Hope by Gabriel (blendingmad) - Short, Sci Fi - A teenager's hope to have a blue planet again. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Gabriel,

Clutter.

Clutter washes out your story.

Clutter=CUT TO: POV: CUT TO: POV: BLACK SCREEN: PAN TO GIRL: ANGLE ON: CLOSE UP: CUT TO: (times a bajillion) POV: (times a zillion) ANGLE ON: (times a thousand) WIDE: CLOSE UP: (times a million).

Try this: cut all of that stuff out, every digit. Then completely cut out the (VO). Then see what you have (besides 3.5 less pages).

Ah, lest I forget, what is up with the washer machine? I'm getting the idea that this is a highly reflective washer machine yet I've never seen a highly reflective washer machine. For art sake, yeah, I can buy it. It would be cool. But maybe it's just pushed out a window and tumbles ass over tea kettle reflecting a dank and dark world and then slams to the ground next to CHLOE who doesn't flinch (with out the pauses, cut to's, stops, starts, ups, downs, lefts, rights, et al). Well, I don't care how versed you are in falling washer machines, I'd flinch. I'd flinch at all the rubbish falling down. Definitely art. Rubbish everywhere, falling, slamming, not giving a care.

Maybe it's like that video game on XBOX? Bioshock?

Gabriel, besides the "cut to's", you have a lot of basic formatting issues. Right off the bat you left off "FADE IN:."  Just a little thing but kind of important. Your sluglines are all wrong. Your very first one should be: INT. LIVING ROOM OF AN APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY . The way this is written it seems like we are watching this washing machine fall to the ground  through a window or something. You say the machine is turning, still falling to the ground. Then all of sudden we are outside. Your slugline says it is an exterior shot and it is still day but where is the action taking place. I think it should be: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - CONTINUOUS at this point. The washing machime is still falling you mention in action a couple of more times. You see where I'm going with this, I hope.

     Your character Chloe is down below cleaning up oblivious to the falling washing machine. This has to be fantasy because it is not realistic. And on that level why a washing machine? Is the washing machine symbolic of something else? Just curious of why you picked it is all.

     I really don't get this piece at all, on any level. I like the concept but I'm afraid you just don't pull it off. My advice is to read a lot of scripts on the board and study the basics. Remember, a good story, even a short one should have a beginning a middle and an end .

     It is good that you finished a script. I applaud you for that. Work on formatting and your basic story. You have a point to make here and with a little work, you can still make this into a good script. Good luck, Marvin.  

Thank you Marvink and cloroxmartini, I will rewrite this short script taking your valuable informations into account. Re-reading my script after reading your comments, I definately have some work to do: cloroxmartini you are right I need to take all that stuff out, reading other short script has definately open my eyes. Marvink yes there is a big formating issue which I will correct. Hopefuly my next version will be better.
Thanks again for the comments. I now get back to work...

Hey Blending,

glad to see you pop and appreciate the reviewers comments.

Apart from re writing your script may i suggest you read other scripts, review and  pass on your feedback. Even if this is new for you, honest comments are helpful.

This way you learn more and others are more likely to help you out with rewrites and future scripts

all the best

yeah there's a alot going on here as far as describing the falling washing machine,  but i still liked the imagery. i'll probably keep this in mind when flipnote comes out and might consider animating it. if thats cool.

I think this would make a nice short animation, with a bit of work on Chloe's dialogue, which could be narrated from the start and throughout. I thought it was artistic and since someone mentioned Bioshock, it does have that feel to it.

Not being a script writer ( i am having a try though, will post if I finish) I cannot comment on the layout, although I did find it a bit confusing and cluttered.

It would be fun to try and animate it though.

Look forward to more.