The Scroll Of Life: A Serial Adventure Part One The Escape by Jeremy S. Noe (jerrynoe_17) - Short, Action, Adventure - First in a serial adventure series featuring security specialist and adventurer Jake Trent.  15 pages - pdf, format 8)

Your action sequences appear blocky. Especially, your first page. Maybe this is why you haven't had too many responses. Cut down on the paragraphs. I guess it's fine if you're filming this yourself.

Jake reminded me of Indiana Jones/Lara Croft/Drake. I struggled through the long texts, but it did have good action.

First page, you can really trim this. You can even increase the tension. Maybe, start with some torture and right before it gets really bad Athena comes in.

I know they want Jake alive, but that sequence with jake and the helicopter suffers from "bad villain stupidity." An affliction that every Bond villain suffers from. The copter pilot sees he has machine guns on Jake. I'm not sure why he just blasts him away with the rockets or gun fire from the copter.

Good luck with this.

I've scrapped the idea of writing this as a serial and I'm now going to write this as a feature. Originally, I was going to have the second chapter actually be the beginning of the series, showing when he arrived at the dig and the attack, kind of like how Lucas wrote the SW films. I think now that it would work much better as a feature. I'm currently outlining this in between the radical rewrite of my short Blood In The Rain, which I'm hoping to have completed this weekend.
Thanks for the read and the review. Your comments help.

This has Indiana Jones/ Drake Fortune written all over it, which isn't a bad thing because I like both.

The main problem with this is the long blocky action sequences, like the previous reviewer stated.  Most of it could be scaled down and tightened up a bit.

There was also a few grammar errors which you should look out for.

I feel it would be a hard concept to turn this into a feature as like I said, the basic story has been done so many times.  In saying that, I would read it because I like this kind of thing so all the best with it.

Steve

Blocky action paragraphs are fine if they describe action. Yours don't. They describe a torture room so get rid of that and put action in them. You can get the bad guys in the room right away. They enter and see their subject strapped in a chair. They pick up a tool from a table and approach him to start again. That fast, that simple.

I'm outlining it again and I should start writing this story again within the next couple of weeks. I'm turning it into a feature and I'm going to use the torture scene somewhere in the second act. It's going to be a much tighter draft I think.