One Cold Dark Day by Anonymous - Short - A young Therapist meets a new client who is reluctant to talk, yet holds information on recent killings. For David Mee, it's going to be One Cold Dark Day. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

I have to apologize right up front, cause, as much as I try and be cool and nice, I can't be here.  There are so many of my pet peeves on display here, it's scary.

These are my personal opinions, so understand that up front.

The writing on display here is really tough for me to even get through.  You chose, like may do for some completely unknown reason, to omit simple words in your sentences, like "the", and "a", which make the read annoying. These omissions don't save any space...they only irritate some readers who are expecting a smooth read.  You also write in a very odd, annoying staccato style, which I can't stand.

The prose is littered with completely unnecessary, cheesy asides, that do nothing other than take the reader out of the read and also annoy.

The script is also littered with direction, based on how you wrote your action and what you chose to show...and didn't show.  A Spec script is no place for such blatant attempts at this, and again, for me, at least, it annoys and takes me out of the read.

Slugs, IMO, are terrible.  If you don't know what I mean or are confused over this, I'll go into detail later, but let's just say for example "PAVEMENT", "FRONT DOOR", having the same exact Slug numerous times in a row with a different time (LATER), and using "LUNCH" as a time element ain't gonna cut it, in my book.

It's a fine line when you're trying to conceal character's identity in a written script.  I understand that.  But you need to understand as well, that when you blatantly do that, it's first of all obvious what you're doing, and secondly and probably more importantly;y, it's a cheat and it comes across as irritating.  There are numerous examples of this throughout.

Story-wise, it doesn't do much for me...maybe because of the writing on display and the execution, but I really don't get much out of this.  I don't buy any of the characters, any of the dialogue, or any of the situations.   Your main Protag, Dave, is some sort of landlord/psychiatrist, who books appointments from people he doesn't even know their name...WTF?  Is he being paid for this, or is he just doing it for the Hell of it, to "help" his fellow mankind?

Sorry, cause I know this comes across as harsh, but the writing is just so damn irritating to me, I can't help myself.  If this wasn't an OWC, I definitely would have stopped before I got to Page 2.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.

Right up front, this was a tough read.  

You could probably clear this up by getting rid of non-essential action.   You have a lot of it.


The kitchen lies at the rear of the property, away from the
road and next to a small garden. Simple and bright; except
for the overflowing bin

can become

Simple and bright.

I don't think we need to know anything else about it.  Architectural details do not need to be mentioned.  It depends on the location and unless it's essential to the story, it doesn't need to be in the script.   The same is true with the bin - do you ever mention it again?

Asides are another thing you shouldn't overuse, so cut those down to info you want us to remember - use them to accent important details.

The other major issue I had with this was lack of character names.  

DEEP MALE VOICE
SOFT MALE VOICE
CLIENT

These should be names.  Nothing makes a reader feel less involved with a story than to not know the names of characters.  There are times when you can use this but how you used it here is not one of those times.

Also, why try to have more characters than the challenge asked for?  It cluttered your script and made it seem like you were just trying to cheat on the brief.

All that said the story was ok.  Clear some trees from that forest and it might even be enjoyable.

Congrats on finishing a script for the OWC.  

Um... maybe I read the OWC wrong?

Isn't this ALL supposed to take place in ONE LOCATION?

Sorry, but I stopped reading this one, too because of that.

Cindy

Cindy,

One location - many rooms in or closely around a single location - not necessarily one room.

Okay. I'll check this one out after work today then.

Cindy

Okay read this.

Not bad but its a bit heavy on the eyes.

Story wise again pretty good. Its an Interesting story somewhere in all those words.

Good job and well done on getting this done.

This is my first read from this OWC and I thought this was well done.

You did a really good job tying in the radio with the title. The way you constructed the first image with the pairs of legs I thought was really good. You know, I never tired in reading this. I wasn't compelled to rush or skim through this at all.

I felt that you were nicely taking us on a sort of journey when you described the kitchen and where it was set. You showed what was Dave's kind of typical patterns in his day, but this day, this day was not only cold and dark by weather standards of course, but...

Really, I don't have a lot negative to say about this except, if you could do the same kind of thing, but not make it horror, then I would really appreciate it.

One thing I'll mention is the fact that Dave didn't alert Krystal right away to "Get the hell out of here!" and risk his own life, I think tells a lot about his character. But anyways...

I thought this was well done. It is what it's meant to be. Not something deep and mysterious, but the "background" story of a twisted mental case who goes on killing sprees.

For the purpose of this story, you might shorten some lines like this one:

CLIENT
Talking never did me any good.
Always some clever Fuck wants to
get one over on you. You'll learn
that one day.

We can get this guy's "position" in the story
by the circumstances so probably:

Talking never did me any good.

Will do the trick.

Sandra

This was confusing to me.

I understood the therapist was the center of the story.

The best thing I can recommend is clarity. Spend more time with your characters so we understand what is going on.

This is a heavy read and I couldn't get into it.  I wasn't sure exactly how everything connected between the girl, the guy, this weird patient comes in and then takes them hostage, it's cold out, there's a blackout, patient comes over for his appointment (and it's in the dark, too.  Read kind of odd), people die...why?  What does this all mean?  That was the main problem I had with this.  That and there's way too much detailed description in here.  There's some stuff you can simply get rid of, such as "Better get ready" when we learn of the impending appointment because the next sequence is of him getting ready.  Also asking questions in the description, "Does she go in?"  Don't need it.  I think in some special rare cases it may work but you really don't need it here.  And really the descriptions just seemed overwritten.  I think there's a lot of simplifying that can be done.

It's a nice effort, though.

Greg

This took way too long to get going. The idea is to grab and hold someone's attention. Hard to do, not saying I'm good at it, just saying that's what you need to do.

This is well written and seems to adhere to the OWC rules.
I felt the story was overly convoluted.
Double killers. Double taped victims. Hard to follow as written.
Buckets of exposition through the radio.
Daphne didn’t add up to anything, the ending was unclear to me.
It fits the rules, but I got lost on the page.

Regards,
E.D.

This was hard for me to get through, too. Sorry. But I did finish reading it.
It's almost as if you have a feature crammed into these few pages.

I think the deep male voice and the male voice should have had names, too. Maybe you did this because you didn't want the reader to know who they were, but we don't know who they are anyway and I think it would be a good thing to watch their personalities change on screen through the script, to become those people on the first page.

The story is pretty neat. Just needs some tweaking.

Congrats on finishing the OWC

Cindy

At it's core it's basic and okay, but the way you told this tale isn't very reader friendly nor does it make sense in some cases.

I was hopeful at the start with the two male pair of legs. It started out okay. After that it got too  jumbled. There were two girls, but I never saw the reason for the first one to even be in this script. I think you can cut her out. The second one didn't have much to do either. I agree with Sandra that Dave showed what a coward ass he is by rather saving his own skin instead of alerting the girl.

Then there were things like Dave having an appointment at 6pm and at 5:15pm he decides to soak in the tub??????? I can hardly even picture a woman doing that, but a guy?

Anyway, think of the core of this story and try to come up with a better way of telling it. It works, just not the way it's written right now.

Didnt enjoy this very much I'm afraid. There was some fast and loose translation of the rules but they have been debated elsewhere.
The radio was unnecessary and added to any problems the script already had.
I agree with my fellow posters above so won't go over old ground.
Positive: I personally liked the Client's dialogue it was quite chilling.

I think this has all the makings of a fine story.  For me, the deep-voice male character is a little too mysterious / pseudo glamorous.  I think you squashed a big story into too few pages and after the OWC you might think about expanding it a bit.

Very, very clunky read with all the details and 'trying-to-be-clever' descriptions.  Those descriptions confused me for a long time.

In fact, in the opening scene, and for about the next eight pages, I thought the two men were gay, because you say the legs are doing their dance.  I took that literally, so I really thought they were dancing with each other.

Cutting out all the miniscule and unnecessary descriptions, ('Does she go in?') can really quicken the dull pace of the story, and make room for a full ending, or at least explain exactly what happened.  It's a little vague as it is now.  I think you might have ran out of room and ended the story a lot quicker than you wanted.  Cut out that clunkiness, and you might have had another two pages to work with.

And what is it with a ruck sack?  Lol.  I've never heard of a ruck sack before, and I've seen it in two stories right in a row now.  That's quite a coincidence.  Was part of the challenge 4 characters, 1 location, and a ruck sack?

- Mark

As I go:

Page 1:  Just give 'em names, yo.

Page 2:  Have started skimming description.  So much text...

Page 5:  I like the dialogue in this script.

Thoughts:

Plot's fine, what's the point?  I don't see it.  What do we learn from this?  What do the characters learn from this?  Why would the audience want to watch this?

Your characters are quite strong.  They just need something to do.  It's difficult to tell what your reason for writing this was.

Thanks for the fun read!

What an interesting opening shot: showing me the top of a table, no people around it. Next shot we are under the table and see two pairs of legs, I'm assuming they belong to the two men? I have no idea if they are wearing slacks or shorts. I don't know if they have shoes or socks but what I do know is that both men cross thier legs

  ??)

Then you got me thinking about how could I see both pairs of legs. The two guys must be right next to each other. Otherwise it's a wide shot of under the table. But again, I ask: why see the rest of the room if I can't see the two guys?

Quoted Text The kitchen lies at the rear of the property, away from the road and next to a small garden. Simple and bright; except for the overflowing bin.

What?
If there's a garden or road to be seen out of a window, you should show, not tell me that. Right now it feels overwritten. Speaking of which:

Quoted Text INT. FRONT ROOM - AFTERNOON Dave glances at the appointment sheet, next client three o'clock. A check of the watch, Two fifty nine. The doorbell goes. He grins. Likes them on time. INT. FRONT ROOM - AFTERNOON He closes the door, client has gone. It's getting dark, time to switch the lights on.

Okay, aside from straying from the OWC guides, I'm going to lay down a gauntlet.
Think of the above scene visually as you wrote it. Then ask why did you write it to begin with when it isn't needed and also conflicting with the time of day?

* What would be the point of checking the appointment sheet? Checking his watch? This implies his client is running late and didn't call, not that his client gets there on the hour.

* It's 3:00 pm when the session which we never see, starts. Slug reads "Afternoon" when the client leaves. But..."it's getting dark".

In the next scene - kitchen- a time is given. "Just before five".
Think it over. Is it about to storm? How is the sky getting dark before five?

But it is a moot point. Better off just getting rid of the two scenes, for they add nothing and show nothing. It actually makes no sense for it to be there.

All and all, it takes some time to get going. I don't think it was terrible, but it seemed to be all over the place. When the reveal is that the first scene is actually the last, I'm very curious as to the reason the legs scene was needed in the first place---aside from being an interesting choice to open with.

50/50 on this. Didn't like it, but didn't outright hate it.

Hi:) Good job on setting the mood early. It worked well.

I agree that the script feels overwritten at times, and the dialogue was a bit stiff for my liking. Still, a solid effort. Good job:)

I thought this read well but like a few others have said there are plenty of examples of overwriting. It could be done better for sure.

I liked the characters and most of their dialogue, I found it quite intriguing. I also assume you are a fellow Brit just by the use of the word 'wankers'.

The final scene was a little too clunky for me, I didn't get a good grip of how it actually went down. The part in particular that got me was when Dave got the hammer and started swinging. Was he swinging at the figure (James?), the candle, the table, the client? I just don't know. Also why didn't the client just kill James when he saw him before?

As for the very end I assume it was Krystal and Dave who survived because they are the innocents of the piece.

Not too bad, but not great.

Arty.

Yeah, I got a vibe it was a Brit - a Brit writing Americans. There was something inexplicably inorganic and that's the best I can come up with. It was the overriding feeling when reading and I think that would account for some of the disjointedness.

The story itself wasn't bad, it just didn't grab me by the bollocks at any point. As ever, the writer's views will shed some light on the decisions made and tackle some of the comments.

First of all THANKS everyone for reading and reviewing.

It may not surprise most of you to find out this was my first ever short. The reality is that for most readers  it missed the target.

The feedback has given me lots of good things to consider. What is slightly annoying is that a  few of them I knew before submitting but didn't change. Hell, all good lessons.

As a first effort I wanted to tell a story, rather than a scene, if that makes sense. Now having  experienced the OWC, a simpler approach is wise, but I look forward to letting the mind wonder!

I still like the story and for those I "lost on the page", it is this. A well meaning but awkward man finds himself caught in a clash of two evil ( there is probably a better word)  men only because he rents a flat out to one, the rapist, who is tracked down by the vigilante killer. It about circumstance and fate, and not being safe in your own home.

It was  a day in the life of story and I am very grateful to Sandra for picking this up. It made my day to hear someone recount what I aimed to achieve.

The use of the radio was to part help the story (one location, four actors) but also provide an insight that the audience achieves at the end, namely we now know the rapes and killings were not connected before, but now they are.

I tried to push the visuals as the one location could become dull. Hence the cold (ice/breath), light/dark (candles), the use of each room and putting Dave into different rooms in varying circumstances. I wanted a sense of loneliness and vulnerability. Not sure it came across.

Once again thanks everyone, I really enjoyed reading, reviewing and sharing. I now have a much better idea about the OWC and look forward to the next.

Cheers. RD

Very incoherent. My thoughts are that your writing tries to reflect quick camera shots and in the process you lose sight of any story, which there isn't much of. I don't know who the rapist is, could be Dave for all I know. The logline read that Dave takes on a client when the story doesn't have much to do with the client and the client doesn't confide anything in Dave, the client directs Dave. Confusing lot. I was thinking there would be a mystery here.