Wicca Patrol by 0 - Short - Sometimes more than a badge is needed to serve Justice. - pdf, format 8)

I liked it.

Some minor spelling mistakes, but format, structure and pacing are all good.

Had only one shot that didn't seem to fit the tone - when Abbie jumps the car in her bike. Felt a little out of plcae as compared to the rest of the 10 pages.

No sign of the antagonist yet. I would suspect he/she will be making an appearance soon.

Overall - Good job. I like the idea of a Wiccan cop. Has lots of potential!

I was intrigued by the log line here and so decided to give this one a look.  Glad I did, I love the premise.  You'll definitely want to do a reread on this, because I noticed a lot of small typos and such.  Not enough to confuse, but it was a little distracting.

Otherwise, I thought your writing was pretty good, it read well and I could easily picture the action.  Not sure if we got to the inciting incident yet or not, but you may want to cut this opening back a little if not, if you intend on expanding to finish the feature.

Congrats for finishing!
:Duan

This was okay. You open a few interesting threads in the story (namely the nexus of Abbie knowing Larry) and had a good car chase scene. The killing in the robbery was pretty cool, too. Despite having those two strong pillars, the story itself felt too slight and lacking cohesion. To be fair, though, you've done this in a week. I'm most curious as to whether or not you have a backstory in place, 'cos a lot of it felt stream of consciousness. As a cool aside... I pictured The Undertaker when reading Larry. You definitely did a good job with cultivating a strong antagonist. I liked the name as well. Memorable, but hints at comedy - sounded like a stoner story.

This was fine. It kept me interested enough to read the whole way through - part of it is because I wanted to see how you would integrate the OWC theme into it.

One line stood out as very "on-the-nose." It's when Larry says "I have nothing to lose.." Other than that it was okay.

Couldn't get whether this was to be a comedy or a thriller. Pretty good opening scene. Didn't get why you had Sam stick around to help Joe, only to have them both get wasted. I thought they were hip to Larry and were ready to outsmart him.

The cat had me laughing with all the "Meow, meows" and sticking to the hood. The scene with Abbie bunny hopping the car on a motorcycle I also found funny. Should've given her that E.T. moment in the sky in front of a full moon. Cat in the basket.

Smiled while I read, hopefully, your intended reasons.

James

Well...shocking amount of mistakes on display here.  Spelling is not good.  Sentence structure is not great.  Overall writing seems extremely rushed.  You have a tendency to use many words and phrases that are completely unnecessary, making this 10 page intro about 4 pages longer than it needs to be.

Can't say this worked for me in any remote way.  Sorry.

Good effort.

Could have been much better.

The writing needs to be tightened up and desperately needs to be proofread.  This read was ruined by a lot of technicalities, unfortunately.  

The cop was cool.  Even Larry as a druggie, crack addict, robber, murderer, fugitive from justice, psychotic douchebag was okay.  

Just really needs to be cleaned up.

Greg

easy read, definetly entertaining. came across a lot of typos... but i'll leave those to the experts.

Abby seemed more like a superhero then a witch with all those stunts. you were pushing it.

i think the  "unit 66" thing is a bit cheesey... she's got a pentagram..shes a witch... we get it. no need to over do it.

the invincible black cat thing kinda bugged me a little - going to need an explanation on that one.

other then that fun read. good stuff!

This has a lot of problems technically, grammar also could do with some work but it had a lot of white space and was an easy read even with the typo’s and awkward phrases.

Try to avoid words like obviously, apparently and also try to cut down on “suddenly” it got repetitive to keep seeing it pop up every other line.

The story on the other hand was a hoot and I think you probably had a good time writing this. Maybe it’s the 80’s action movie lover coming out in me but I really enjoyed this, thought the cat clinging to bonnet was a really funny visual.

A couple of lines gave me a giggle “greased lighting” I saw referenced somewhere.

Although technically it wasn’t great, this was a fun and entertaining ride.

Congrats on completing the OWC :)

Steve

So yeah, you've got some stuff to work on, but that's not a huge deal here. I kinda liked this one. The thing that worked the most, IMO, is the pacing of the chase scene. It really drew me in, so good job:)

Wouldn't mind seeing the rewrite;)

There were typos in pretty much every sentence.  This was one of the more unfortunate ones:  "sweet drips from his forehead as he submissively hands the bag to Larry."

The idea behind this isn't bad:  a cop that uses witchcraft to bust crime.  But, the execution here came off as comical when I'm pretty sure it wasn't meant to be.  I have to admit, the cat sticking to the roof like TJ Hooker had me laughing.

So, a good concept, but in need of a more consistent tone.  Either go funny or go serious, but don't try for both.

Yeah, the misspellings and run-on sentences were killers to deal with at times.
But even with that, it still read fast to me.
I guess you were going for comic relief. Some of the goofy dialogue Larry's says to himself
has to be done intentionally: "splat."  "I'll be having fun tonight."  "I don't have anything to lose dammit."
Found it corny but amusing.
Disable the "continued" feature on your software.
Some good elements here with the cop and her cat, but fix the typos and stuff.
Fun read despite the problems.
Good luck going further.

Title - yeah i think this works. We have the Pagan name and then patrol to represent the police on bikes, just like Chips, but a witch....

Logline - humm, this needs some work for me, at present it is a tagline. i'm sure we are all going to debate this further and i am not the best, but i do feel it needs to sell the story, who the pro tag is, whats their obstacle is etc As if you have to pitch your script in an elevator to a movie mogul (and not get down on your knees and beg!)

Story - starts with a robbery, murder, then chase, capture and a reveal at the same time. Yeah, sound order.

Yes, the writing needs some work, avoid ly ending words. Occasionally they can be used, although some dispute even that, but there are far too many.

For example instead of  "Suddenly a call comes in..." simply try " A call... It won't take long and to be fair the story still flowed.

As a concept two things bothered me;

1] black cat - cliche? maybe works but i'm just questioning. on reflection i could live with it as she seism to have a goth vibe and this fits.

2] if she's Wiccan, they believe in the rule of three and as such do no harm otherwise it comes back threefold. She clearly does harm. Does this conflict, well yes it does. So, if we have a conflict maybe we need some indication of why.

all the best

I had a few problems with this one. One of which is the tone. I'm not sure if this was supposed to be intentionally goofy, but some of the dialogue (Larry's) seems to be going for a comedic touch.  

Also, if this is the start of a feature -- I'm trying to imagine a 90 minute script with a biker-witch-cop who's cat rides up front on her ride. It could be really good fun, like GhostRider with boobs or something, but...

I dunno. There's also some slightly odd description like where the bike "jumps" over the car and then a nod to evil-kenieval. Again, could be really silly and fun -- but it just didn't seem to nailed properly yet.

Anyway, there's certainly something good here, just not sure what to make of it yet!

LARRY (CONT.)
(Frightened)
What...what are you doing?
She takes the blade and quickly draws a Pentagram surrounded
by a circle in the dirt.
Then Abbie looks sternly at Larry.
ABBIE
(Coldly)
Justice

Now that's a witch!!

My guess is this is relatively early work for someone, based on the writing and some of the formatting. If so, an encouraging start. Keep writing!

Great premise here for a full on comedy!

At the moment though, the violence and wry humour sit together uneasily. Work out where you wanna take this, maybe a 20 page short, clean up the errors and it'll be cool.

Cheers stevie

Quoted from stevie Great premise here for a full on comedy!

Is this supposed to be a comedy?

Quoted from Dreamscale Is this supposed to be a comedy?

Yes.  Sorry, one day I'll sit down and explain to some of you Americans how comedy works ;D ::)

Commas 'n' clauses trip up in the first line.

You have a some-time aversion to apostophies...

There are lots of grammar issues, but they are by-the-by to some extent.

It's a quick, clean story - relatively simple. Can't complain to much on that front - you've not tried to over-extend yourself, so it's well balanced to your abilities. Good base to improve from.

Where to improve then?

Accepting the restrictions of the OWC - proof read. Maybe look into sentence clauses.

Maybe look into highlighting some detail now and again, and a bit of work toward tension.

Apart from that - no real complaints - except for noting that it was probably a 'short' in itself - you may have to think about where you would go to extend this to a feature.

Simon

Quoted from Dreamscale Well...shocking amount of mistakes on display here.  Spelling is not good.  Sentence structure is not great.  Overall writing seems extremely rushed.  You have a tendency to use many words and phrases that are completely unnecessary, making this 10 page intro about 4 pages longer than it needs to be. Can't say this worked for me in any remote way.  Sorry. Good effort.

Quoted from Dreamscale And remember, I'm going to post nothing but positive, warm, fuzzy feedback to every contributing writer.

Tsk, tsk. I'm not getting the 'fuzzy' here for some reason...

Its evident that you really enjoyed writing this!  And that shows through in the final product...  (My favorite bit in this is the SPLAT effect.)

As an overall submission - well, this one has it's shortcomings.  The characters are cliche, as is alot of the action.  But it works in it's own fun way - so I'm not holding that against this.

The writing style was choppy.  Typos, too many exclamation marks (!) and a tendency towards overdescription.  If you rewrite this, a few things I'd suggest is shortening the sentences - with less commas, less asides and adjectives, and less character acting direction.

All that aside, it's good when one gets a sense that a writer enjoys what he/she writes.  And that's a positive right there.

page 1 Sam the customer... you already explained that.

I really enjoyed this... could well be made into a feature.
Just a little more descriptions on the characters.

I loved the Wicca cop and her black cat..

well done

Mark

Good on you for throwing your ten pages into the OWC!

P. 1
Opening line.
Slug repetition in sentence one.
A CAR pulls into an empty parking lot of a GAS STATION...

You told us in your opening slug we’re at a gas station.
We don’t need to see it again, especially in your opening line.

P. 1
Improper character intro...
watching a fat CUSTOMER, SAM,...

No need to capitalize “customer” here...
Unless this is a “relic” after you went back and named the guy.
Get rid of it, makes for a jarring read.

P. 6
Despite some chunky descriptions, this does read fairly fast.
Somewhat like Hellfire, this one’s got a ripping action vibe.
And I don’t mind that, it’s a nice contrast to goth teens, etc.

P. 8
Wow.
Instead of “jumping the shark”...
You jumped the cat.
Wow.

P. 10
Abbie’s dialogue clanked here for me...
I’m fine. But I think its to late
for him.

Ooof. Movie of the Week much?

Finished.
Pretty decent actioner, but little plot to chew on.
It’s more a ten page grabber than anything else.
No idea where the story’s going...
I expected Larry to deliver some exposition before his demise.
As if he was part of a bigger plan Abbie was after.

Regards,
E.D.

Although there were a lot of typos here, I'm still willing to say this was a good little short.

The set up in the gas station is kind of standard I think, but nonetheless, good. I could feel the tension one might feel in such a circumstance.

I'm not a big cop show fan and it felt like that to me, but still I think you pulled it off quite nicely.

Sandra

I have to echo the sentiments shared by several people here that this one was kind of a mess. Overwritten, poor grammar and several actual spelling errors that really made this a chore to get through.

Now, while you tend to overwrite, I used to overwrite as bad as this was, too. So, you've got to try out some scripts here and read them to get an idea of how to say as much as you can with as few words as possible.

Good luck with your rewrite.

Nice job Hugh!!

It was my number 3 choice.

Mark

Mark thanks much!

I'm glad you like it. I may try and clean it up and do something with it eventually. :)

I like Abbie, and think she could be an interesting character.

HGW

Very nice, Hugh.  In all actuality, I see this as a possible series, rather than a feature.  I think more detail could be put into this to flesh it out more, then create other episodes for Abbie and her familiar.  I had no real problems with any of the writing.  I liked your action and the dialog was very credible.  I didn't feel anything being said was forced or false.  One of my favorites of the OWC, I'd say.

After all the violence, I don't see any story here and the characters are flat action pieces killing or being killed.

Nice work. I got the comedy. I thought it worked well.

Typos...
P.3 - ‘Sweet’ instead of sweat.
P.6 - ‘Floor board’ is this supposed to be dash board?
P.7 - ‘The car speeds down the road like greased lightening’ ;-)
P.10 - ‘She places the knife back in her cloths’ instead of clothes.

The chase sequence was the strongest aspect to this short for me.

Lou