Real Counterfeit Witches Of The Twenty-First Century by 0 - Short - A witch and warlock living in the twenty-first century obsess over their rogue history from 1786 London. They find themselves victim to a curiously evolving coining machine.  - pdf, format 8)

If this is written by the person who I think wrote it then I leave the same exact feedback every single time.  

But there's one thing in this script that makes me think it might have been written by someone else.

Either way it was frustrating and I had no idea what was going on.

Wow, this writing! It's hurting my eyes! ;D Only joking, but I'm really not digging your descriptions for everything. It's your writing style though and I can't really hate it just because I don't like it.

Managed to finish it and the truth is, I understood nothing :-/. Don't really know what happened, this all sounded like a poem of some sort waiting to be deciphered. ;D

Sorry I don't have much to say.

Edit: Okay, my comments came off as really harsh so I apologize. You're a great writer, this stuff is amazing for a book. I think if you really tightened your writing, you could write a great screenplay. Gratz on completing the OWC, a lot of people finished the ten pages, and that's says a lot.

like Season of the Witch..this was anothe really tough, long-winded, disorienting read. but with "Season" it was the dialogue that was too much. you have the opposite problem.

the actions and discriptions especially are WAY overwritten. you write like a novelist... not a screenwriter.... you dont need to be this poetically vivid.

the action needs to be short and concise... you spend 4 of 6 lines detailing how things look and sound....we want action and progression. too many ink blocks.

i feel like there's 3 or 4 pages that could be cut with some economizing.

I think my brain just exploded.

Vividly written; almost poetic. The words, descriptions, dialogue all flow together - unfortunately, I couldn't make out what was what and why. I really tried, I did. I just felt like it was something flying right over my head.

I'm not sure we have a 10 minute script here - infact, we may only be at half that when you take away the colour of the descriptions and take what's actually film-able.

Thanks

Although I agree with previous feedback about this being over written in places, I have to say that you have a way with words and I found a lot of it imaginative but unnecessary.

There were parts of this I liked but some confused the hell out of me and for tht reason I found it difficult to know what it was about?

I could guess what is happening but think I will way off the mark, be interesting to see what others think of this and hear what the author was going for?

Apart of the over writing, I thought it also had a lot periods when a comma would have been better used, it slows the read IMO. Also the “dissolve to:” and “flashcut” felt unneeded and wasted valuable space but this whole thing could have been tightened to make it shorter.

Want to mention this line: “He whips out (thank god) his phone.” This made me chuckle, liked it. ;D

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

Before I comment I want to ask you a question.  Do you actually take any of the notes you've been given onboard? Do you even want notes on how to improve your scripts? Or do you ignore them and just do your own thing? That isn't meant in any manner but as a neutral question, I'm simply curious and probably a few others are as well.  You have your own style, it's unique and recognisable and I'm not sure you're really looking to change that.

I liked the logline.  It could have been a bit clearer about their goal but after reading the script, maybe not.  At the very least, the logline got me to open the script.

Before I actually read the script, I read some of the comments.  So I knew who wrote this and what I was in for even before I read the first word (see that's a real achievement).  However, for some reason I was sure it would be different this time and that I would get what you were going for.  Unfortunately, I was very wrong.  

If you read my last review of one of your scripts, well, that would be pretty much what I would say this time.  

And I probably would have been ok if you used esoteric but recognisable reference because I decided to google things this time.   Unfortunately that didn't work here.

What it did tell me was that this probably is taking place in the not too distant future  but I'm not ruling out that it could be some alternate reality.  I got the coin machine part but I didn't really see it as menacing as you described in your logline.  Then there was the Lou Lou doll.  Is this what you meant?



Then using scone as a verb really threw me.  By that point I had given up on understanding it.  If this was a full length script, I would not read it (except under duress because you asked me to do it as a favour and I would feel obligated).

It's wonderful to have the brilliant use of language that you do and you come up with the most wonderful turns of phrase.  However, what good does that do you if no one really wants to read it except due to obligation and, if a screenplay, no one wants to film it.  Let the filmmaker and the reader into your script.  The way you write is far too self-indulgent (and you know that I know exactly where you're coming from), it seems like you write only for you.  

I have a dare for you.  I dare you to write something, grab a camera and then try to film it.  I guarantee that will change the way you write screenplays forever.    

This was a tough read for me.  You write with such a poetic flair, but it works against you in the screenwriting format.  I got caught up in the musical lilt that in the end, I was left confounded.
I went back over some passages just to see if I was reading too fast, but even then I still couldn't grasp what you were getting at.
The story alone needs to be delivered with clarity.
In the end, I just don't think your style of writing works here. Sorry.

I'm having a little trouble with my computer. Darn it, but I will try to get this reply down before it takes a puke again.

I think you write beautifully for a novel:

The shaded passage feels moist to the eye, canopied by fervent vines.

The ugly sound marries the MELODY from John's Apple Manifesto...

But as for a screenplay, you are supposed to keep it brief to push the story forward.

Your beautiful writing tangled my feet in this script  :-/
and in doing so, I'm sorry to say that I wasn't able to follow the story...

Sorry,
Cindy

Good effort.

Noticed some of the earlier comments, so before I even start, I am pretty sure I know who wrote this. I will give this script a try and I will make comments as I go. If I get lost, I will quit. However, you will know exactly where that happened.

Page 1. I read the 1st half of this page and so far I am with you. I can see this. My only gripe with the ” John's hand”. If I you I would just say a male hand since John has not been introduced yet.

Finished with page 1 and I agree that it is overwritten, but I'm still with you.

Page 2. Okay, I followed Lou-Lou's transformation but got stuck on her dialogue. I have no idea which means with sky farmer and counterfeit. I'm also not sure what you mean by FLASHCUT.

I don't know what a throopnee is and I hate having to Google things when I'm trying to enjoy the story. I did not Google it so right now John's dialogue was lost on me.

Page 3. The thought just occurred to me. What does Lou-Lou look like at this point in the script? Is she still the brunette or is she the way she was after the transformation on page 1?

Finished page 3. I'm still with you Sandra, but I wish there had been more description about the 3 men that break through the door and haul her away. I don't mean I need full descriptions what they look like, but more active descriptions of what they are doing. Especially when they hang her.

Page 4. You called the place stealth shack. I have no idea what it is. Some comments earlier complained that you overwrite in poetic way. I would say that you underwrite on the things that actually help us visualize places and people and actions. This stealth shack is one of those things. You describe the inside as delightfully messy, but that doesn't tell me anything other than it could be just a regular room. When you decide to call a place in your slug line a stealth shack, you absolutely need to tell us what that is. To me Lou-Lou is just in a bedroom or living room right now.

I also do not understand the dialogue here. That is fine however, I think.

Moments later the old Melody Bloom's in the microwave. I have no clue what you mean here, but I don't think I'm lost just yet so maybe it's just a visual thing to delight in or be confused by rather than something important that move the story forward?

Page 5. I have a very hard time picturing the 1st paragraph on this page.

The 2nd paragraph however, is easy to understand and see and they also find out through dialogue that Aragetta is a person. It's not a name you hear often so I was not sure if it meant something on the previous page or if it was just a name. Now I know.

Page 6. Now I'm getting confused. I think I can picture her sitting like a bird perched on an unseen branch. Very David Lynch-ish.

Okay, your 1st paragraph in the motel room needs some attention.

What does " heady sensory uptake slowed” mean? I am also confused at this point if John and Lou-Lou are at the same place or if they are 2 separate places.

Okay, further down on this page I found out that they are probably not in the same place. She's trying to hide from John? I did not know this. I guess I missed something from earlier on.

Page 7.” He alternates his thoughts from the Arbor to his tea.” How on earth would you film that?

Page 8.” Are you this sexy witchy babe we're looking for?” LOL!

Page 9. Wee-wee room? What's wrong with restroom? That just sounds silly. On the other hand, maybe that fits right in with the script.

He whips out (thank God) his phone! I bet you had a lot of fun when you wrote this script. LOL.

Page 10. What is transmogrifies?

Okay, I reached the end of your script and yes, there was confusion here and there, but I think I manage to follow along a little bit. Like Michael said, you write the way you write because that is how you like to write. However, as screenplay writing goes, I'm afraid that you might be turning people off. The things that you described so eloquently are important to you, but not important from a filmmaking point of view. Which goes back to what I said earlier, that you underwrite the things that are important for actual filmmaking. I think Michael had a great idea that I think really would help you understand how you need to write screenplays. Take the camera and try to film something that you wrote even if just the shot. Does not have to be a whole script just a shot. Perhaps then you'll understand how some of your descriptions would be impossible to film.

I hope this can be to any help for you.

Pia  

Woohoo!! I got through this one!! (IIRC, this writer's last OWC script was the only one I couldn't finish.)

While it is clearly overwritten and thoroughly confusing, I really like the bones of the story (at least as I understand it). After a total rewrite, I think this really has potential.

Good job completing the OWC:)

Not read other feedback yet - so apologies for any repitition. I'll give the other feedback a read and may come back to this.

Logline... not too sure.

Introduction is a little fanciful for my liking.

Most of the writing appears overly aesthetic, to be honest.

Top of page 2 - you're losing me a bit here.

P2 - He presses a lever? Should that be pulls a lever?

The FLASH CUTS were irritating, and I don't think you've used them correctly?

I think you need to decide if you want to write a novelistic piece or a screenplay.

A talking bird?

# Poor Benny Malone with the wilted look of a man whose wife crafts doilies, but wont
-- You're actually calling this a description of someone?

Just flicked through the final three pages - you completely lost me.

Confusing, opaque story.

May need adapting to a screenplay.

######################

Read the other feedback, and went over the end of the script again.

(Very restrained Jeff. Well done.)

I agree with the other comments. You can film it yourself if you want to. If you want someone else to film it - make it comprehensible to other people.

Interesting story.

Poor screenplay.

Congrats on getting an entry in.

Simon

Well, I think the comments ahead of mine make it pretty clear this was not easy to read or follow. I agree that it's greatly over-written. An absurd amount of time is spent establishing the tone and waxing poetic. If I were tasked with re-writing this, it would be half the length it is.

I don't have much to say about the story because I only got an impression that there was any story to tell. If there is actually a story here it's elusive.

I feel like I need to read this in some altered state to get it or even appreciate it. It also feels like you love the sound of the voice in your head, but something's being lost in the translation to the page.

Good effort, and a considerable one at that. I don't imagine this was easy to write, it's too bad none of us seem able to reach its lofty ambitions.

Found this one tough going.  The writing’s competent, and there are several nice turns of phrase, so kudos on that.  (Looks like a bad garage sale comes to mind.  The going down transition was interestingly played, too.)

Overall, though, I found the writing *too* flowery and poetic – the story confusing.  It comes across that Joe’s following Loo Loo through time, but the details were hard to dig out.  I’d recommend streamlining this one – both with descriptions and plot points.  Though - it's an interesting and ambitious take on the challenge...

Cheers and best..!

--J

During the past year, as I've attempted to learn this craft, one of the things I've worked on is trying to convey images the way you want the reader to see them. Definitely a challenge, and ideally you want images that stimulate, that create a story in the readers mind.

This writing seems to want to do this in a slightly different way. It's as though the images come to us in dream like form. Either they are sharp but strangely fleeting, or vague, almost liquid.

I like it sometimes. But I'm a spaceshot, a dreamer. If you don't keep me focused on what's going on, my mind wanders. Can't help it. But part of me keeps reading. At some point I wake up hypnotized in the middle of the story wondering where I am and what's going on.

This writing has that effect on me. Can be like a beautiful song that I have no idea what it's about, but is somehow soothing.

examples:

--Footfalls on the sunny path into the ARBOR where the sun
only bleeds through momentarily--

I think the word momentarily perhaps works, as I understand the effect you are trying to create, but there has to be a better way to word this.

--Off go the prostitutes. Chat melts into the distance.--

I think this line is simple and effective. Personally, I think 'Off go the prostitutes, their chat melting into the distance' is better, but I know we have people frightened of 'ing' in this isolated little world we inhabit.

--John drops a sugar cube delightfully into a delicate
china tea cup, his careful hand stirs it with the
smallest of spoons. Done, he plays with the spoon,
springing it happily up and down with measured grace...--

Boy, you really captured the character and image very well with that description. I think a lot of us, myself especially, would have been tempted to paint John's character with his dialogue, but this is much better. We know a lot about him without his having to say a word.

I can't comment more specifically on the story itself, sorry. I did read it, but kept wandering, the melody of the words bringing me to unpredictable places, like a lullaby driving a dream.

Fee-fi-fo-fum!
I smell a penis tongue.

It’s a dense narrative... but I’ve seen worse.
I imagine a shooting script would be say... twice as long? More?

P. 6
Typos.
a man whose wife crafts doilies, but wont

The period and apostrophe have a bone to pick with you.

Finished.
I liked the glimmer of the interplay of counterfeit meanings...
But I have to wade through so much claptrap to get to it.

I feel like you paint in a thick shade of thesaurus...
Just cuz you can. Not because it serves the narrative.

Regards,
E.D.

As with many others, I found this a difficult read.  The prose was flowery and artfully done, but it got in the way of the read.  I'd love to see if you could pare back a bit while keeping your unique voice.

If I'm honest I have to admit I didn't really understand the story here at all.  And since we have a fade out I'm assuming this is a short, so it's not like any of my questions will be expanded.

Not sure I can say much more that hasn't already been said.  Though congratulations on finishing an OWC!

:Duan

Let me start by saying why I got interested in screenwriting. I feel like it's storytime right now...

I was born in Brazil and lived there up until I was 11 years old. Just enough to speak perfect Portuguese, but not enough to speak it eloquently.

At that age, my father was offered a job in the U.S. and we moved. Within several months, I could speak english and interact with other students without much trouble. Because I came here at such a young age, I speak perfect English without a portuguese accent.

I also got here late enough, where much of my schooling was spent learning the basics rather than learning to do what you do. I don't know either of my languages like you clearly know the english language. That is a gift you have.

Having said that, I fell in love with screenwriting because you have to be economical with your words. You can't have your reader stop every other line to look something up.

The way you use language is fit for poetry and other forms of writing, but it's difficult to follow a script that way. I respect your writing very much. I just have a hard time following it.

Good luck.

Whoever wrote this has clearly been on the 'Johnny Big Smokes'.

I don't really know what to make of it?  I feels like you've butchered a novel to try and fit into a screenplay.  I'm sure there's a good story here but it's too hard to find.  Reading this is like swimming in custard.

You're obviously a decent writer but you need to tone it down.  You can still write elaborate imagery without it sounding like gobbledygook.

Just not sure what to say about this one.  It's hard to comment when you have no idea what you just read.  This script had the fractured, hallucinatory feel of a vivid dream put on paper.  I constantly felt like I was playing catch-up as I read this, like I was still trying to decipher the previous scene.

One approach I used while reading all these scripts was, if the title and logline were the "commercial" for this script, would it intrigue me enough to buy a ticket?  And how would the first ten minutes of this film affect me?  The title didn't grab me and the idea of mixing time-traveling witches with some coin machines would be a tough sell, at least for me.

If I was watching these first ten minutes in a theater, I think I'd start glancing around to see if anyone else looked as confused as me.

The writer does have a gift for painting vivid imagery and can turn a phrase with ease.  But so many of these scenes had a baffling, non-sequitur progression that I became lost very quickly.

"The shaded passage feels moist to the eye"

Not sure what that means.

I'm also unclear what a sky farmer is or what the relationship between John and Lou-lou is or even how the coin machine plays into everything.

You don't cap the intros of Aragetta and Benny, but I honestly couldn't tell you what they were doing in the story either.

I think the writer of this has a flair for language and has a firm grasp of format.  But, this felt more like a whimsical reverie than an actual story that the reader could become emotionally invested in.

Im sorry , very very tough read for me, it was directed more towards a novel than a screenplay... Could have been shortened alot.
Descriptions overwritten.... But nicely wrote.
Dialogue ok.

Good job on finishing OWC


Mark

Quoted Text                             PROSTITUTE                    Aye cum on John and Lou-Lou. Fits                    and fights again? Bury the bones. Off go the prostitutes.

And then...

Quoted Text JOHN MAYLORD, a rich lord of lust,

I couldn't stop laughing. I...can't stop.

Anyway, what's not funny is that the slugs are incorrect. Writer makes the mistake of intentionally misspelling words for sake of "character accent and "pronouncination" Cut that out, spell it right.
I have no idea what's going on. Pass the metaphysical bong, I need a hit. Jibber-jabber and Lou-lou...

not into this. Need to eat lunch...
P-take, perhaps?

This script wore me out trying to figure out what was going on.  I never did truly figure it out.  All I could surmise is that all these folks from the past also come together in the future/now?  Tough read.

Quoted from mcornetto Before I comment I want to ask you a question.  Do you actually take any of the notes you've been given onboard? Do you even want notes on how to improve your scripts? Or do you ignore them and just do your own thing? That isn't meant in any manner but as a neutral question, I'm simply curious and probably a few others are as well.  You have your own style, it's unique and recognisable and I'm not sure you're really looking to change that.

Thanks, Michael for reading. What I understand is that I lack clarity and I really do try hard for that, but I consistently fail; so to answer: Yes, I would like to change that.

For this particular script, I researched some 18th century lingo, such as:

Sky Farmer

I particularly liked it:

Cheats who pretend they were farmers in the isle of Sky, or some other remote place, and were ruined by a flood, hurricane, or some such public calamity: or else called sky farmers from their farms being IN NUBIBUS, in the clouds.

*I had to laugh when I read it and thought it suited my lovely Lord of Lust, Lou-Lou's cohort, John, Maylord. Now, when I think of it, such a scene, if it were a feature, would be a riot to create and would reveal "the mystery" which I was unable to convey in the brief admonishment from Lou-Lou:

Lou-Lou
Sky Farmer! Counterfeit.

*For the short I thought it was enough for her to say that and I thought people could reason that someone farming in the sky would be either a dreamer or a liar or both.

But yeah, I had a lot of fun researching that.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Page 2. Okay, I followed Lou-Lou's transformation but got stuck on her dialogue. I have no idea which means with sky farmer and counterfeit.

*I've explained it above what that means, but I see now that in the script, I failed. I had thought that a fast cut to a flashback (with John seducing her with the newfangled coining machine) that would show what he was up to. In that scene she says,

Lou-Lou
Drawing the king's picture! ...

which was more 18th century slang for producing counterfeit coin.

[/quote]

Quoted from Grandma Bear I don't know what a throopnee is and I hate having to Google things when I'm trying to enjoy the story. I did not Google it so right now John's dialogue was lost on me.

Sorry about that. I thought twice about using it, but I thought the image of the threepence in the beginning would clarify it later on because when John picks it from the machine, it's the same coin from the beginning. (But how is the reader supposed to know that?) In my head; not on the page.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Page 3. The thought just occurred to me. What does Lou-Lou look like at this point in the script? Is she still the brunette or is she the way she was after the transformation on page 1?

Very good observation. Since I had trouble with this, I tried to make clear that all the Lou-Lou's had the distinctive smear of white/black.

>He sees Lou-Lou’s face changing: Lou-Lou the skimpy brunette, the yellow haired bird, the stone face love torn wench-- all Lou-Lous with a smear of white and black hair that’s course and tangled like the vines.

*But in a read, I think it can blur together unless something specific sets it off in motion more., like a bee settling there-- something more to guide the eye.

I don't know if it's a mistake or not, but Lou-Lou is first introduced in her 1786 form, red haired, pale... and "that" is within flashback. And from there, I do a FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK!!! Holy Moley! Did I do that?! Guess I did.

There they are, on the streets of London in the pouring rain, arguing about what they know about, but the audience isn't sure until we get to that second flashback with the coining machine and then zip back to the streets where she THROWS the coins!

She's fed up with him and that life. She's afraid because she had a premonition of what was to come. ...

So I think what's happening is again, I'm not giving enough contextual framework on the page.

LOU-LOU
Wherya ramp this rattletrap?

*In old lingo it would be a type of machine. Today, it's thought old and worn out.

Where'dya ramp it from? Means: where'dya steal it?

Quoted from Grandma Bear Page 4. You called the place stealth shack. I have no idea what it is. Some comments earlier complained that you overwrite in poetic way. I would say that you underwrite on the things that actually help us visualize places and people and actions. This stealth shack is one of those things. You describe the inside as delightfully messy, but that doesn't tell me anything other than it could be just a regular room. When you decide to call a place in your slug line a stealth shack, you absolutely need to tell us what that is.

I also questioned the slug. Mostly, it was important that she was living out in desert terrain, purposefully away from community living and using some kind of technology to provide a stealth mode against her "sometimes cohort", John Maylord.

This use of technology is only alluded to in this short with the rattletrap going from the lmitedly snazy, but old fashioned:

A-PELLA MANIFESTO I.

That is only a counterfeit coining machine

to the:

APPLE MANIFESTO XLR-8.

That manifests in 3d

to the:

APPLE MANIFESTO XM-1000.

That Wanda accidently messed with and they wind up back in 18th century London.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Moments later the old Melody Bloom's in the microwave. I have no clue what you mean here, but I don't think I'm lost just yet so maybe it's just a visual thing to delight in or be confused by rather than something important that move the story forward? Page 5. I have a very hard time picturing the 1st paragraph on this page.

The Melody itself, is merely a device within The Magical Arbor that John Maylord fantasizes within. It's kind of like how we hitch a memory to an old song, a time, a place. Whatever that Melody is, it's moist and alive as the Arbor itself, in contrast to the dryness of the desert where Lou-Lou currently resides, hiding from John and the memories of her execution.

I didn't nail what I was getting at on top of page 5

>An ugly electric sound plays on the aimless horizon until Lou-Lou’s old shack enters frame. The ugly sound marries the MELODY from John’s Apple Manifesto-- it targets:

I sensed an ugly electric guitar sound like the first chord beginning A Hard Day's Night
and some kind of grating mess on the nerves, but it literally marries the transcendent Melody that has travelled via "the waves" of John's Apple Manifesto. When it does, it becomes something powerful and able to even stifle the poor man's banjo blues.

Quoted from Grandma Bear The 2nd paragraph however, is easy to understand and see and they also find out through dialogue that Aragetta is a person. It's not a name you hear often so I was not sure if it meant something on the previous page or if it was just a name. Now I know.

When the music infiltrated Lou-Lou's shack, I wanted her reaction to be one of upset. Clearly, she "thinks she knows" that it's coming from Aragetta's room in their shack and from Aragetta to boot; so she's angry at Aragetta for such nerve.

However, when she arrives in the room with no Aragetta, it would be a very scary moment. She might be questioning whether she was still asleep from the pills, or whether John had found her and is messing with her.

INT. ARAGETTA’S ROOM - DAY

Neat little space decidedly female. An open laptop sits cold in the corner, apparently off.

LOU-LOU
You know that music reminds me--

Lou-Lou opens her eyes. The music is silenced.

LOU-LOU
Aragetta?

No Aragetta. Lou-Lou looks down. A NOTE she reads aloud.

LOU-LOU
Went to Antelope Hill to scone
poor Benny Malone. We can use the cash.
Hope sleep was good. Your very best friend, Aragetta.

The stunned Lou-Lou looks around the empty room.

***I've been getting flack for using "scone". That I can't help. It sounds right and I don't think Benny minds.  ;D

Quoted from Grandma Bear Page 6. Now I'm getting confused. I think I can picture her sitting like a bird perched on an unseen branch. Very David Lynch-ish.

Birds sometimes sit as if on the alert, never really resting. I imagined her as if skulking. But how can one skulk if they already know they are noticed? Does she want to believe she has already been detected by John? No. All I could see and feel was her intensely on alert, not really standing on the ground, but as if on something else. Maybe like a dancer ready to leap, but the bird seemed right.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Okay, your 1st paragraph in the motel room needs some attention. What does " heady sensory uptake slowed” mean? I am also confused at this point if John and Lou-Lou are at the same place or if they are 2 separate places. Okay, further down on this page I found out that they are probably not in the same place. She's trying to hide from John? I did not know this. I guess I missed something from earlier on.

Heady sensory uptake = She was zoned into feeling a potential threat

And it was slowed (zoned out) by her thought of Aragetta turning tricks with Benny.

Makes perfect sense to Sandra.  ;D But really, I was thinking: Someone's going to ask, "What's Heady sensory uptake?" I should have scratched it then and there.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Page 7.” He alternates his thoughts from the Arbor to his tea.” How on earth would you film that?

My request would be that it cut back and forth from John's internal focus on The Arbor and his external focus on his tea. I just didn't think I needed to write cut to: because I thought that would damage the flow of what I wanted to get across-- the fact that The Arbor is his internality at this point in time.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Page 9. Wee-wee room? What's wrong with restroom? That just sounds silly. On the other hand, maybe that fits right in with the script. He whips out (thank God) his phone! I bet you had a lot of fun when you wrote this script. LOL. Page 10. What is transmogrifies? Okay, I reached the end of your script and yes, there was confusion here and there, but I think I manage to follow along a little bit. Like Michael said, you write the way you write because that is how you like to write. However, as screenplay writing goes, I'm afraid that you might be turning people off. The things that you described so eloquently are important to you, but not important from a filmmaking point of view. Which goes back to what I said earlier, that you underwrite the things that are important for actual filmmaking. I think Michael had a great idea that I think really would help you understand how you need to write screenplays. Take the camera and try to film something that you wrote even if just the shot. Does not have to be a whole script just a shot. Perhaps then you'll understand how some of your descriptions would be impossible to film. I hope this can be to any help for you. Pia

Transmogrifies means when something changes into something else. I neglected to say into "what".

I definitely did imagine shots, even if I didn't use a camera. For example, in The Arbor I had written about every wavy tendril. These I saw as close ups, but I had neglected to show John's specific attention to their detail, or even perhaps the necessary attention as a close up in my description. I guess I could have written:

Close Up: Yada yada.

But then I think I'm restricting it too much and ruining it.

The scene where John and Lou-Lou are mid-argument against the building in London during the heavy rain, I saw as up close-in-your-face personal. I haven't got a clue how I'd film them with breathing in each other's breath, sweating fear. It would be from one side and then over the other's shoulder with another camera and perhaps even from above. And even from far away, from some vagrant's POV as he takes notice.  There are lots of options there, but mostly, I had seen it as so close it's claustrophobic.

Looking at the first page now, before the flashback, I believe it necessary to provide sight of John in "the now", in The Arbor or exiting it, perhaps as his reflection in one of those glass gazing globes. Anything, but then there would be at least one establishment of connection for which I failed in this attempt.

**

Quoted from leitskev I can't comment more specifically on the story itself, sorry. I did read it, but kept wandering, the melody of the words bringing me to unpredictable places, like a lullaby driving a dream.

Thank you, Kevin. I messed up making connections that people could understand. Maybe down the road I will return to Lou-Lou's stealth shack and John's magical Arbor. We will see. Right now they've been shot back to London 18th century by Wanda Wuffle's blunder so I don't know.  :)

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Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley And then... I couldn't stop laughing. I...can't stop. Anyway, what's not funny is that the slugs are incorrect. Writer makes the mistake of intentionally misspelling words for sake of "character accent and "pronouncination" Cut that out, spell it right. I have no idea what's going on. Pass the metaphysical bong, I need a hit. Jibber-jabber and Lou-lou... not into this. Need to eat lunch... P-take, perhaps?

I'm really glad you could have a good laugh, Darren.  ;D Sometimes it's unintentional, but it's good just the same.

No, despite some of the comments. There was absolutely no bong involved and no alcohol. I write when I'm completely straight. I'm not a druggie type of person. Just regular me, but I get "sucked into" a kind of portal of feelings and images and I guess I just have to do my best with it.

I love a good laugh. As some SSers know.  ;D

Glad I served you some.  ;D ;D ;D

Guys,

Thanks for reading and commenting,

Sandra