Zoom, Zoom by Simon Parker - Short, Drama - Katy and Ben have deiced to be together. But as Ben tries to leave his motorbike gang, Katy's parents are trying to convince her to leave him. 16 pages - pdf, format 8)

First ....read other scripts and start reviewing or you won't be able to get anyone in here to return the favor. It's a two way street.

The dialogue is very unnatural here. Also, the LEADER, you let him have a huge part in the first couple of pages, so, you need to give him a name. If this is a gang, you need to rewrite the action or google gang lingo...it doesn't sound like a gang. Also, throughout the script, you forgot a lot of question marks behind questions in the dialogue.

The whole conversation between Katy, her mom and dad..goes on way too long. Two pages of dialogue is way too much...IMO

After Ben shows up at the funeral..the parents obviously hate him...it seems very unreal that him showing Katy's photography album would change their feelings for him so fast.

The story didn't go anywhere for me. The end was just drab. It needs a lot of work. Keep writing but don't forget to read in here as much as you post.

Simon, it appears as though you're not playing by the unwritten rules of the very courageous, yet highly anonymous, posters on this site.  

I would counter the utter crap statement made by my close friend 007, and say that you actually have an unpolished piece of rather emotional work here.  

Give the Leader a name.  

Take the cardboard out of the characters, and replace it with living, breathing, natural feeling dialogue, while staying on cue with the emotion you're striving for.  

Last, write your action in a way that vividly SHOWS us what is happening on screen.  Don't just tell us.  

To sum it up, breath color and life into your work and you will find success.  Your story is a good one.  

Low Five.  
  

Quoted from TheSecond Simon, it appears as though you're not playing by the unwritten rules of the very courageous, yet highly anonymous, posters on this site.

Okay, I've deleted my post so as not to offend anyone. But in truth, I'm not too sure what you mean exactly...

No need to delete sir.  None at all.  Someone not familiar with the banter on this site could easily be put off, that's all.  

Your opinion is yours, I respect it.

OK, Simon, as I frequently say, your logline is your first attempt to get reads, and if it's piss poor, like this one is, chances are great you're not going to get any reads.  And, by piss poor, I'm talking about having typos and absolutely terrible grammar  and sentence structure showing up.

Check this out...

"Katy and Ben have deiced to be together. But as Ben tries to leave his motorbike gang, Katy's parents are trying to convince her to leave him."

"deiced"?  Huh?  WTF?  C'mon now...how simple is that to check what you're submitting?  "decided"

Also, and just as important, the period after "together" should obviously be a comma.

"are trying"?  C'mon now..."try", but even this entire phrase doesn't flow at all with what you're trying to say.

No way in the world I'm even opening this thing up, as I know damn well what this entire script is going to look like.

I'm sorry to come of so harshly, but this is just terrible and it's clear what the rest of the script is going to look like.  Edit your work.  Be proud of it...make it look like you're proud of it.  Read other scripts and get to know some peeps in here...it's the best way in the world to learn for free.

Best of luck...don't give up, don't stop, and never say die.

Happy Holidays!

One of the worst scripts I've read in some time... The format, the story, the dialogue -- The whole shitbang.  All of it.  I'd rather kick a can full of shit down the street with my bare feet than to recommend it to anyone else.

1st -- It's not BEN'S... It's never BEN'S when you are referring to him laying on the floor or doing a task.  

BEN'S DRIVING.  < That's absurd.  Unless, of course, you're referring to his actual driving.
BEN'S LAYING ON THE FLOOR.  < really?
BEN'S HURT BADLY < where are my eyeballs, cos I'm not seeing this correctly am I... There are much better ways to write how he's hurt than using BEN'S HURT.  Show us how.  where.  why.
BEN'S BUSTING HEADS.

To add to this, "BEN'S" dialogue is so dry water couldn't wet it.  It's beyond repair.  I know you were probably going for the strong silent type, and that's tops... but just go the extra mile and make him silent next time.

"He moves to the far end of it, and amongst a bunch of brunt out old cars lies his once beautiful looking motorbike"

Does that even sound half decent?  

"Ben moves through a valley of burnt out cars and junkers.  Worse for wear and no rubber to spare, he spots his bike in a pile of rubble."

Something more along the lines of the above..

It's totally written off. Destroyed. It must have been a pretty bad crash.

No... no, just no.  See the above line I wrote for you and kill almost 5 lines doing so.

Anyway, your whole script needs work.  You need to edit it and stop using so many words to convey your actions.  I wish you luck on it, and maybe it'll do well -- maybe it will.  I'm not hear to piss in your throat...

I'll go deeper into some of your mistakes when I get to my computer.  Using Phone.

I agree with the previous posters; the script needs work. The dialogue does not ring true, and neither dos the storyline.  Katy is head over heels in love and Ben wonders whether they're just friends?  Its fine if Ben is the strong and silent type, but I think he needs to show more emotion.

The dad's profanity seems over the top at some points as well.

Im also wondering why, if Ben blew the red light, the other driver was arrested?  It wasn't just an accident, right?  Maybe I missed something, but it puts Ben in a negative light and makes him unlikable.