You Have Reached Your Destination by Teth - Short - Vic's just trying to get to his buddy's BBQ, but his new GPS unit has other plans. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Comedy is very subjective. I chuckled a couple of times but I found their shouting to be quite annoying. Vic is also annoying from the getco. I think it would have been better if the story started off Vic being normal and then Vic getting angry at the GPS for leading him in the wrong direction.

Also, in the very first scene, you mention INT. HOUSE...where in the house? Prob make Vic's dialogue VO and then we go into the garage.

Hope this helps.  

Gabe

Okay. Here we have our one location being a "car". One scene takes place in a house. If the car didn't move out of the driveway, I would have let it slide. But obviously, it's a road trip. It's an iffy requirement of a OWC. I'll tell you this much. If it took place at NIGHT I would have let you have it. (Because a filmmaker can pull off a Poor Man's Process) but since it is during the DAY...

I'm sorry. Despite of where they wind up, I think it flunks the OWC.
That all out of the way, it wasn't a bad attempt, although the excessive F bombs made me think this one was rushed in at the last minute, having been cooked up an hour or so before.

Sorry, didn't quite like this one.

I kind of thought this one was ok.  At first I balked at the car as a single location but it could easily be done with greenscreen if you were desperate enough to be that low budget and if you weren't then a bit of guerrilla filmmaking would work here.

I didn't really get the end so you might work on making it clearer.  

The penultimate line for me was

I can't fucking concentrate on which bitch is talking at which time.  

That got an "oooo nasty" from me.

I think you could have gotten more creative with some of the language and avoided the heavy use of fuck.  I could understand him getting that angry and using that level of language but I think it got a bit tired.  Try coming up with some better ways to express that anger.  

Really good for a weeks work.  I got a couple of chuckles from it.

I was intrigued by the concept. A GPS that takes you somewhere different than where you intended. A lot could be done with that. Unless I missed something, that didn't happen here. So you have a great premise. Maybe come up with a better ending.

Yeah, location controversy aside, this one definitely threw the owc rules out the window, along with the GPS.  Not sure why, because you could have easily started this story inside the car and used that as your one location.  But, I digress...

The shouting back and forth got old quick.  Neither of these people were particularly interesting or pleasant to listen to.  And, I don't care how distracted Vic and Danielle are by the GPS, they're gonna notice if they're driving back to their own house.  The WTF moment when they discover themselves back in their own driveway, I just didn't buy.  Nor did I understand how the destination changed when the GPS unit "went British."

Sorry, but a misfire for me.

This premise had promise. As always, the initial page is hard to get into while getting the thread of the story. Vic and his cute, sporty friend driving her sporty car were angry and loud. While Vic’s rants were rude I did chuckle at a few.

Reboot this story in a different setting…

I liked Vic’s drone like acceptance of the GPS accuracy at the end,

Sorry, but I'm not getting past Page 2.  In no way is this remotely 1 location, and in no way do I want to read anymore than I already did.

Yes, I've read much worse...even recently, but this is obviously going nowhere, and there's just no reason to continue.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.

This could have been a good horror or thriller story.  As a comedy it's okay but the arguing and yelling got repetitive pretty fast, as it was swear here, yell, repeat.  And the fact that the GPS lead them back to their driveway I didn't buy at all.  It could be funny for a long running series of absurd jokes and situations such as The Simpsons or South Park, but for a few pages it doesn't work too well.  

I chuckled a couple times but this one was just okay in the end.

Greg

Middle of the road. Painted well but nothing at stake. I felt like there was going to be this big pay off and they just ended up back home.

The alarm and garage door opener have nothing to do with the short but to set up Vic being irritable but the GPS did that on its own, so you could cut the alarm set and the garage door stuff.

Nope, didn't work for me. If it were a film I'd switch it off, I'm afraid.

Pity, as the premise was interesting. This script just didn't develop it very well in my view.

Sorry.

I feel this one may not be totally in the spirit of the OWC rules.
A moving location typically requires the production to move.
Unless it’s poorman’s process in a studio, it’s borderline IMO.
Rape Palace is a good runner up line to “dangle your Derek”.
The escalating yelling didn’t work for me. It was all one note.
I like the premise of the GPS, but try doing more with it.

Regards,
E.D.

Ha! I have a script just like it sort of.  G.P.S where the gps is a female version of Hal 9000.

Anyway, this didn't qualify as one location to me, but I'm looking past that for now.  I think you could've done so much more with this. As it is right now, Vic is an ass Danielle is annoying. Both seem unpleasant and it's basically just 9 minutes of arguing and that gets old.

Decent work that has great potential.  :)

I also think you could do a lot more with this than what you've got here, but hey, you finished it within a week. After the challenge is over with you can always do a rewrite.

Maybe try some comedy instead of the bickering. I did chuckle a little bit.
What if she bought the GPS for him for his birthday and he sets it? Could have a funny outcome.

Congrats on finishing the OWC

Cindy

one location? i don't think so...

anyways i liked the idea, but not the execution. furthermore, i hated vic, right from the start. if you're doing comedy, then you should try to relate to your audience, not alienate them.

the one location thing immediately dismisses it from being considered for the OWC. but there might be some potential here so with a few rewrites, you could have a funny sketch on your hands.

I was expecting a dark ending due to the profanity and the GPS read to me like something sinister was going on. The pace was OK but the swearing did need reeling in or totally taking out.
The translation of "one location" has been fast and loose (and that's ok with me now) but this one really does break that rule however you translate it.
If the whole thing was just in the car that would be ok - I can see that the scene in the kitchen tried to set him up as a technophobe but that was then further established with the garage door opener thingy (could have used a cell phone or the car radio to further illustrate this if it was needed).
Having said that, I did quite like this and it raced through it to skip the repetitive swearing but also to get to the crunch which unfortunately left me feeling flat. But that was probably my fault for having a preconception that it was a darker script.
Great idea which needs a bit more "meat" to go with the vegetables.

This has so much potential, but its flavor was ruined by all of the swears. Really, I do think it's funny though and realistic. Those GPS's can do all kinds of crazy things and yes, some people love to use them as toys.

I like the title and it was entertaining.

Sandra

Like others I thought this has some potential but the shouting started to get to me.

The fact they arrive home but only realise it once stopped ( if I read that correctly) seemed unlikely.

Worth a rewrite to see what options  can be squeezed out.

All the best

No attempt at one location -- don't really feel like reading.  I've read the ones that could be argued as one setting but this doesn't even bother.

I like the pace of this, the build up of rage seems believable.  The mechanical devices are defiant in a way that seems right on the mark.  For a short script, I think this works.

meh, the writer should have thought about this a little more before submitting it.  

Good attempt, bit I'm not a huge fan. My biggest problem (aside from the location thing) is that the whole bit in the house doesn't add anything to the story (and as was mentioned, you could've cut it and gotten away with the car-as-location).

HTH:)

I got a couple of chuckles out of it and one really, really good laugh, but that's about all.

Out of the thirteen or so that I've read, I think this is the only one that's broken the rules of the OWC.  Even if you were thinking of a green screen, it still won't work as one location because you already have a house and garage doors opening and closing, then the car changing lanes on the highway later.  To show changing lanes, you'd need an EXT. shot, requiring another location to shoot it.

OWC aside, I like Gabe's (Mr. Ripley's) idea about having Vic start out mild-mannered, then not get angry until the GPS starts telling him wrong directions.  It would give him a little more of a character arc.

Was it funny?  Yeah.  Like I said, I chuckled and laughed, but I don't think it follows the OWC criteria.

- Mark

Didn't really do it for me either. I'll disregard the whole location thing, this obviously violated the requirement.

But all in all, it wasn't really all that funny. Something sinister going on with a GPS taking you to where it wants to go would've been an intriguing premise. But this is just two incompetent end users arguing.

The dialogue wasn't bad, though. And it wasn't badly written overall. It just seemed a bit of a waste.

The core idea here had some potential. It could be an amusing short but you'd need to rejig it and give us something at the end. They drive around and end up back at their place. There's no lesson or stakes for us to relate to. That's why it fell flat for me. The charactersation was pretty good, albeit rather generic. Preference aside for how they engaged, your characters felt like they knew one another and the exchanges felt real.

They were a couple of references to Britishness, so perhaps you have a fondness for all things British - as if you could not! Or maybe you're just British. At a couple of points it felt like you were creating a facetious character in the GPS and that would be angle I would look at in a rewrite - how to develop a comically Machiavellian GPS that leaves us questioning Vic's sanity.

I thought there was a good idea in here, and this got a few smiles out of me, but the joke wore thin fairly quickly and the back and forth got pretty repetitive.  I think this could be pretty good short with a some reworking.

Leon

For a comedy this didn't work for me, but different people like different things. The one line that did make me chuckle was when Danielle said 'surprise'. I could just picture that one.

The main problem for me was I didn't like either of the characters, you needed to connect me to them better. Vic in particular just shouts and swears, I hate people like that in real life and this applies here.

Sort the characters out and this could be okay. Not sure if it's within the rules though.

Arty.