A Mother's Legacy by 0 - Short - A mother bonds with her daughter while uncovering her past which holds the key to saving their futures from an evil spirit. - pdf, format 8)

Title - so so to me. It is powerful in that there is the blend of a mother and the future without her, so maybe more than i give it credit for, it just didn't jump out at me.

Logline - at least you have tried unlike others, but it doesn't mean much too me. Why bonds, why would she not do this daily - we don't know. needs some work IMO

SPOILERS

Overall, it is well written and paced, a few typos as always (p4 bother rather than brother) and a few strange words or phrases (arises - when you mean stands?).

A few other things;

1] i wasn't sure when Abby was writing and when she wasn't in the session
2] I wasn't sure that Abby would provide an opinion to Chloe about being given up if she was paying for a service. it could happen, and it maybe a reflection of the issue she has with her child,  it just surprised me.
3] The last scene threw me. It didn't feel at all she was the mother. Even if there is a history, it felt she was a babysitter from what she did and how Ian was acting - i think that needs some work.

However, i think you set up a feature more effectively than most. The first ten pages are initial message, image and character, maybe with the inciting incident. I could see a journey to follow although not very clearly in terms of where it will go, but still we had the characters and there was a history.

The Aiden character appears to rescue Abby then die in a church because of some devil thingy. i assume this will be a driver.

all the best

Hadley has been in the spotlight a lot this past year or two.

The writer here does some good things with images, and does some things that effectively build a sense of intrigue. There is certainly potential. The huckster psychic who also has occasional real visions is always cool, I like those kind of characters. We get the sense that whatever happened to her, she was forced to become a survivor, and she's therefore a scrappy, active protagonist.

And yet she remains actively stalked by her past, her destiny perhaps. She can't hid from it. A well worn but always effective formula.

With the number of simple spelling, typing, and grammar mistakes here, I get the sense this was written at the wire. We'll see where you can take it with a little more time.

I thought I like this one. I wanted to. I like the writing and I thought it started off intriguing. However, by the time I finished on page 10, I realized I was actually confused and had no idea what was going on. I think you got something here that could be a good feature, but as it is right now, I think you try to cram too much into the 1st 10 pages. We start out with a farmhouse in the beginning then move on to the séance then on to the church with Aiden and Chiron and then back to Abby who apparently has a kid. Put all that together in 10 pages and it's not clear what was going on. Since this is just the beginning of a longer story, I am sure that you know how it will all play out and that it makes sense to you, but for me the reader I am lost at this point.

Page 1. Interesting, I've never heard a two-story house being called a double story house before.

Slight confusion here, you say 3 men stomp into the room, but only 2 are mentioned. Who is the third one and what is he doing?

Page 2. Small typo. "Breath"...

Page 7. Typo. Altar - alter…

Hard to say why exactly, but this didn't do anything for me.  I really don't know what's supposed to be going on and/or why we'd care.

The writing is so full of grammar issues and mistakes - maybe had something to do with my overall feelings.

As someone else said, there's too much going on here that doesn't seem to be related.  It just doesn't feel like a real opening to a feature and I don't buy much of what I read.
Definitely not the worst, but needs quite a bit of thought and attention.

Good effort.

Really expected this to bomb after reading the log-line, but it took me in right away.

Nice move from tranquil to chaotic early on.

I'd have liked to have seen 'The door BURSTS..' on a separate line.

# goes limp for a beat...
Springs awake
-- confused a bit, maybe -

# goes limp for a beat...
...springs awake

- but this is a nice scene to come into - conflict and intrigue.

Comma use, now and again.

Apart from that, this was really good - lots of angles going on, lots of suggested story-lines. Writing was tight and to the point - dialogue was nice and punchy and adapted well to its context.

Strong entry. Good stuff.

First off, I think the dialogue flows nicely. I can see where things are going with it but I agree with the others about understanding it.  

SPOILERS

*On page 2 - when you said that Abby opens her eyes, I thought she was laying down until I read furthur on.  The scene would flow better if you described the room and that Abby was sitting at a table.
Plus I don't understand why Chloe and Billy are initially of screen when they are sitting directly beside Abby - visually I don't think that works.
*At the church when Aiden starts talking to Chiron - I was thinking 'Who's Chiron?'. It would possibly work better if you introduced and said where he was in the church first. He can still remain off screen to start.

With a good re-read you should be able to fix all of the typo's - there are a few.

I skimmed the rest, have to go, sorry, but all in all I think it has loads of potential.  :)

You have me intrigued. I'd love to read more.

Hi:) A relatively easy read, so props for that. The downer for me, though, was that I really didn't get what was going on. I imagine you were going for the less is more approach as far as the exposition, but it doesn't quite work here. That said, I do exactly the same thing, so no stress:)

Good luck with the rewrite!

Maybe it`s the late night, but it wasn`t really happening for me, the descriptions and dialogue were pretty tight for an OWC.

The logline was longwinded, could be re-worded IMO.
A few grammar mistakes here and there.

sorry not my favorite


Mark

I like where this may be going (depends, of course, what happens after page 10.)  I might have been inclined to find this boring - until the twist where is became obvious that Abby's in it for the con (or so she thinks.)  You've got alot of threads started here, a lot of different story lines - and they could be a very interesting mix if you continue with it.  Kudos - keep this one going....

A nice read, liked the opening page at the farm house. The writing was okay, could be better but very tight none the less. A few typo’s and missing words hanging around, easy fixes and I’ll be honest and say most have had a typo or two, seems a lot of people rushed to get these out last minute to me?

I feel you’ve maybe tried to throw too much into these 10 pages and left it a bit unexplained but it certainly has potential and I liked that the protag is clear from the get go.

Didn’t see anything of the mother, daughter relationship stated in the logline but it’s only a small part of a bigger project, room for manoeuvre for sure.

Not the best but also not the worst I’ve read, with a bit of polishing and a rewrite there could be something here.

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

Not bad.  Not an amazing hook, but it had its moments.  

I absolutely couldn't stand the constant misuse of "its" and "it's".  Every time I read over the error it was like going over a speed bump.  Proofread.  

So they got a little scam going here, eh?  Okay, good interpretation of the theme.  Could be an interesting twist in there later on.  

Not bad for what it was.  Fix the punctuation errors and I'd be interested in continuing on.

Nice job.

Greg

Good on you for weighing in on the OWC.

P. 1
Phrases like, “cute as a button” feel hackneyed to me.

P. 1
Word repetition... “window” used twice in same sentence.

P. 2
What’s a witch ball?

P. 3
Ghost writing sequence didn’t grab me...
Unsure why the assistant isn’t reading aloud while she scribbles.
That would make this scene feel much less expository...
While adding tension to the mix.
A movie called, “The Changeling” (1980) illustrates this well.

P. 7
Kip and Abby’s dialogue feels too small talkish for me...
Wish the space was more dedicated to character than plot.

Finished.
I felt this one needed more visceral action than banter.
I think it missed the mark with playing up the creep factor.
I wish the banter gave us more character insight than be all plot.

Regards,
E.D.

The nugget inside of this was when Abby's doing her fake thing, but something "else" is happening, something "real" is happening to her. I'd like to see you play up that scene.

You probably should know that I had some trouble with the read and am going back over it to see why. I realize now what you were going for on that first page with that action vibe to start, but it's confusing on the page for me because I'm coming in empty and it's still just names and MEN and explosions and fire and I don't know what it's about.

Page 2 doesn't help me either because when Abby asks, "What's happening?" Aiden answers "Don't look child." And for me I'm waiting for some kind of clue then, but it didn't come. After that...

I'm now needing to get a handle on Chloe and Billy; so you can see it's hard for me since I still haven't got a handle on our protag yet. Even though Abby is the protag, and even though she's introd by name, she still feels just like some nameless little girl inside of calamity. It doesn't help that she was introd using "cute as a button" I don't think, but that aside, I think the problem for me was dealing with the names coming fast and furious in this script and not quite having a grasp of things.

Note that on the first page:

>The door BURSTS open with force.

You don't need the with force part.

Page 2 starts with the apartment Billy, Abby, Cloe, Kip scene and in my opinion it's far too long without some kind of breaks and diversions.

Page 7 you have "alter" for "altar".

Maddy and Abby are far too similar and drive readers batty. I'm ducking now.  ;D

But all and all I think this is good work for and OWC.

Sandra

Love the title, it's got a great feel to it.

Some of the dialogue on page 6 is painfully on the nose for me :-/. "They're becoming more frequent, vivid." Dunno why Kip would just assume something like that.

The writing was good for the most part but the last 2 pages looked very rushed to me.

It looked as if you were building up to something but in the end, I felt nothing really happened. I liked the transition from the first scene to the next, had a Mystic River feel to it.

I think the problem here was that you didn't have enough space to put all the information into 10 pages. It comes off a little dull. All I'm left asking with is "Why?" A lot is happening here but it doesn't seem important. Maybe if I read a little more I would know?

Your writing painted a clear picture in my head, especially for your scenes.

An enjoyable read though. A few more pages would've told us a little more about what's going on but who am I to decide that. ;D

Good job.

I think this is a good start, but it needs a little work yet to make it tighter, clearer.

I also think why it is confusing is because of the many characters introduced in the  few pages. I dunno, maybe I should read it again to be sure.

The dialogue could use a bit of a polish. I felt it dragged the story down. Maybe throw some more shocks in there. Maybe when Abby is talking to Kip after the reading, when he wants to know if she is "seeing" things, I wouldn't have him ask her and her answer him. I would have her do something so he would know. Maybe have her say something to him, then his phone would ring and the person on the other end would say the exact same thing that she just said to him. Leave him stumped as she walks away.

I think that would have a bigger impact than just asking and telling.

BUT I do like where I see the story is going and I think you could make this into something pretty neat.

When I say congrats on the OWC I mean it. So, congrats.

I hope you continue with this and write a feature.

Cindy

Hi

i'm not gonna be able to be as helpful as the others being a newbi, this is the first of the Feb OWC i've looked at and I've not read many features on top of that.  However the one thing I can say is that I would happily read on and you've definitely caught my attention.  

I'm not massive about monsters and whatnot (which makes this OWC not really my cup of tea), but I would like to see how the mother daughter relationship plays out.  The dialog felt pretty natural to me, though I found Kips comments on Abby's visions a bit expository.  

I'm a little hazy on what kind of genre this is, whether this will be more of a drama (I keep thinking of "ghost" because of the fake mystic thing) or more towards action (it does seem to me like it is heading this way).  Lastly I'm not sure I like Abby at the moment, her ripping off people,  I'm hoping she has some more likeable elements to her.  

Will definitely like to check out the finished product.

Leon

Asn mentioned, a number of grammar and spelling errors, most of which are overlooked from good old spellcheck because the words are spelled right but used ibn the wrong context. Happens to everyone. The Its and it's business I always feel is overrated in terms of screenwriting, yes, it's incorrect, but it's not enough to burn me up. There are worse things people havve been known to do in writing. That said, if you decide to continue...fix it.

Fact, what burned me up was "to be continued" part at the end.
I found the writing to be good, nothing that knocked me out.
Logline is poor. But...for a OWC it's suffice.

Not bad, I'm no grammar cop so that looks ok IMO.

Story could have been a little more "together" though. The premise is sound, with some work coud be a feature n doubt.

This has potential, keep at it.

Good jo

HGW

Sorry but I'm using my bro's lap top. half the keys dont seem to work and it does other strange stuff too :)

Very good start.  Clean, clear writing.  I understand what's going on.  Well done on Abbey's background, past and present.  Nifty idea of having her fake the witch thing with her real powers coming to her in spurts.  Unless she does know, but plays the charlatan for money?  I don't which, but I like the clean, crisp start.

I'm not going to go into individual comments but I do want to thank everyone for their feedback and comments. I can only apologise for the many grammar errors on display, it was a rushed entry but that it no excuse.

It's been a great learning experience and I want you to know that all comments have been duly noted and will help with my future work.

Appreciate you all slugging through and giving this a go, Thanks.

Looking forward to the next OWC where I hope to improve. :)

Steve