Permanent Shadowing Project by Jacob Greenberg - Thriller - FBI advisor proposes a unique strategy that allows him to get to Mafia leaders through small drug dealers. 117 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Jacob. This didn't really work for me.

Opening line needed a double read, which I don't think is always a good sign.

I think the agents need a name, and they are also lacking any kind of description before they speak.

Steve also lacks an introduction - name should be in CAPS first time it's introduced. Also, I'm not sure of the description here - may be okay with some people, but better is 'muscular' - it'd be difficult to show 'strong'.

You're putting action lines inside dialogue lines. I'm wondering if you intended to put them in parantheticals - but if you did, then they still wouldn't belong there. They need to be placed as action lines.

# was studied at the high spheres.
-- was studied in the highest spheres?

     FIRST AGENT
We are here to offer you a job
at the FBI.
     STEVE (ironically)
Really? What an honor! I am
flattered. Me, a professor at
the Harvard University, will be
a catching gangsters. Who could
have thought about it?

-- it's starting to nose-dive here - spoken ironically or not.

     FIRST AGENT
And please take in consider the
fine salary they are offering
you. It's an important factor
too.

Now either you have language issues, or it's a mickey-take.

This really needs a lot of work. One of the major issues is that there is very little in the way of initial descriptions of new places, and this is important to get a feel of what we are supposed to be viewing.

Your dialogue needs a lot of work on it too - listen to some films and try and write down what they say - check the difference between that and what you have written.

Keep workin'

Simon