Wicker by Tsade - Short - A soldier behind enemy lines is confronted by a civilian doctor. 8 pages - rtf, format 8)

Opened with Wordpad.

Another very creative effort. Strong effort. Again, I am very impressed with the creativity.

The only problem I had with the script is the details and what happens with the police. Is Wicker a cop? It says they have the same uniform. But nothing else suggests he is a fellow cop. So I guess either he has copied their uniform or that is also part of the hallucination.

So the guy fries a circuit and kills his neighbors, holes up in the basement. How did this first cop end up in the basement like that? Let's assume the whole password thing was in Wicker's mind. Why did the cop just walk into the trap by himself? I'm very confused by that.

But let's say he was a first responder and somehow got trapped. What we see is barely real, as we see it through Wicker's blown mind, which is misinterpreting reality. Ok. Sullivan arrives later, and knows what's going on. They've talked to his mother, they understand his breakdown, and they have to rescue the other cop. There would be hundreds of cops outside the door. Swat, the news media. The works. It seems to me once he's in the door, they will swarm. And certainly once Sullivan is shot they would. But nothing happens.

Until sometime later, another hapless cop comes in to get shot.

So I love the concept. And it's very well crafted. And it's very possible I am missing something in my analysis. I will watch for the explanation. If I misunderstood, or if these issues are addressed on rewrite, it could be an awesome short. Congrats.

The characters seem to out shine the story, so much so that the plot development, even the ending doesn't seem to really matter.  That is to say, I care about Wicker but it didn't matter to me what was real.
Also, the lined paper made the read difficult.  I hope that's not a trend.

This one adheres to the one room rule.
However, pyrotechnics and squibs are costly.
It poses a question it doesn’t answer by story’s end.
There’s no indication who’s right in this scenario.
The pages read fast, but the story didn’t grab me.

Regards,
E.D.

Yeah, exactly.  I like this for what it is, but I just know too well how far from reality this premise and action is.

They wold simply shoot in some tear gas, or whatever they're using these days and make him immobile, and take his happy ass out.

I appreciate the cold hearted brutality on display here...I really do, but I just can't take it for reals.

When you're in the same Slug over and over, just use a Mini Slug of "LATER".

And, yeah, get some script writing software, or it looks like a pisser, which I'm sure this ain't.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.

I agree with those who wrote before me, It's creative, strong character, too brutal, and a tear gas grenade pretty much solves your problem. BTW, those victims were brave or something else was motivating them. Motivation is key even for crazy people. I liked it.

From the way I understand this:

Wicker is having a hallucination. He's got that post war syndrome and he's
mentally wrecked.

I think you can lose the explosions etc. and just come at this from
more of a character base. His POV versus what's really happening
and most importantly, show his frustration at not "getting" what
they're talking about.

A good idea, but it needs work.

Sandra

Congrats on finishing the OWC

I think this was different and very creative. I liked it, but I would have liked to have and ending whether he is taken down or if he charges out on them.

Would like to see the rewrite.

Cindy

Writer:  you need to get either Final Draft or Movie Magic.  Or, if that's not possible, Celtx is a decent free screenwriting program.  

Fast, clean style.  Nothing too original, though.  I've seen this same scenario in a lot of TV shows.  Never really answers any of the questions it brings up.  We know he's hallucinating, but it doesn't make sense that people would keep walking into the basement to be shot like ducks in a barrel.  As someone mentioned, one tear gas or concussion grenade and problem solved.  And I don't see how Wicker could possible escape.

So, a good effort, just needs more detail and an ending.  And get that screenwriting software, you'll be very glad you did.

It's an interesting premise but it doesn't really provide any answers.  It takes the time to create this scenario and then by the end falls kind of flat.  I think reworking the ending is in order, because up until then it was an interesting read and a creative take on the theme.  Characterization of Wicker was good, some of the dialogue read a little stiff at times, but I liked this for the most part.

Nice job.

Greg

First, I have to say that I love the name Wicker for a character:) This was a good effort, although I wasn't a huge fan of the writing style. It felt like some important details were missing that would've helped me understand a little more about what's going on. I think the ending could use a bit more umph - maybe other cops come and shoot him?

Anyway, very good job:)

Like others have said about the gas, and I doubt the second officer would go down after hearing the gunshot. That's kind of dumb, in my opinion.  Granted there could be no windows which would then require SWAt to go in.

Gabe

Hmmmm.....I'm wondering if I even opened the same script as you guys. I had to do something, I don't think I've ever done before.  :-/

FADE IN: looks better on the left side than right. FADE OUT: belongs on the right side.

Scene headings and character names in dialogue headings should be in all caps.

DUCA, different ethnicity? Than what? You never told us what ethnicity Wicker was…

Wicker's dialogue heading at the end of page one and then his dialogue starts on the next page. Not right….

I hate doing this, but I'm going to quit here. I was going to be nice and helpful, but there are too many errors to point out. Hopefully some of the stuff I mentioned on the first page will help a little.  You need to learn proper screenplay formatting. Good news is that's the easiest to learn in screenwriting.

Good luck.

I have one question for you. Why on earth did you write this one with so many errors and in an rtf file too. I couldn't get through it the way it was. Lucy's closet was great so I don't know why you did this.

Thanks very much to those of you who read and my apologies about the .rtf file.  Long story.  Anyway --

To all:  

It's interesting that people's thinking was so similar in terms of one reality being correct and one not.  A failure on my part to flesh things out.  There is no factual evidence whatsoever provided to support the idea that the reality presented by the doctor is correct.  However, it also doesn't seem possible that the war scenario is an objectively true reality.  From my way of reading this, there are too many logical flaws in either case for either reality to be correct.

In the rewrite I may fix some logical issues and create other new ones in the hopes of making it more clear that this is intentional.

I think I am going to try out a different ending.  Thanks for the various suggestions on what that might be.

Kevin

I think the above may answer the majority of your questions; in short, that the logic flaws are intentional.  That said, you've raised a very well thought out list of the salient issues that I will use in redesigning the logical flow of each reality.

Catherine

I'm glad that you said that because I don't think it matters which one is real.  That said, I need to rewrite so that it matters that it doesn't matter, if that makes any sense.

Brett

Air pump 'n' a hose, yo!  Definitely my intention to not answer, but also my intention, and here clearly I've failed, that we shouldn't need to know the answer.

Jeff

I agree that the cold-heartedness doesn't sell.  I think I know why this is and will definitely address it in the rewrite.

Gary

Thanks!  Motivation, I agree.  A little unclear for a couple of 'em.  

Sandra

My reasoning behind the explosions is to firmly establish one reality -- war -- in people's minds at the beginning.  I see what you mean about Wicker getting frustrated and I may test that out; either that or go even further in the opposite direction with him being more pronouncedly coldly logical.

Cindy

As above, I think I will try out a different ending, probably one towards what you suggested.  

Ryan

As above, I don't think we could reasonably say that we "know" he's hallucinating.  Every single character seems to exist partially in both realities; for example, they all respond in kind to his asking for a call word.  Obviously something I need to expand upon so that it's clearer.

Greg

Again, definitely agreed on the ending.  Gotten lots to think about here on why the ending falls flat, and will definitely be trying to address those issues, as well as the ending itself.

Rebekah

Wicker -- thanks!  I liked that one too.  I've been writing for myself (ie for myself to shoot) a lot lately so I probably am guilty of providing a little less information than necessary.  Then again, I'm a big believer in giving the bare minimum.  I'll definitely keep an eye out for anything that needs to be expanded upon for clarity's sake in the rewrite.

Gabe

Agreed about the gunshot.  This is one of the intentional logic issues that clearly, and I can see why, plays as an unintentional logic issues.  Will definitely change this up in the rewrite.

Pia

Sorry!  :)  That issue happens with .rtfs when opened with certain programs.  The script format is all correct when I open it (and, I think, for others) but I know exactly the problem you're describing.  Thanks for starting though!  Regarding Duca's ethnicity, all that matters is that it's different -- this is to support the war reality as objective (ie, if they were both visibly Chinese, it might be more support for the idea that Wicker is hallucinating, and I didn't want it to be).  That was my thinking.

---

Thank you very much for the reads everyone.

Ah! Well thanks for clearing that up.  Just so people know why I quit reading, this is how it looks on my laptop.  ;D

Feel free to send me the pdf if you'd like me to give it a read.