How to Toss a Salad: The McBurger Hut Way by Devin Rush - Short, Comedy - McBurger Hut salad tossing instructional video.  3 pages - pdf, format 8)

I see what you're going for here but it IMO misses the mark a bit.

I get the homo-manager angle but it could have been played up better. He comes across more of old mean pedophile rather than an ambiguously gay man.

The setup with the instructional video is good but then lost that vibe one the back and forth started.

Then the end...
All the sudden Greg walks in and a man sets on the other side of the counter with a camera.

Rick's pants are down...

It sounds like you had to finish in a hurry to go do something else.

All in all, the story has some promise but there was no real payoff and the way it stands, it seems more mean spirited than funny.

But who am I? Opinions on this will vary widely. That's the beauty of comedy.

Shawn.....><

Yeah - I have to agree - it didn't totally do it for me - I don't think with 'true' comedy you can rely on only the punch line - the rest of it has to have something too.

Think there’s something to be said for a comedy based on a ‘corporate instructional video’.  Maybe if Terry was a more willing participant in ‘tossing the salad’ it could develop some laughs, as it is, it kind of ends on a dark note.

Steve    

;D ;D Hahahhaha, hey, for what it was, I enjoyed this. The writing wasn't bad and the story made me laugh. Good job. :)

(bites his lip) Hahhahaha. ;D ;D

Hey Devin,

Comedy is subjective like they say and I’m afraid to say this one didn’t quite do it for me, It’s not all bad and the instructional video idea is a nice angle which has comedy written all over it.

I like the idea but not the execution, I think you should definitely develop this though and give it a new spin, and you could have a real good comedy on your hands if you choose the right subject.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

Whoa; this really is a display of dark humour.   Not quite my cup of tea, but borders on being almost Kevin Smith/Clerks-like (the dark toilet "rape" thing); or even the "squeal..." scene from Deliverance.  It feels to me like a story written to the punchline (that isn't either a criticism or a compliment). I really like the concept of the camera POV, and dropping it when the Manager walks in - I think that works well for this script.

Because you've introduced McBurger Hut in the first Slug; I sure you could cover all the other slugs with mini slugs.

Technically it reads well and the format looks correct.  Though I'm not entirely certain about your "FADE IN / FADE OUT" - but that is finicky.  

I think it could use just a little more injection of humour; as it feels a little too dark just now... maybe a little more toying (by Rick) with the tomato before taking a bite, for example

slugs are debatable. not sure "after hours" is appropriate. but whatever, we get the idea.

first paragraph can be shortened. "this goes on for a moment" isn't needed.

Rick stands over TERRY, a boyishly handsome twenty-year-old,
at the prep table.
^does it matter that he's boyishly handsome? probably not. ditch it.

The table stands as high as Terry’s stomach, and on it, sits
a clear plastic bowl, a head of lettuce, a bag of cherry
tomatoes, an onion, a carrot, a grater and a knife.
^once again, too much info

phrases like "and as a result" are a waste of space. going to stop repeating myself now.

"then picks one out by hand and holds it to Terry’s
mouth until he finally takes a bite."
^Terry shouldnt take a bite

Rick wipes Terry’s tears with his hand, then licks it. Terry
sobs harder. He’s cutting too slow.
^things just got weird

RICK
...then we add our special
ingredient... love.
^no need for elipses, but i like this bit

the ending kind of deflates the build up. furthermore the last line is the title so it lacks a punch.

this one was okay for me. has potential but needs revising. would have Rick go from position to position within the restaurant rather that focusing on one employee. furthermore, start off subtle and end with a bang.

disturbing.

It seems like you guys started with the punchline and worked backward to develop the story. Not necessarily bad but I'm not a fan of the whole thing building up to one punchline.

The part I really couldn't understand was why Terry was there in the first place. If he didn't know what was going on, wouldn't he have just stopped immediately or at least have some caution about why he was picked to do this? I get that he's young and naive but it just seems implausible. So then we assume that he knew he was going to be demonstrating in an instructionable video even though he was woefully unprepared. Wouldn't he just refuse to do it from the beginning? Or perhaps put up a bigger fight when the guy started acting erotic?

And the ending: I won't go into detail but in order to toss one's salad, it's not necessary to take your own pants off if you're the one doing the tossing. So why did the rapist/pervert guy have his pants off?

I guess we have the same taste in humor.  The "licking tears off of his hands" thing nearly killed me.

Anyone else notice that the writer hasn't bothered chimming in?

Shawn.....><

Yeah - straight after you mentioned it.