Shopping at Save Mart

Posted by: Don, November 17th, 2011, 5:48pm

Shopping at Save Mart by Josh Bushman - Short, Comedy - It's late at night and Allen thinks he can just walk inside his local Save Mart, but Allen is in for a big surprise when he finds out the store is possessed by the voice of a women and she is angry with him. So it's up to Allen to discover what he must do to make things right. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Posted by: 13thChamber, November 17th, 2011, 7:29pm; Reply: 1

First off, "...he finds out the store is possessed by the voice of a women..." Should be woman...

Posted by: albinopenguin, November 18th, 2011, 4:53pm; Reply: 2

slugs are wrong

no fade in/fade out

show us, dont tell us.

this is a one joke script that wasn't that funny to begin with. ditch it and write something else. i've written duds before. you just gotta move on.

Posted by: Reef Dreamer, November 18th, 2011, 5:12pm; Reply: 3

I'm going to cut you a bit more slack on this.

It was a wacky sketch, based on a simple change in reality. A one joke sketch, but with a touch of heart. Plenty of comedy series and shows are based on this premise.

Yes, the format needs some work and yes I could point out a few things, and I'm still learning everyday round here, but it is what it is. A semi surrealist take on a domestic scene, thrown into a supermarket.

Keep going and enjoy the writing.

All the best.

Posted by: Forgive, November 18th, 2011, 7:15pm; Reply: 4

Have a look at and see what you think:

EXT. SAVE MART - NIGHT
A car pulls into a bare parking lot. ALLEN, (24), exits the vehicle. Walks to the front of the building.
The slide doors do not open. Confused, Allen looks at a sign that states OPEN 24/7.
ALLEN
Huh...
ALLEN again walks in front of the doors. Nothing.
ALLEN
What the...
A woman’s VOICE:
SALLY
And what do you want?
This is SALLY.
ALLEN, startled, looks round but sees nobody.

It's shorter.

Posted by: JoshuaBman, December 7th, 2011, 7:31pm; Reply: 5

Yeah I wrote this one along time ago, let's say just say I was in my experimental phase... But then again I'm always experimenting.
Cheers,
Josh B.

Posted by: JoshuaBman, December 10th, 2011, 10:03pm; Reply: 6

SiColl007, thanks for the tip will update this scripts ASAP, even though it's not as crazy as Damn You Bruce or 3 Nazi's it's still a favorite of mine.

Posted by: Steex, April 23rd, 2012, 2:56pm; Reply: 7

The previous comments touched on all the problems I found with the script.
I thought it was a funny concept. Definitely more of a sketch. It reminds me of the things people wrote when I was at Second City.
I thought it was too long, though.
Also, I didn't really like some of the dialogue of the main character.
Hopefully you fixed the problems, because it does have potential.

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