We Can Breathe In Space by Wesley Frazier - Short - In middle class America, divorce is mandatory. The question tickling the children is...when?  4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hello Wesley,

I hope your around. I'm not sure what to make of this. Your logline said 4 pages and it was 8 but ended abruptly.

I will hold my discussion on this simply because I think you might have uploaded the unfinished version of the script you wanted to post.

I mean, it stops right in the middle of the convesation. So, check in to let us know you're here and if this is the intended script that you posted.

I have a feeling, it's not.

Shawn.....><

Wesley

The page length says four yet its 8 pages long.

The writing is actually very trimmed and direct, very little excess.

Christian and Nellie don't act their age. Christian just comes off as a pretentious, know-it-all little dweeb and at 13 that's quite a feat (your character profile of him at the beginning didn't do him any favours). Nellie's dialogue swings from sounding like a late teen (describing the couch as "loud and uncomfortable") to a 5 year old, very inconsistent and unnatural.

The ending made absolutely no sense to me whatsoever; maybe I'm slow on the pick up here. Please clarify.

Keep writing.

Col.

Not great, unfortunately.

Firstly the log-line only has a passing semblance to the script, which is more about two kids finding out that their parents are divorcing following the Father's numerous affairs.

The writing focusses too much on unnecessary detail - the kids making their way to the sidewalk etc.

There are references to Christian's belief that his father never loved him, but this appears to be just a passing reference - it's not really tied into the script.

I don't think the writer has really settled on a 'point' in this story - it's really a vague re-telling of events - if Christian had been focussed on and the story really told from his point of view and looked at with some depth - the impact/strain on his various relations (Mother, Father, Sister), then it would have had a stronger basis.

Worth re-writing, but I think the writer would also need to improve his writing skills some.

Simon

Many things need to be fixed before you continue this one.

1.  You're writing thoughts in your action slugs.  How can we see some of this stuff?  "pride in revealing the falseness of people?"  You can't show me that.  That has to come through in dialect and character as the script goes on.

2. Large blocks of action.  Nothing over 4 lines, but try and trim them to 1, to 2 -- seldom do 3 and 4.

3. Some misspellings.  Your should be You're, for instance.

4. Tons of overwriting.  

"Both children walk in a steady pace as they head home.
Nellie’s distracted by the cracks in the sidewalk, trying
her best to avoid them. Christian takes note of this."

"Both children walk a steady pace - Nellie's distracted by spider-webbed cracks in the sidewalk, tries to avoid each one.  Christian watches closely."

Anyways, just some suggestions on the technical.  Your story is incomplete and thus I'm not even going to get into it... Some good dialogue peppers the pages you do have.

You have just taken part of my life that I will never get back.  

A script needs an ending.  This script doesn't have one.

Please don't waste our time with incomplete scripts.

Quoted from Nomad You have just taken part of my life that I will never get back.   A script needs an ending.  This script doesn't have one. Please don't waste our time with incomplete scripts.

Close to the most damning description i have read on these boards....

I understand the frustration, ok i haven't read this script, but we should remember to be constructive, even if its only how not to do things. Guidance, is useful.

Just saying.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Close to the most damning description i have read on these boards....

My comment wasn't meant to be damning.  More factual.  

We all give our time reading each other's scripts.  The least we could do is make sure the correct one was uploaded.  Do accidents happen?  Of course they do.  

This particular script just had a number of things wrong that I found unacceptable.

I did say "please".

Wesley has not chimed in. It has been triply reported that this might not be a complete script.  I think that what's happening here is now just a piling on.  Any other non-constructive comments will be deleted until we hear from Wesley - like we agreed.

Is there an ending?...

Hi Wesley - agree with all above comments. I read it more like I was reading a short story - but one without an ending. My advice is to figure out what the story is, then sketch it out to get the structure sorted. Then, make it into a script paying attention to advice in previous posts.

If you read it out aloud, the listener should be able to tell which character is talking without being told - at the moment your 9 year old talks like an adult!

By the way

What makes you think people from England are really smart!!??? (good looking yes, but smart....:-)

The most interesting thing here is the title, unfortunately the script does not live up to the title.

It does feel incomplete, which has been stated. It's also bulky with the descriptions, try to shorten them and be more direct. The format isn't bad, it seems you have a handle on it, now just try to get a compelling story to write about.

Hi Wesley.

Overall, I thought the idea was good, even though it does look like you've uploaded the wrong script. Was that ending intentional?

There were a few things that I noticed, that I thought could have been fixed up a bit.

Firstly, I think the log-line is a bit misleading as the children never seem to have given divorce a thought until their parents very suddenly drop it on them.

"Nellie overly imitates a musician's body language" I liked this a lot. I thought that maybe you could elaborate a bit more with that line, maybe specifying any particular movements that Nellie does. The line by itself seems a bit vague and I wasn't able to work out the actual actions she was doing.

The way the parents broke the divorce to their kids was a bit unrealistic. I think there would have been a previous discussion about the divorce before the two parents decided to sell the house.

I found the moment when Christian handed Stacey a cigarette a bit unrealistic. No thirteen year old boy would be willing to do that in front of their parents no matter what the situation. I also don't think any normal teenage boy would react the way Christian did, when he heard of the divorce. I think he should be a little gutted by his parents divorce, at least.

I loved the way Nellie was portrayed! You nailed the innocence behind her character perfectly! You also managed to find a fine line between the comedic side of things and the drama and for that, I must congratulate you :D

Overall, I liked it. I felt the message was there, just with a few unrealistic moments.

Keep it up :)

Dan

Some of the description was more than needed.  Better to show it in their actions, than say it in text.  The boy was irritating, but as the younger sibling of a pair, I can relate to the uppity attitude -- always looking down the nose at the younger sibling.  That part rang very true for me.  The attitude toward the parents was a few years too soon.  15 - 16 more like it, but then their situation may have advanced things.

Perhaps it is finished, and that was the revelatory moment where we were supposed to go "Wow!", but this is what happens when we leave out the basics, such as FADE OUT:

:)

P.S. - I'm not sure, but perhaps it hits here that the son lied about the extra marital affairs to break up his parents and the mom just realizes it?