How to Make Me Disappear by 0 - Short - After his best friend is bullied into committing suicide in a school bathroom, a young loner goes to great lengths to make himself disappear. - pdf, format 8)

It’s a good effort but needs a lot of work IMO. There are a few problems with the writing, it needs to be tighter for a smoother, easier read.

I was going say something about having no “fade in” but thought I’d leave it but then we have a fade to black so technically and please someone chime in and correct me here but the rest would be a black screen right? Without a fade in I mean? I’m thinking too much about this and it’s late.

The dialogue could also do with some work, it read awkward and while I’m on the subject, who is Bobby? He had one line of dialogue but never had an intro or was seen again? Maybe I missed it?

Good to see you’ve attempted an opening to a feature instead of a short but have to be honest and say I wasn’t sure what was happening? I didn’t understand enough about the characters or like the story enough to continue sorry to say.

I also have to say this ended in the most random spot, like literally at the start of a scene?

Congrats on completing the OWC. :)

Steve

Title - like this. quite personal, touch of desperate, emotive, plus a sense of journey.

Logline - pretty good. do we need to know more?? maybe says enough.

SPOILERS

First off another Salem story. I'm not saying that is wrong but i wonder if it helps. Could just get thrown on the heap of others. Why not set it elsewhere?

Story - in essence a drama, so far, based around one family suffering the grief of a suicide and the best friend left to go through the same bullying with a family that doesn't get it. Kinda reminded me of Ordinary people in some way. A few writing issues, as is normal, but well paced and quite tidy.

The suggestion it that the young kid begins to resort to desperate methods to solve his problems and this is the inciting incident to follow.

Perhaps one of the downsides to this is, and i'm sorry to say this, the topic doesn't interest me. Seems quite painful and can only get worse, is how i read this, maybe unfairly. A good topic to consider and i'm not sure how you would spice this up, but as it stands i don't have a desire for the following pages, perhaps becausee i feel i won't be entertained. Just saying.

all the best

Page 1. I don't mind asides every now and then but sometimes they just read oddly and then they stick out. A bike rack lies on its side as he strides by it. He knows exactly where he's going. Yeah, that reads odd.

It might be a good idea to choose different names for some of the characters. Robert, Ryan, Bobby they all are very similar.

Page 2. In my opinion, older kid one's dialogue reads awkward. I guess I just read it wrong. It should be if instead of is.

I am currently on page 6 and my thoughts at this time is that I like it. I like the writing, I like the story, I like the dialogue. So far I have not seen anything that has anything to do with witches, but that could change of course. Just wanted to let you know what my thoughts were at this point.

I assume this is the 1st 10 pages of the feature. If I was reading the feature, I would definitely read on after these 10 pages. However, other than this being set in Salem Massachusetts, I did not see anything that had anything to do with witches.

You set the tone for drama and if that was your aim, good work.

Pia  :)

This could go interesting places.  Solid writing, a current subject "torn from the headlines", as it were.  A few very minor typos, easily fixable.

Certainly enough "meat" in this story to do a full length, if the writer is so inclined.  And it could work well as a feature, as long as the characters aren't written in a cliche manner (they aren't in the first ten pages, but it would be easy to slide into cliche, given this topic.)

Kudos.  Would be interesting to see where it goes.

There are a couple of typos that I noticed:

Page 1: it should say "as soon as he sees..." instead of "as soon as he see..."
Page 2: "if" instead of "is"

On page 4, I think Phillips' 2 last lines should be Robert as Phillips has left the room.

Strong opening although I had to read it a few times.

The writing needs to be cleaned up a little bit, nothing a little edit can't fix though.

This was pretty powerful for 10 pages, it really was. The confrontation with Mitch and the older kids just blew me away. Some good stuff here.

My favourite script so far, great job.

i breezed through this one pretty quick. i was through 7 pages and it felt like i had just started. i'm really enjoying this. Love the Mitch character and cant wait to see how the "witch" angle plays out in this one.

strong stuff here.
chris

The logline:

After his best friend is bullied into committing suicide in a school bathroom, a young loner goes to great lengths to make himself disappear.

I thought was really good, but nowhere in the script do we see the school bathroom or the suicide. To me, that would be the place to start.

For me there was confusion between the use of Robert and Bobby because Bob can be short for Robert.

Before I get to how I feel overall about this one I'm going to mention that there was wasted space . For example on page one:

>straight to the ground

felt unessecary although if you wanted more impact in showing the nature of his fall, I think you should have worked harder on this, even showing his POV. If a person is right down there with him, it's going to be far more intense.

>back pack twice his size

is completely off

Dorren the dispatcher was not shown in the beginning or even introduced.

The story did not do it for me not because it's bad, but just because it's the same ole thing. Kid gets bullied. Now though, having said that:

It is an opportunity to look at this story in the light and spirit of this challenge. And that was to have the theme: Real Witches in the twenty-first century.
Unfortunately, that did not seem to be accomplished here. Rather, it kind of felt more like one of those crime detective type shows. What I'm trying to say is that I didn't feel any mood was invoked here.

Like I said, I would have liked to see the bathroom suicide scene played out first where Mitch is now dead. Poor Mitch, but where his new fate is to stop this from happening in the future by entering into a partnership with a witch. Also, if you showed his family's indifference at the start, (where they're not sensitive to Mitche's private problems) their own difficulties working through his death would make a good secondary plot line since they would be battling feelings of neglect.

Sandra

My last OWC read - should I provide more detailed feedback, like I usually do for the last one?  Nah...better not...don't want to get myself in trouble.

Well, I think there are some positives on display here, but there are also alot of negatives, which are more prominent.

Could be a compelling story, but it's a dark, unattractive subject matter that's told rather oddly out of the gate - which is a problem, IMO.

Dialogue seem pretty genuine and that's a real compliment as most dialogue is so piss poor.

Writing has some positives and negatives, and is loaded with mistakes.  The odd asides are quite irritating and so unnecessary.  Biggest issue for me is that the writing just comes off as rather dull and boring, and it's more than just what's being written about - it's the way it's being written.

For a script about witches or witchcraft, other than seeing a Salem Witch Museum, there is literally nothing involving witches in the first 10 pages, and that's definitely an issue. IMO, if you're going to pursue this as a feature, you need to rethink the structure here and make it clear who's who and what's this going to be about.  I don't think your logline is really what this story is about, and again, that's an issue that's impossible to overcome.

Overall, it's not half bad and it is 1 of not so many that appears to have feature legs somewhere inside it.

Good effort.

It was an ok script for me, a very dark issue and how it plays out with witches, I don`t know... There wasn`t a mention of a single, witch, warlock, wicca pagan or whatever besides a museum, if it`s gonna happen in the feature that`s one thing, but the reader dosen`t know that.

The dialogue was ok, grammar ok, a few mistakes.

A difficult subject, which so far does not seem to fit the genre required.

Good job on entering an OWC.

Mark

With suicide very near and dear to my heart, I was glad to see someone take it on.

First thing to catch my eye was how you took the time to name everyone in your first scene and then fall back on KID (1), KID (2) by page 1.

I loved the slow humiliation and the way you grinded on Mitch. I just wish you would have given the bully some dimension. It really would have impacted this scene.

The dialog is IMO was Okay but NO WITCHES!  

No mention what so ever other than the locations I believe. Hell you could’ve have Bewitched playing on a T.V in the background and it at least help to qualify the script.

But as it stands, I feel like you had a script already in the works, saw an opportunity and changed a couple of locations to fit the criteria.

Shawn…..><

I think the opening might have worked better if you began on the discovery of Robert's son at the high school.  Nothing too gruesome or graphic, but if in the next scene we see Robert stalking through the park looking for the kids who drove his son to kill himself, it would have been more powerful.

I know it's early in this script, but I had no clue at all how Robert knew that Ryan was somehow responsible.

You really need to name the OLDER KID, because it appears he's going to have a fairly significant role in this story.  

Good dialogue in the scene where Mitch gets bullied.

Didn't understand this exchange:

  MICHAEL
Does your wife know?

PHILLIPS
I called you, didn't I?

MICHAEL
You did.

PHILLIPS
One phone call.

Seems like the newscaster would have mentioned that Sam's death was a suicide or probable suicide, rather than just say his body was found.   Then it seemed odd that she would mention how four other kids have gone missing from Salem High, as one story doesn't seem to have anything to do with the other.

Overall, I liked this, although there was nada witchcraft.  I think you need to find a way to weave the witchcraft into these opening pages somehow.

Time out -

Mitch is moody and his parents ask him why he destroys his clothes every day?  And they don't get the hint?  Seriously?  Sorry, can't buy that at all.

This is one of those unfinished features that's harder to review since there's nothing about witchcraft in here but I see that'll play a part eventually.  But as it stands the opening didn't really hook me because the sequences felt more incomplete than having a direction.

A good effort, though.

Greg

Kudos for putting one in the proverbial hat for the OWC.

P. 1
Typo.
A group of TEENAGE BOYS goofs around

P. 2
Older Kid 1 & 2 need names.
If you’re giving characters several lines of dialogue, name them.

P. 2
Typo.
Hey kid, is it true that is I flip you on your back

P. 5
I think ending the dialogue with “you owe me” works better.
Tightens it up and establishes a hint of mystery.

P. 6
Typo.
... fixated on a small TV screen as the local news are on.

P. 8
The “I’m home/How was your day” stuff feels stuffy on the page.
A less Leave It to Beaver approach should give it some life.
I don’t know any couples that talk like that.

P. 9
Michael and Alice’s dialogue rings super false to me.
It has a plastic nonsensical quality to it.
As if they’re aliens that learned how to act human from TV.

Finished. The scene with Michael’s family derailed the narrative.
I like parts of the mystery you’ve established though.

Regards,
E.D.

As per, I've not yet read the other feedback - so 'pologies for repeating.

No fade in from the fade to black - but a nice bit of impact from the opening scene - got me interested.

Some minor grammar issues.

Okay - I quite liked the story - but I do think the witch connection is tenuous at best.

It was slow in developing, but there are some interesting lines - I'm not too sure this could be extended to a feature - might need to give it a little something else.

Nicely woven in backstory - all easy to read. Generally I like your style of writing - it moved on well, and was easy on the eye - quite a few characters, but probably just about got away with this.

So warm, rather than hot, but well accomplished.

Nice work.

Interesting story, topical as well, thats a good thing IMO.

A few typos, few and nothing major at all.

I suppose the writting is good.

Will need a stronger connection to a whitch in some form eventually as I didnt reallly see one so far.

This was a good read. Some minor spelling, format, structure issues - but nothing that can't be fixed with a rewrite.

Noticed there was no mention of witches or anything yet.

Two things that stood out for me:

1. Mitch's parents would know he's been bullied, I think - especially if they say it happens on a daily basis. Also - when kids are being bullied, sometimes they will try and hide the fact that it happens (ie, Mitch would remove the sweater at the earliest possible opportunity). Granted - I have not been affected first hand by bullying, I'm just going by articles I have read in the past, etc.

2. If there have been 4 kids missing in recent times - One would think this is a major news story. So much so, that a man who beats up a kid would definitely garner more attention.

Apart from that - it's a good start that needs some minor tweaks. It's a dark subject that will need to be handled well and I wonder where the witch angle will come in.

Congrats.

I like the basic idea of this one. I do think, though, that you've tried to fit a bit too much into the first ten, and it could be a little less cryptic IMHO. I agree re the character names - I had to stop a few times and backtrack to remember who was who. I liked your descriptions, btw, very visual:)

Good job.

I thought that the short character descriptions were pretty illustrative of who the characters are, and at the same time they were quite organic. I think there was a mistake on page 4 - detective Philips leaves the room, yet right after that Michael is talking to Philips, not Robert.

The problem I had with the script was Michael. Maybe it's just me, but Michael is too stereotypical of a father in a sense that he doesn't understand what's going on with his son. He doesn't notice that his son is, I don't know, a nerd? And he assumes that his son has "destroyed" the sweater playing with his little friends? He looks pretty much like an idiot father, which, of course, is not impossible. But this conflicts with the way you presented him earlier: gold watch, leather briefcase. He's a serious man. Maybe he's a bad father who doesn't spend a lot of time with his son, but I can't believe that he doesn't understand this kind of thing.

The writing was clear, almost unnoticeable - the story just happened in my head. The whole thing was very easy to read. I thought that the ending looks promising, with an understanding where this might be headed. Nice job!

Not much of a modern day witch script, but I'm glad you wrote it.

I've known people who have lost their kids to suicide because of the bullying going on at school. Teachers and cops don't do a damned thing, but try to tuck it under the rug.

It may sound mean, but if you write the feature, I'd like to see the bullies get more than just beat up. Pump up the violence. Turn the tables on them.

You may want a more powerful beginning. Maybe open on Mitch breaking down as his friend is being carried out of the bathroom by EMS.

Kudos for writing a script like this. Hold the bullies accountable for their actions.

Cindy

This definitely had the feel of being able to go on.  I would consider giving names to the characters, and perhaps not using Bobby and Robert, unless it's a junior, and maybe avoid that, unless it's a biography and that is their real names.  Boby and Robert could get a little confusing.

No sign of witch-like activity, but I have feeling that young Mitch will be a warlock?

Nice clean, fairly easy to understand what was going on.

Ok... I wrote this. Thanks for everyone who read it and reviewed it. I had a big week so let me know if I missed yours and I will definitely get back at you with some notes.