?

The way I read it was that the Old Man was Stanley all grown up and now faced on his own death bed with the face of the man he killed - maybe his concience, memory or a ghost.
Quite dark and the police man was instantly unlikeable which is a good thing. Inquiring Mind made some useful comments and I would echo those paramount of these is further developing Stanley.
Good work.
Daz

This is quite a good script, although I have a few complaints!

As I'm reading this, I get the sense of desperation from Stanley, you've made this clear. Stanley is clearly in a position where he's lost everything and is need of the simple essentials. The "Old Man" has been written to compare young and old, possibly? Or to show us that however desperate you may be, you should stick by your morals. The "Old Man" character is in the same position as Stanley, but has chosen to starve to death, instead of lowering himself to theft.

On the other hand, I feel that certain aspects of this script have been rushed. I feel that if Stanley's house has just been blown up ("a house is on fire" - I assume this is Stanley's) he wouldn't resort to theft, and I highly doubt he'd just have "tears in his eyes". Also, unless done on purpose (if that's his character), the character of Bradford is a bit over-the-top. The Blitz era was one of desperation and unfortunate (under-statement) times. If a young boy is caught stealing, I doubt the officer would be so heavy-handed with him. I was upset to see that the innocence of Stanley ruined when he hits Bradford with the rock - I think this is rushed and unnecessary. He could of easily just pushed him away and ran, possibly.

One complaint about the grammar, is the use of "OI!!" - as I've read on here before - just use capital letters, to emphasise shouting, or simply use an explanation work - it all works the same.

This was quite well done. The only major problem I had was that I
couldn't establish a connection between Stanley, the police officer
and The Old Man.

Sandra

Wow, thank you so much for all the comments, I'm just currently finishing a commercial, but this weekend I'll reply to each one of you!

On a quick note, the old man is Stanley. Darren James is completely right. When faced with death, he's haunted by his past. It's a tragedy I guess, he gets what he wants (to survive) at the cost of a lifetime of guilt.

But if I have to explain, I guess it doesn't work : )

Thanks guys, watch this space!

Hey all,

It's been quite a long time, I apologise! But I've been incredibly busy (thankfully), and can now be proud to announce that the film has been produced! It's now completed, just as I had pictured it in my head with very little compromise. I'm very proud of it, and will be able to share it with everyone soon enough!

It's currently in the submission process to about 40 film festivals worldwide, so I can't put the whole film online for the time being, but a trailer should be public in the next few days.

For the record, this is pretty much the script we ended up shooting: http://db.tt/bDdM9K7z

And for now, here's the poster!

Hey SA,

Thought this looked familiar.

Nice poster! I would be very interested to see this, I hope you can provide a link one day. I only joined SS in August last year so this was one of my first reads.

If you have any things to share from your experience please do reveal. Reading and reviewing other scripts is a win win for all of us.

All the best.

Miguel

This has some potential which a rewrite would help realise.

Technically, your writing is solid, format is mostly smooth and easy to follow.

Although I did have issue with one or two parts:

“he imagines the sound of his mother in the kitchen,
washing plates, calling him to the table.”

-- You need to indicate how this will be conveyed on screen instead of just writing it down like that.

In terms of story, you have an interesting setting and chain of events but it’s not tied up in any meaningful way due to the confusing and murky ending which on first read doesn’t make much sense.

Assessing it literally as you have written it, the Old Man comes across as just some stranger who happens to die in the same part of the alleyway where Stanley kills Bradford. If so, then how come he is not mentioned when Stanley trips over the rubbish? There is no reference to the Old Man until he’s staring into the dead eyes of Bradford. That oversight aside, If that is the measure of the story it’s a weak one, too coincidentally and inconsequential to warrant any dramatic punch you wish to deliver. Just two disparate people dying side by side, so what.

However, of course, my obvious assumption is that the old man is Stanley years later and in the throes of his untimely death in the alleyway he sees the apparition of the cop he killed all those years ago. Is this a correct assumption? If so, the problem lies in the very fact that I have to assume it as it’s not made clear on the page. Given that the Old Man scenes are set in the present day while the WWII London scenes are flashbacks, you should highlight Flashback and Present Day in the scene headings. Otherwise it’s needlessly confusing for the reader.

I’m not saying you always need spell things out and spoon feed, I always welcome ambiguity and interpretation but in this case you can at least tell us if the scenes take place at different eras in time. Since the viewer will detect this time shift on screen the reader should be informed also.

So taking that this is the story you’re trying to tell, its ok, not bad, nothing original but you tell it well and make an otherwise average concept into a neat 5 pager.

Col.

Thank you so much for the feedback!

Here's the trailer :)

Still Falls the Rain - Short Film Trailer from Miguel Santana on Vimeo.

Wow, Miguel, gotta say that trailer looks fantastic.

Hey Miguel!

This one fell through the cracks for me...
So, I just watched your compelling trailer.

So, now I want to read the script! ;D
Gonna go that link for draft 26...

I like how the script reads.
It's a pretty visual affair, and that's a very good thing.

I'm reminded of two films I like very much...
Hope & Glory, with all the kids running amok in wartime London.
Avalon, has a great scene at the end about memories and time.
Your strong closer has a similar feel to it. But it's all good.

Looking forward to seeing the short. I'll support this on Facebook too!
Thanks for sharing! ;D

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from silentalibi Thank you so much for the feedback! Here's the trailer :) Still Falls the Rain - Short Film Trailer from Miguel Santana on Vimeo.

Very impressive.

It's here!! Please watch and share the finished short film:



Graduation short film written, directed and VFX by Miguel Santana. Currently working with NoFilmSchool on a series of guest blog posts about the making of this film.

OFFICIAL SELECTION: Shnit Int'l Film Fest, Ruby Mountain Film Festival, Phenom Film Fest, American Int'l Film Festival, Let's Keep it Short London, UH Animation.

WINNER: American Int'l Film Festival: Student categories 'Best Film', 'Best Director', 'Best Cinematography', 'Best Score'. UH Animation Expose: 'Grand Prix', 'Audience Choice', Other screenings include Shnit International Film Festival, and Norwich Film Festival (nominated for Best Student Film).


More info: http://www.stillfallstherain.com

This was very nicely done, Miguel.  You should be very proud.


Phil

Great job Miguel :)

Mark

Stellar production of a dynamic yet intimate idea.
This one's worth hanging your hat on.

Well done.

Regards,
E.D.

First time on this thread.

The quality is great. The film did great. And the fact you got it done is great lol.  

Big Congrats.

Gabe

Wow. This is exceptional! Congrats.

Hey Miguel,

Just checked out the film. Really fine work, congrats.

Good stuff! :)