We Know It by Chazz Christopher - Drama, Comedy, Dramedy - Is a loser still a loser if he has 6 million dollars? 110  - pdf, format 8)

Hey Chazz,

I looked at one of your scripts the other day and the same problems are happening with this one.

Look, I don't want to be sounding like somebody going over the same things but you have to work on your formatting, it's just simple things that you are not doing correctly.

We went over "fade in" on the other script, whether it should be on the left or right hand side of the page. It doesn't matter with this because it's not there at all which isn't a good start.

The first two paragraphs start with "We enter" and "We pass" this is wrong and something you never see in spec scripts.

You also fail to capitalise a character name when first introduced and the description looks all wrong IMO.

The first dialogue is 15 lines long, this is too long and needs to be cut down.

You have CUT TO'S, if you get rid of these it shorten your script considerably.

This has all happened in the first half of your first page. The first page is probably the most important page of all and supposed to capture the reader. Not to be harsh but you won't get many reads if you don't sort out these little things.

Also your logline isn't a logline, it's a tagline IMO.

I see you have a few features up but they all seem to have the same problems so hope this helps. Read some scripts on this site and you will see the difference, promise.

Good luck and keep writing.

Merry Christmas

Steve.

I agree with everything you've said.

This script was written several months ago and the version that is up here is before I learned many of the formatting things that I've learned from guys like you!  Thanks...it actually has been incredibly insightful and helpful!

This script was what got me both my manager and my agent - though knowing what I know now I have no clue why.  The inciting incident isn't until WAY late, the story's structure is not great and much more.

As I've learned from people helping me out with structure & formatting stuff (and hearing what the agent and manager have to say - though to be honest they have never brought up this stuff about formatting) it is helping me greatly.

I appreciate it.
Chazz

Chazz, I'll have to agree with everything Steve said and then some. Formatting is obviously important but is something that can easily be fixed.  Your dialogue however is a different story. Dialogue is very difficult to write, but since it is a major part of any script it is very important. I am refering to your lengthy voice overs in the first ten pages that I read. They IMO need to be cut way down or in many case elimated entirely.

     The first ten pages are very important. After reading your first ten pages I discover that nothing has really happened of any interest to cause me to want to go any further. The main character is also somewhat dull and uninteresting as he is painted thus far in the script.  Also I haven't a clue as to what your script is about at that point. Also another reason why I didn't read any further.

     Your logline doesn't give me much of a clue either. I assume your main character comes into some millions but that is about it.

     I am far from an expert or a professional. Everything I know about writing screenplays I have learned from the very talented and helpful writers on the board. Read a lot of scripts and learn from the other writers is my best advice. I feel you are a very talented writer and will eventually be very skillful at the art of screenplay writing. I wish you luck and keep on writing and re-writing.  Marvin.

Hi Chazz - I know this was posted some time ago, and I don't know if you are still around, but I thought I'd give it a read.

I can sort of understand Coop's frustration, as I did kind of like the 'feel' of this one - it kinda works in some way - it almost feels like there's a urm - 'gentle understanding' - which isn't something that I wanted to write, but that's how it came across to me.

I like George's first vo - it looks clumpy, and maybe should be broken up some - but there is an appeal to it. It could be improved, sure, but I like the take on it you have.

Looking at specifics:

# He shuffles up to the doorway and stands for a
short while at the door.
--So just before, he had some daisies - I really liked that. But the 'stands for a short while at the door' is weak. Anything that goes 'and does something for a bit...' is just vague. So he '...shuffles to the doorway. Hesitates.' - does the job.

You say a couple of time that '...a (long) beat passes.' It's okay, but you could be more creative here.

# As his hand gets to the doorbell, he stops and pulls his hand
away. This happens several times before he finally rings the
doorbell.
-- The 'this happens several times' is a bit lazy, and it does detract. If it's worth happening, then put it down as it happens. If he raises his hand to knock, hesitates, then say it as it is.

I quite liked the exchange between Penny and George on the doorstep, but I think it could do with sharpening up - tailoring some.

I do think that you have something here, but it needs to be put down on paper like a script should be - maybe try writing with someone else? I don't know - worth working towards, but it's not the full article yet.

Wish you all the best with it.