Inferno by Dwayne Frechette - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - Varius & Jink are sent to the planet Inferno, a world of molten ice seas that freeze then shatter in the icy cold night, for survival training which could mean certain horrific death if they make one little mistake but why were they sent to Inferno in the first place and which one will come back alive - and how? 45 pages - doc, format 8)

Interesting piece. I felt that a lot of the writing needed tightening up in a lot of the descriptions - there is simply a lot of 'using too many words'. Descriptions need to be tight and punchy. A few problems with formatting, but nothing to get to worked up about.

As for the story - in all I think it's good, but there's couple of things that I was a little unsure of:

The flashbacks start half-way through the script - more than half-way through I think. This means that the reader is set up to believe that this is 'two guys struggling to get that goal', and then suddenly it changes to a conspiracy type thing. Using just the two guys I think would work, either on it's own, or as a sub-plot to a wider film, which this could easily be. If the flashback are going to used, I really think they need to be introduced earlier - they could be used to give some subtle hints away - this gives time to develop the underlying story which sometimes I felt was 'cramped'  - there was little room for it to develop.

Only other point was that the style of writing was a bit one-dimensional - I didn't get the feeling the ante was being upped during the action sequences - with some writers you get the impression they are falling off their seats in excitement - whereas sometimes you were just 'relaying events'.

Worth working on.

Hello, SiColl007!

Thank you for reading my teleplay!

You mentioned formatting issues? Could you please elaborate?


Dwayne