Sledgehammer Charlie by Ted Ludzik (tedludzik) - Horror - Charlie -- one of North America's most notorious serial killers -- has a new life that keeps his murderous jealousy under wraps. But when his wife's handsome cousin needs a place to stay, Charlie finds himself buying a new sledgehammer. 93 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Ted, thought I'd give this a look, but I'm not going to make it past your first 2 passages, sorry to say.

Opening Slug has problems - "INT. FARMHOUSE FRONT ROOM" should have a dash between "FARMHOUSE" and "FRONT", as you're breaking down where you are exactly from biggest to smallest - "FARMHOUSE is the building and "FRONT ROOM" is the actual place they are.  Just something to keep in mind...

The first one (the 1 liner) is very poorly written.  The 2nd one (7 lines, 1 sentence) is a frickin' mess.  Awkward, poorly written, poorly structured, overly detailed in places, completely lacking detail in others.

Don't go over 4 lines in a single passage.  Don't write "sentences" that run past 2 lines.  Name your characters who have speaking roles.  Properly intro your characters.  Don't attempt to direct your shots.

Hope this helps a bit and best of luck.

In your narratives/descriptions remember to show and not tell us what’s on the screen. That’s what dreamscale was talking about because you are telling the story rather than showing you getting these awkward sentences. Without getting to bogged down on grammar, just show.

I just gotten through the first 10 pages,, and you have promise and pitfalls, but all stories do. One of the come ones in the horror story is having a passive hero, who’s too much of the victim. If he’s just going to be reacting then he can’t create much plot and all the plot comes from the monster. Not sure if that’s going to happen, but I’m weary. On that same token, yet other side I like that he has a problem and need. He’s girlfriend’s cheated and he has nowhere to stay and he’s not confrontational.

I read a few more pages and see how things develop.


BLB