Positive ID by Tom Reidy (Tommyboy2) - Short, Drama - A rapist is at large. The Police have nothing to go on....until they get a lucky break. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

To be honest, this was not good.  It was long and drawn out.  Magee was very unbelieveable as a sergeant... or whatever he was as I don't know what a DS is.  Your ending was confusing and very anti-climactic.

You need to learn how to shorten everything.  This comes in at just over ten pages and it could easily be cut down to six, if not five.  Descriptions like:

Quoted Text DS Magee motions WPC Jones to sit down and then unzips his leather case and puts some files on the table in front of him. He flicks through some note cards and then looks at the white board behind him. There is a large map with different coloured pins in various locations. There is also photos of clothing and a knife. There are dates and times written at various intervals. Finally we see the word VICTIMS under which the figure six has been written

could be shortened to:

Quoted Text Jones sits as Magee opens a file.  He flips through some notes and compares them to a white board behind him, filled with a city map.  Push pins mark locations. In the corner, a list of names is seen under the word VICTIMS.

I just cut this description from eighty-four words to forty three words.  You don't need to include every detail.  If you wanted to show Magee drinking coffee, you show him raising a coffee mug to his mouth.  You don't need to show him put a fresh filter in the coffee maker, pouring the coffee into the filter, the coffee dripping... etc. etc. etc.

I assume that the title DS means that Magee is some sort of superior officer.  I didn't see at with his actions.  He lost control of himself and of the situation to easily.  I couldn't see him  in any role of authority.  Anywhere.

Your ending, while a slight surprise, had no impact.  I didn't feel any urgency to solve this case so, when the suspect was ID'd in the line up, it meant nothing.

You need to build some suspense in this story.  There wasn't any.  If the line up was a half hour earlier, the majority of your script would've been Magee driving in rush hour traffic.

Why did you leave out the peroids at the end of every description and every piece of dialog?  It was distracting.

Hope this helps.


Phil

OK so your theme is that appearances can be deceiving. You have one episode of that with the cell phone message from the little boy, and then the final reveal with the female rapist. I like the concept but the execution needs to be far more polished. There is no suspense: the end just comes abruptly. The dialogue also feels as if it has been lifted from bits and pieces of TV crime dramas. Some humour, preferably black humour, would be nice. Nice idea though but it will take a lot of reworking to pull off the ending.

Rkwok, you should put SPOILER SPACE in your review before you revealed the surprise ending.


Phil

Thank you for your comments.

I normally write songs, this is my first attempt at a screenplay.

I will try to shorten the script as you suggested. I do tend to babble a bit when describing scenes. I will also try and give the characters a bit more depth.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond.

Tommyboy2

Hey Tom,

The writing could do with some work but I’m guessing this is a first effort and if that is the case there is no shame in this for a first script. As someone who watched “The Bill” when growing up and yes, I know how bad that sounds, I kinda liked the setting you have here.

You have already been told about shortening this so won’t go there although everything mentioned by Phil is correct and the biggest flaw here IMO. Try to give Magee more confidence and authority, as a DS he should be controlling his team but he lost the room for me.

DC Miles for me should never question his boss, it’s not professional and the phone call from the desk sergeant doesn’t ring true. If all what he said is happening, Magee would have been told before anybody if he is in charge of the case, I doubt they would go above his head without informing him and go ahead with the line up without him.

I did like the final reveal; I didn’t see it coming and it’s a good idea of the presumptions a reader make so kudos on that.

Quoted from dogglebe Why did you leave out the peroids at the end of every description and every piece of dialog?  It was distracting.

I also didn’t understand this?

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

Hi Rkwok,

I agree with the above points, but I also wanted to give you some ideas of how you can improve the "thriller-ness" or emotional intensity of this piece. Perhaps you can add some extra scenes outside of the headquarters, where randoms encounter the rape victims in hysterics, or the villain pretending to be a victim (but we don't know who she is yet) or the forensics crew sorting out the investigations - change the scenery and get some action going on.

Any other users feel free to disagree, but crime shows show more than just the staff of the people investigating the crime, so it makes sense that this one should do the same.

The layout of your first page could be improved to the industry standard, which looks something more like this: http://www.screenaustralia.gov.au/documents/SA_publications/IG/SuggScriptLayout.pdf

Don't worry too much because with time this screenplay could be really amazing. I for one liked the twist at the end :-)

Tom,

This is a good effort for your first try.    I won't go over everything that's already been said but you do have some formatting issues.  

It looks like you're using an Australian format for your Slug Lines, which just reads strange to me.  

There's no "FADE IN:", which technically you don't need if you're not fading in, but most scripts have it.

Also, there's no "FADE OUT.", which is needed to indicate that the script is over.  I had to scroll down to make sure there wasn't anything else after the last line of dialogue.

Something to keep in mind, people from all around the world are going to read your scripts on here.  You might want to keep the abbreviations to a minimum.  If you are going to use them, be sure to explain what a DS and WPC are.

Welcome to the club.

Quoted from Nomad Australian format for your Slug Lines, which just reads strange to me.

I have to ask what Australian format is? :-/ I've never heard of it? Also I think, and only guessing from his scripts that Tom is British? Again, just a guess? So why would he use Australian slugs?

Steve

Hi All,

Thanks again for your comments. they are all very helpful.

The Fade In/Fade out was a silly mistake. I forgot to add them due to my ignorance of the software I was using. I have no excuse for the full stops (periods) that I omitted at the end of a scene. I can only assume that I went a bit dotty (lol).

I'm working on a 60 minute drama at the moment so this is a very good learning experience. Hopefully I will not make the same mistakes again.

BTW Coop you are correct on two counts. I am from London and I did grow up watching The Bill. Good call.

Thanks again for taking the time to read my script.

Kind Regards

Tommyboy2