The Canceled Stealling by Jacob Greenberg - Short, Drama - A young thief meets a girl and falls in love but she betrays him. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

To paraphrase another post I ran across recently...

If you are 8 years old, then congratulations on completing such a complex work.  If you're not, then I'm sorry, but you should take this one way back to the drawing board and try again.  

I could go into details as to why, but I would really suggest reading as many pro scripts as you can get your hands on.  Try to understand plot, structure, and most importantly, effective dialogue.  Great dialogue moves the story forward as it actually tells 2 stories at the same time -a handy tool known as sub-text.  While it is painful to master, with a bit of effort you can at least begin to mold some together.  

Additionally, structure is the bread and butter of screen writing.  Research as much as you can about script structure and you will see how pro's are able layer their action, descriptions, and dialogue into a visually and emotionally appealing story that unfolds in that tension/release manner that works so well with an audience.  

Good luck

Hey Jacob,

I read your script, and I have to wonder if English is your first language. The script is awkwardly written with lines like “You see I take nothing” and “I searched you, always dreamed of such meeting.” Every line of dialogue feels stilted because of this.

Your format is okay, but the slug  “OUT. STREET – LATE NIGHT” needs some work. Instead of saying OUT, use EXT. and instead of saying LATE NIGHT, just say NIGHT. It should read: EXT. STREET – NIGHT.

But to be perfectly honest, what I’m most disappointed about here is the story. I didn’t buy any of it. A guy breaks into a house, is attracted to the woman who lives there, changes his mind about stealing, attempts to seduce the woman and is for some reason blindsided when she decides to call the police anyway. I didn’t connect to any of this.

I’m sorry, but if I thought the story was worth going back to, I would encourage you to start again with this one. But I think you’re better than the story you’re trying to tell.

Keep writing.

Chris

I also think that English isn't your first language, a few moments had some very stramge translations (electric teapot? coffee bank?) so are you using some kind of speach recognition or online translator to work with?

That aside, there are many, many problems here with format, dialogue and story already highlighted by Sham.

The story had no direction and started to actually feel a bit creepy (in a bad way) as if it was some sexual fantasy (mini skirts, transparent night dresses, sexy girl with a good body) come to think of it, we don't have a "porn" category here, maybe Don should consider adding one!

In all seriousness though, check the other scripts, keep practising.
Daz

P.S. the logline pretty much tells the whole story including the end!

I agree with those above me, read some scripts on hear to get a better feel for more realistic dialogue. Also the logline should be a very brief synopsis of the story to interest others in reading, and should not include the main story twist. Good effort and keep on trying.