Pity the Fool by D. M. Larson (freedrama) - Short, Comedy - An artist makes himself a part of his painting.  Is he foolish or a true artist? - html, format 8)

Hey D.M,

This one didn't quite do it for me, found it very dialogue heavy and the story didn't have an enough going for it IMO.

SPOLIERS:

This guy literally goes through all this just to pick up chicks? What's wrong with going to the local club on a Saturday night? Seems a lot easier. Guess I'm not an art fan.

The biggest disappointment and this is my own fault really as I was expecting something different from the title.

Pity the Fool!

I was hoping for some satire or spoof take on Mr. T with a title like that. ;D ;D Again, my own fault for making assumptions when reading a title.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

lots of mistakes right off the bat.

you're missing FADE IN, character descriptions, etc etc. it's "a couple of women" not "woman." read some scripts. get a better feel for how to to write. from this point on, i'm putting format, spelling, and grammar aside.

why would the women be startled if jeorge's eyes pop open? unless they literally pop open....

try to avoid -ly adverbs

"let's the water refresh him." don't write anything that can't be captured on screen.

Jeorge starts to cry. not "Jeorge is starting to cry."

gonna stop here. I'm really confused and I have no idea what's happening. read some more scripts, work on it, and post a second draft. when you do, let me know and i'll happily take another look.