Curry Advice Forum by Tom Reidy (Tommyboy2) - Short, Comedy - Curry caper.  4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Tom

Apparently I`m the first victim to review your short.
I am very sorry to tell you.... But first of all "curry caper" is not a logline.

You have no fade in, no dialogue and a huge amount of formatting issues.
Your pages are just complete blocks of words, descriptions usually call for 4 lines max.
You have continues at the end of the page and the start of the next page.

This is very hard to read.
Tom, you really have to read other scripts on this site, to learn the proper format.

Best of luck to you

Mark

Hi Tom,

Backing up Irish Eyes' post.  

If reformatted, this could be a cute piece (albeit more than a bit quirky, since there is no dialogue.)  

But you do need to rewrite for standard screenplay format.  IE: descriptions that run no more than three lines max.  Also, get rid of anything that isn't essential to the scene - ie: overdescribing an action, or anything that could be contrued as telling the actor how to play the part (emotions, etc.)  

I  agree - you need to read a few scripts, get a feel for how to streamline the story, make it flow.  But keep at it, it's worth it  :)

I'd agree that there is an element of a story here, and it could probably work quite well as a short.

I'm not sure why there is no dialogue - is that intentional - i.e it's an excercise? There is dialogue re the TV - and maybe you could tie the TV dialogue in more closely with what is going on as it appears a little unrelated.

If it's not essentail that there's no dialogue, then it may be better to bring in another person, to help move things along somewhat, or just have the guy monologuing.

*********SPOILERS******************

I was also wondering if the pigeon should die first - just after the guy finished eating. I wondered why it took so long for the pigeon to up-end?

Apart from that - I'd echo what's been said above.

Hey Tom,

I wish I had good news...but this needs a lot of work.

I was intrigued by the title and even logline which isn’t a logline BTW. I’ve had many curry capers after a nights drinking so you could assume that this would be right up my alley but the long blocks of action was a real turn off.

It’s the first time I’ve ever seen Jeremy Kyle mentioned, takes me back to the good old days of Trisha when I was at college but now I’m reminiscing.

If anything it made me question and Google whether a 3 week old curry could do any harm so kudos on that. who knows right? ;D

Read some scripts on here, learn and cut down the paragraphs, too long and blocky will make readers throw this away without even reading a page, don’t mean to be harsh but that is the way it is. It’s only because this was 4 pages that I continued but overall I’m glad that I did. Like others I think there is a potential good little short here.

Learn some of the formatting and give this a rewrite.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve.

Too much description and not enough dialogue.

This might work if you were writing a short story, but a script means a story told through dialogue.

Also, waking up is not the best way to start anything. Usually, you can cut this out and get to the good stuff. Good luck and keep writing.