Loot Street by Gil Monteiro (vinny) - Short - A Man reading a handbook, stands on the wrong place at the wrong time. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

Vinny, I wish I had better news here, but this didn't work for me in any way, or on any level.

Starting with your logline, I already knew what I was going to find, and as usual, I was right.

Your script is just littered with extremely awkward phrasing, to downright incorrect phrasing.  Look at your logline - "stands on the wrong place" - does this sound right?  No, it doesn't, and it isn't.

Many other technical hiccups as well in your writing, and at only 2 pages in length, these mistakes just aren't acceptable, IMO.  Lots of passive writing, repetition, unnecessary words (description), awkward, odd phrasings, orphans, punctuation issues, etc.

But you know what?  The majority of these things are no big deal to most writers and readers.  It's the story and characters that matter most.  And here, my friend, is where you've failed the most.  There's literally no story here.  There isn't a single character that is remotely likable or show any life.

As I was reading, I expected some big twist and payoff, but not only didn't it come, but even worse, your secondary character, "man in black" has absolutely nothing to do with this "story", other than serving as possibly some misdirection.  But at only 2 pages, I don't think misdirection is really even possible.

So, listen, if this is simply an exercise, fine, but understand that as an exercise, it fails as well.  You shouldn't have the number of mistakes on display here in a 12 page short, let alone a 2 pager.  You really need to read over your writing and see if it sounds right to you.  I don't know where you live, and possibly there are some regional issues going on that I'm not familiar with, but for me, there are obvious, glaring mistakes in almost every line.

Sorry for being blunt, but IMO, honesty helps most.  I do hope this helps you going forward.    

Hey dreamscale, thanks for your honest opinion. really appreciate it.

Okay where to start...well first i am aware that this is quite weak and was more intented as an exercise. I haven't been writting in the last year or so, and this being my first came back is seriously lacking in alot of aspects.

One day as i was browsing throught SS and inspired by the music i was listening at a time decided to give a quick go to some writting, opened celtx and in less then 5 minutes come up with this. It really was just a simple idea/vision i had at the time and wanted to put it on "paper". Truth be told i put very few effort into it.

The main problem is indeed my struggle with the english language, not being my native one and all. And that is a hardship i'll have to overcome if i ever want to express whats on my mind into proper screenplays.

With that being said, hopefully this won't be the last you'll hear from me, or read my work. I definitely look forward for writting my next short and manage to a accomplish a much better piece.

Where do you live, Vinny?  Maybe some peeps from wherever it is an chime in, as maybe what's awkward to me is based on a dialect thing?  I don't know...

I'm from portugal. I really need to start reading more scripts again, and get in touch with more english writting.