Pretentious Textbooks by Daniel J. Murphy - Short - Textbooks are so pretentious. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Daniel,


You have camera directions in your script. As a writer you want to leave those out. Camera directions are left to the Director and the Director of photography to hammer out.

The story flowed nicely, I liked it. It was kind of funny for what seemed somewhat like a kids/educational story. Not bad. The main thing that threw me was the camera directions, those should be left out next go around. Other then that, good job.

name all of your characters

hit page 2 and i'm moaning. i dont see a story here. i see a bunch of random scenes here with no overall flow. very jarring.

furthermore, i dont know if a story about talking books would even bode well in the first place. I certainly dont see this as a kid's film (as 13thchamber suggested). books are boring to most kids. cars is so popular because every boy loves cars. and how do you sell a shitload of merchandise? make those cars talk.

after reading this short, i dont want to pick up a book. i want to burn them. there MIGHT be some merit to this idea, but it's going to be incredibly tricky to pull off. good luck.

Hello Daniel,

I liked this. I would change Male Voice and Female Voice to names derived from the subjects that they are about. Like maybe introduce them initially in more of a powerful way so that we can get a handle on what they're all about, (obviously because we can't see them) and then give them a snappy name that beefs up some kind of image in our head.

I really like the title. I think you can do more to play up the idea of "pretentious" in the script.

If I were you, I'd go inside the books themselves. Have them "breathing dialogue" from their pages. So, we would really get to hear some of what's written and how really pretentious it is.

In fact, I really do believe that text books and workbooks are highly pretentious because real world and book learning are very much at odds much of the time.

This is a cute little short with the potential to spin off into something more amazing, funny and even powerful.

Sandra

Quoted from albinopenguin books are boring to most kids.

They are? I think it depends upon the child, because each child is unique. Some children you can't pull away from books. Even the pretentious text books!  :)

I know my children always loved books. My one daughter was/is a bookaholic!  :)

This idea could work for children, but I think you would need to bring the books down to a younger level and build ideas around:

What makes this book special?

What makes that book special?

Create arguments to them both. Have children (the audience) questioning the ideas after watching.

It would be engaging and you could really develop it into a fantastic learning experience that might even include a lesson that one thing isn't better than another; they're just different.

Lot's of potential with this little gem.

Sandra

In this day (unfortunately), I would say that most kids don't find books THAT intriguing. Sure, there are some that love them, but I dont think a majority of them would really buy into a script like this.

but you do touch base on a big issue here. this script has an identity crises. this is clearly a script designated for kids (or it should be). the whole concept is too juvenile for adults. but if you make it for children, then you have to do away with the psych books because that's going to go over some kid's heads.

just a thought

Quoted from albinopenguin In this day (unfortunately), I would say that most kids don't find books THAT intriguing. Sure, there are some that love them, but I dont think a majority of them would really buy into a script like this. but you do touch base on a big issue here. this script has an identity crises. this is clearly a script designated for kids (or it should be). the whole concept is too juvenile for adults. but if you make it for children, then you have to do away with the psych books because that's going to go over some kid's heads. just a thought

Yes, that's the impression I had, too. You could probably do it for adults, but you would really have to find just the right angle.  :)

Sandra

been thinking about what you said all day Sandra (while at work of course). and you know what, i think you're right. this could have a market. if you had talking books on a program like sesame street, it would definitely encourage younger kids to pick up a book instead of a controller once in a while.

regardless, now that we figured it all out for Daniel, let's just hope he stops by to read the responses haha

This is a good idea, which I liked when I first started to read it, but it faded quickly, because there isn't actually any story - nothing really happens - the books, in truth (though it sounds odd to say it it) have a lack of character - think toy story - each toy has a clearly identifiable character, which is the strength of it.

There's actually lots of potential here, as with books there are loads of clearly identifiable characters - history books, horror books etc etc, so it has plenty of legs - it just hasn't utilized a clear story direction, lack any satisfying dialogue (as opposed to petty arguing).

Think of a story - give the books a goal, have a goodie and a baddie - and you've really got something here.

Quoted from albinopenguin been thinking about what you said all day Sandra (while at work of course). and you know what, i think you're right. this could have a market. if you had talking books on a program like sesame street, it would definitely encourage younger kids to pick up a book instead of a controller once in a while. regardless, now that we figured it all out for Daniel, let's just hope he stops by to read the responses haha

;D ;D ;D  I've had fun on this thread, though. I like the food for thought.

Daniel? Earth to Daniel?  ;D

Sandra

hey guys,

thanks for the input. I wrote and produced this as a commercial for my college bookstore. This is how it turned out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3R9sCnJ0k58&feature=channel_video_title

Daniel J. Murphy

just some comments on the video.

first kudos on producing this yourself.

the beginning lasts a bit too long. i didn't know sean penn was doing indie films now...

theres some continuity errors with the way the biology book is positioned. first its dark, then its light?

white sound levels are a bit off

i liked the ending.

overall not bad. but once again, the question of who is this intended for come into play. but i've already touched base on that above.

Wow, who's the star guy in this performance?! This is an example where I think he really shines!!! Loved watching him. Adorable!!!  ;D One thing, make sure those books go into recyclables.

Sandra

Daniel,

You've completed a totally watchable production, congrats!
The manager is a hoot, gives off a young Dick Miller vibe.
Yesterday I read a short with a talking pen and notepad.
I thought the rental sticker part was pretty sweet.
The "implied movement" with the cut adds some spice to the screen.
You could take that even further with a few pick up shots.

It's a big long for a commercial, but you did a good job.

Regards,
E.D.

Thanks Everybody

I played the voice of the Male Textbooks. I agree I should have named the books, wish I had now.


Daniel

Daniel!
Great that you managed to produce your story. Though the script, IMHO, was not ready for production yet. :)

I liked the idea and the initial setting, but the whole story didn't work, because, as it was told before, there's actually no story.

Quoted from albinopenguin this script has an identity crises. this is clearly a script designated for kids (or it should be). the whole concept is too juvenile for adults.

I think, that's the next most important point.

You should really decide to yourself what exactly do you want to tell the audience, what is your message – and then rewrite it accordingly.

Good luck.

Congrats on producing your work!  It has a nice production feel to it and I dig the music.  

It seemed to me that a lot could have been cut from the beginning.  The closing up sequence seemed to go too slowly without much purpose.

When I was reading the script, I imagined it as an animation. I think something like that could work in a limited fashion with kids, as others described.