Poison or Lead by Rob Milliken - Short, Crime Noir -  A 40's PI is almost killed by poison. He more than survives, he takes out the hoodlums in a series of twists. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

my office seeped to the brink in it.
- Not sure this is either possible, or makes sense.

Focus CAPS on significant noises.

She slams the door open
- (?)

my Accountant friend here of mine included.
- doesn't make sense.

SLIM
( Nods)
- there is no dialogue here - just put in an action line.

BERNIE
That accountant of yours, you should
know, is not getting any gun, but is
contacting a detective friend of
mine whom I already alerted to the
possibility of this entire scenerio
a few hours ago.
- Nicely put.

Sorry, I'm not taking you seriously anymore.

Dialogue too on the nose; too much exposition.

In fact, as I'm reading, there's way too much exposition - like all of the dialogue.

BERNIE ( CONT' D)
( To the Police
Detective)
Looks like you better cuff this one
as well. This guy you can pinch for
attempted murder, though he' s lousy
at it.
ACCOUNTANT
You' ll have to catch me first.
The Accountant makes a run for the EXIT.
-You'll have to catch me first...???

Okay, so you wanted to write film noir - but you can't use that just to forget the entire progress that scriptwriting has made in the last 50 years.

Needs a lot of work.

I have to agree with SiColl, above, and say that this needs work.    

There were more twists in this ten page than in No Way Out, and that was a feature and they quickly got tiresome to read.  I lost interest by page three and started hating my life by page five.

You need to simplify this story... a lot!  Take out half of your twists; they lost all their impact early on.  And condense all that dialog.  Aim for no more than three lines at a time.  The same goes with your description.  You open your script with nine lines of description of the office.  Instead of:

Quoted Text The scene is of BERNIE' s office. Although it' s daytime, the office is dark with night coming through some SHADES and a FEW SMALL LIGHTS which create contrast with the objects within. The office is neat but crammed with various DETECTIVE MAGAZINES, BOOKS, CIGAR BOXES, and various NICK KNACKS that a detective may have. Bernie, a private Dick in his late thirties, burly and unkempt has his legs propped up on his DESK, FEDORA HAT over his eyes, and leans back on his CHAIR, thinking. He wears a LARGE JACKET with big POCKETS.

You could just describe it:

Quoted Text Sunlight squeezes through the blinds and dances with stale cigarette smoke in the small room.  Old photos hang on the wall, of BERNIE shaking hands with POLICE OFFICERS. Bernie (40) leans back in his chairs, feet propped up on a cluttered desk.  A fedora rests on his head and over his eyes.

Don't describe everything everything in the room unless it's needed.  And, when possible, describe it when you need it.

Hope this helps.


Phil