Spiders and Snakes by Zack Van Eyck - Short, Drama - A teenager bored with his small-town life finds excitement in the company of a female fugitive.  But the journey she takes him on could be his last. Male lead, 16. Female lead, late teens to mid-20s.  Four male supporting characters, a teen, an older man and two police officers.  Exteriors near a freeway and on a country road. Interiors in a van, a car and a house. Drama, 11 pages. - pdf, format 8)

Hi Zack - you don't really need all that stuff in the log-line (Male lead etc) pretty sure it'll put people off.

Aside from that, I liked this - it worked very well, bit slow at first, maybe you could find a better way of showing the kid's bordem (instead of sharing it).

No major issues with the formatting - couple of double (cont'd) - might be the program you're using? (Celtx sometimes adds them in automatically).

Story kept me interested, whilst I never knew which way it was going to go - great ending - Margo was intruiging, Skyler came across as naive, and I felt that was well executed.

Good stuff.

This was a good story. It read fast. At the point when she pulled the gun on him and shot the door, I think he almost played it too cool. It was a bit unrealistic, but the ending made up for it. Great work.  I found mistake other than what was mentioned earlier...

Mason and Atkins console Tyler as the body is covered.  I think you meant Skyler instead of Tyler.

Look forward to reading more from you.

Hey Zack,

I don't know if you're a regularly contributing member to the site.
But based on the reviews here and some intriguing logline snippets, I'll crack it open.

Very telling about Margo that she dolls herself up post accident. Nice touch.

The repeated INT/EXT hybrid slugs are irksome throughout the read.

Pacing slows considerably once Skyler and Margo hit the road.
Given their "movement"  it feels odd to downshift into small talk.

P. 13 Mason and Atkins console Tyler as the body is covered.
         Who is Tyler?

Pretty decent tale and reasonably well told.

If you're a regularly contributing member critiquing script here, I'll go into more detail.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Zack,

I looked at your other work "The Importance of Being Furnished" I quoted the writing was good but the story lacked.

With this one, again the writing was good but the story was far better so well done for upping the game.

There were flaws but not many, the writing was pretty smooth throughout. I would recommend changing the front cover though, the font is too big. Others have already mentioned the big mistake on page 13 but that's an easy fix.

Margo was a good character and had a lot of presence. I wasn't much into Skylar until the end when we found out he had snaked in Margo but got his pleasure anyway, smart guy. Gaylord was also another inspired name and although it's been done, still gave me a chuckle.

I also enjoyed the ending with the cops and the "Son...you might wanna zip up" line.

I now hope you will join in, respond and contribute. Let us know your around and more people are likely to give you read.

Nice work!

Steve

Wow, thanks so much for all the great feedback, everyone!!  I should have looked at the feedback on this script first!  

I'm happy it was well-received.  Of the two dozen-plus short scripts I've written, believe it or not this is the only drama.  I've written a number of dramatic features (still way more comedies, though), but tend to enjoy comedies for shorts.  But I'm encouraged by this response.  It's on my list for having a staged reading this spring, and I'll fix the Tyler/Skyler typo for the reading for sure.  And then I'll rewrite with that, and this, feedback in mind.

Again, these comments are much appreciated, thank you!

Z

Oh my god, Zack! ;D ;D Welcome to the boards. Thought you'd never show up, better start returning the reads mate before someone notices. ;) ;D

Mohammad