The Half Glass by Razi Haider (srazihaider) - Short, Drama - Two different people stuck in their own circumstances trying to find happiness out of there hopeless lives. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

I have written this for a group that I am working with in Frankfurt.

I have tried to use voice overs, and handycam imagery to combine two different stories

any comments guys

I think it's a nice idea, but the script really doesn't cut it. It reminded me somewhat of 'Vanilla Sky'.

You need to loose some of your ing endings:
'Alex records Flavia through a handycam.'

Slugs need tightening:
EXT. MAIN STATION - DAY (you've already specified it's external with 'EXT.')

Description need work:
Adrian stands by a curb; he plays "As Time Goes By" on his violin.

Adrian frantically eats a döner, looks sad. (Primary visual first).

Flavia seems heavy hearted. She's off screen - how can you show this? Do you mean 'sounds'?

Shot: Alex and Flavia's feet. - maybe? Follow by O.S.

So, really needs a lot of tightening up, cut and shorten where you can. Visually nice, but it'd be troublesome to film if you weren't actually working with the director.

Best o' luck.

thanks for the read man. I know the language and the sentence structure needs to go through a few drafts.  Lots of screws need to be tightened. It was the first draft and for a guy who is not a native these things get a little difficult some times.

Points noted, I will try and correct them.

I happen to be directing the movie myself so might be able to get the visuals right. I am in the process of doing story boarding these days lets see how it comes out. I ll try and put the link as soon as it is done

Do you have any suggestions on the story line ?

You have some typos and format problems. It was sort of like an insert. It didn't really have a catchy beginning or end. I think the story could work though if you rethink it...add more conflict/confrontation and improve the descriptions of the characters so we feel something for them. New writer here, so only my opinion.

Thanks Pale Yellow for the read

Description of the characters is not there , you are right .

can you point out the typos and format problems that u thought needed to be changed?

I thought a 5 min short dealing with inner-self cant have huge conflicts or at least that is what I think. The conflicts are there; two people are trying to deal with there hopelessness and both keep on fighting it in some way or the other in the end.

And I am a novice too, Its always nice to have scrutiny, thanks again

Quoted from razi I happen to be directing the movie myself

That does make a difference.

Quoted Text Do you have any suggestions on the story line ?

Tricky question - you don't really have a story-line - it's more of a puzzle.
Alex and Flavia can't have children, and they think that their world will be better if they do have children - Adrian is the example that it's all about perspective - Alex and Flavia only think their world will be better because that is the way they think? Correct? This isn't a story - it's an analysis - which (and certainly as a short) should work fine.

If you're filming it yourself, I think it could actually be a very good piece of work - my concern was with somebody else interpreting it - physically locating people near to the station etc - but if you've got that in your mind, then it is a problem lessened.

The only thing I would add would be an insert (maybe) of the psychiatrist - just so you know who's speaking - something like:

...a deadpan expression.
              
                                                                                          CUT TO:

INT. PSYCHIATRIST OFFICE - DAY
A plush officer - DON WHATEVER, 54, comfortably bearded male, wears tweeds.

          PSYCHIATRIST
    What are you doing?

BACK TO SCENE

The pedestrian looks shocked.

          FLAVIA (O.S.)
      Its just a phone.
etc etc

So that you can put a face to the guy's name.

Like I say, visually, I think this could work really well - it's just the way you have written it that raises some issues.

I am re-writing the script. The reason I have not shown the Psychiatrist is somewhat  intentional

Although you are right about showing the guy .. I wanted it to seem not just like a psychiatrist but voice of God as well

Who tells you not to loose hope, be nice bla bla and when you apply that it in your life it does not make sense ..

I dono if u are getting my point here ..

The thing that the story arc is not present here is some thing I am very concerned with ,although I feel with this story .. info revelation is the key to story resolution ..

format wise, this one is a wreck. you have missing periods, incorrect spacing, etc etc. you're even missing periods at the end of your sentences.

but the biggest flaw of all is that you're writing in the past tense.

dont write "Alex recording Flabia." instead just write "Alex records Flabia." Try to eliminate as many -ing words as possible.

Furthermore, try not to use adverbs. so don't write "Adrian eats a doner frantically." Instead write "Adrian devours a doner."

I hope this helps and good luck with it.

thanks for the read mate.. I have changed the "ing" words in my new draft

My bad for putting the first draft on the forum .. The only reason I did is it was that I wanted to have a point of view about the story .. the formatting was some thing on second priority as we had some deadlines to meet.

Anyways no excuses for that  I ll try and change it right away

Leme know if u want me to read any of your works

hey Razi, we all do it. let me know when you post the second draft. i'll happily take another look.

Razi

As promised I checked this out.

I won't dwell on technical stuff since you are filming it yourself so it won't matter.

This follows the vein of your previous work "Unknown" in that it’s pretty sparse, cryptic and, to a degree, left unexplained. While it doesn't contain the surreal elements of “Unknown” it certainly is similarly tight lipped in offering any answers to the audience, that's ok but I'd like to know more to satisfy my own curiosity if anything.

Essentially, we have a couple going through some marital difficulties apparently related to the fact that Flavia can't have children, Alex wants to save the marriage so he persuades her to go to see a shrink. Flavia says she is not mad at him which is never elaborated on so I’m not sure what she is getting at there.  This is mysteriously intertwined with a street busker (playing the same song Flavia sings) on the violin who feels disconnected, alienated, lonely, etc form the world and is contemplating suicide. There are some hints that he may have been a former great musician in light of what he says to the pedestrian.

I don’t know why Alex is so obsessed with recording everything from the handycam to the active phone call in the shrink’s office. Is this connected to the overall theme?
Obviously, the Shrink’s talk on having a positive outlook on life in order to get Flavia out of her malaise is in stark contract with Adrian’s bleak situation but is that it, am I missing something here? Is Adrian a representation of the darker side of Flavia’s personality and her relationship with Alex which they are attempting to suppress?

I presume this is working on a higher, less literal level but I can’t see it after reading through the script twice.

Can you explain your intentions?

Regards

Col.

Razi,

The technical aspects have been covered in other comments, so I won't add to them.  I think you could do something nice with this idea, but it seems like it might need a little more fleshing out to connect with a broad audience.  

I see where you're going with this (thanks to clarifications from the other posters - I'm not great at picking up on other people's intentions in their work), but, at least for me, it would be nice to see more of the relationship between Alex and Flavia.  There didn't seem to be enough for me to feel for the couple, to root for them.  That may not be what you're going for, but I was left wanting more for some reason.

Anyway, I think it has potential and I wish you the best of luck.

Jason

I have tried to cover the technical aspects as pointed out by all of you guys. So here it is the Revision 4 of Half Glass.

Tagline :  A couple and an Old Afghan Musician stuck in their own circumstances trying to find happiness out of there hopeless lives


Sorry for not replying to your messages for so long .. I have revised the script. Changed a bit of the storyline and tried to have that arc that was missing in the first draft.

@colkurtz8 yes man you are almost right about the story. The idea is that I wanted to work with multiple protagonists going through the same feelings. I think some guys are obsessed with recording others. Alex recording his wife is just a visual tool.