A Count On Reality by Sam Klien - Short - An accountant in the 1930's whose clients keep mysteriously disappearing… 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Sam,

First off, your logline doesn't seem right to me. "An accountant's clients keep disappearing" is better, in my opinion.

As for the script...

-Since you're using camera directions, I'm guessing it's a shooting draft. People here prefer regular drafts without camera directions.

-It's best to name all of your characters, since it gives them more personality.

-Whoa. A lot of V.O. there. Usually it's best not to have as much V.O., because film is all about visuals. We'd rather see a story on the screen than listen to a narrator talk.

-"INT/EXT. LOCATIONS - VARIOUS. DAY/NIGHT" Kinda redundant and a waste of space to be there, in my opinion. It has no purpose, since it doesn't really tell us anything useful. Instead just write slugs over the different shots in the montage.

-"Dr. Schmidt still has his white doctor’s coat on, and is a very snobby, condescending man." Show, don't tell. you need to SHOW us that Dr. Schmidt is a snobby condescending man, rather than just telling us. Otherwise, how would we know when watching this on film?

-"EXT. OUTSIDE OFFICE BUILDING" If the slug says "EXT." we already know it's outside, so just "EXT. OFFICE BUILDING" will do.

-A few of your sluglines weren't complete. For example, "INT. ACCOUNTING OFFICE" isn't right. You have to put "DAY," "NIGHT," or "CONTINUOUS" at the end.

-Don't use "NEXT DAY" as a transition. Again, that's showing, not telling. You could use "SUPER: THE NEXT DAY." But actually, your last scene takes place at night, and the next scene is a day scene, so it's a safe bet we'll assume it's the next day, anyway.

-The rest of the script is more of the same kind of thing...lots of V.O., hardly anything visual going on...etc. I'd consider turning this into a regular short story or something.

-There's "FADE OUT" or anything at the end.

I hope this helps. Like I said, this would make a good short story. It could be in first person, and you could just use the V.O. as narration... Just an idea.

Hey Sam,

Couldn't get past the first page sorry to say. Cut down that first V.O, 30 lines! This will put a lot of readers off including myself.

Good luck and keep writing

Steve

Didn't like this one.
- characters all lacked description;
- you say this is set in the 1930s: the language is very stilted; almost how you would expect people to talk 200 years ago;
- secretary comes in and they immediately have a glass of scotch: doesnt make sense
- the ending was disappointing: so was he mad and so he killed himself? If he was, there wasn't much sign of it before. Just didnt make sense;
- the beginning VO: that's a lot of stuff to get through and you will lose people right there
- and finally a small point: the doctor says the accountant is not going to get his salary: he doesnt earn a salary; he gets a fee.

All in all: "Other" was a lot better.