Getting Home by Gage (asteroidjuice) - Short, Horror - Michael needs to get his family home.  The road ahead forks; one path will lead him to safety, the other will drive him deeper into the woods in which he is trapped. 15 pages - pdf, format 8)

I don't see enough slugs. I'm not a fan of dictating the camera angles either unless you're planning on being the director of this too. The page breaks are off and the dialogue falls flat. The tense you use seems to switch back and forth. Also, your use of the word "juxtaposed" doesn't work in the context.

I don't get the story here. It seems like you were so anxious to put a twist in at the end that it didn't make sense with the story. Also, what's the significance of the colors?

I think I see where you were trying to go with it but the execution just wasn't there for me.

I didn't really understand the colors either...
Police lights?

Okay - this was kind of interesting - it did have me scratching my head somewhat though.

I got the feeling the first few pages could have been cut back a little bit - there wasn't enough tension there.

Not too sure about the colors either - red and blue? One for safety, one for danger? The duct and the syringe ... I'm sure I'm missing something. Hope you pop up on the boards and 'shine some light' on this (geddit??).

Hey guys, thanks for the responses.

This is the first script I've ever written.  I am, in fact, going to turn this into a film and direct it myself, so that's why there's not much breathing room for camera angles, etc.

Anyways, the whole thing is a bit abstract.  The film is going to be a very visual experience, so it will make much more sense on screen.

As I interpret it, the story revolves around Michael, who is some sort of rapist/killer.  He experiences extreme regret every time he succumbs to his urges, and on this particular night, he faces a decision: to keep committing these crimes or to turn himself in.

He makes Angela up in his mind to be a sort of support and a source of motivation.  However, all of his attention is focused on "getting Damien home" (whether that home be his actual home or the afterlife).

The colors red and blue represent the two choices he can make: blue for murder and red for a sort of justice.  These two colors also symbolize police lights (good catch, Steex).

The headlights staying on are basically setting an arena for Michael's decision.  The baby doll represents Damien, and the duct tape and syringe puncture are both foreshadowing.

The second figure with the flashlight is representative of the "justice" choice Michael can make.  It does not fight back when Michael tackles it, which symbolizes Michael "giving in" to the authorities.

Later, Michael discovers the abduction tools in his trunk.  He finds out that Angela no longer exists and he abducted Damien.  "I don't know where home is anymore," he says, unsure of which decision to make.

The film ends ambiguously, before he makes his choice.

Overall, the script is the second draft of my first script, so it's especially rough.  But I need to start somewhere!

Thanks for the help guys and I hope I could clear some things up.

I didn't get the point behind the story, niether the purpose of the colors. They way you tell the action is quite confusing. You say that Michael is a rapist? I didn't see it when finished the reading. Niether why is Angela missing at the end. What I can suggest is that you analize the concept you want to show and structure it in way that the reader doesn't get lost. And you have to take more time developing your character. I didn't know he was a killer until you tell it in this post. It is quite a good concept as you describe it. But as you wrote it is confusing.

I really like the concept of Michael as a character that doesn't want to be who he is. I made something similar whith my script, Insanity. It is about two men that are very sick in their minds. They know they will never change what they are, so they choose to take another way out. Their own death. Check it out if you want.

That's what I wanted, to be honest.  I want the film to make people think afterwards, and interpret it on their own terms.  I wanted it to be a bit confusing, because the whole situation Michael is in is confusing.

I'll be sure to check out your script! :)

All right, now that you explained it some, I can see this in a different light.
It's still a little confusing.
I would work on making it a bit more explanatory without actually give it all away.
There's a thin line between people discussing a movie and giving their interpretations and
discussing a movie because nobody understood what was going on.

Hopefully you can fix it up some, so that it is clear.
Good job, though!

Yeah, you're correct.  My third draft will hopefully clear some things up.  Thanks!

As I go:

Page 2:  "Do you have any idea...and the road forks here."  These lines are extremely on the nose and just sorta redundant.  Michael's line "I can't believe this, I know these woods like..." combined with the image of the fork in the road tells us everything.  
This whole page is remarkably expository...it needs something to spice it up.  Specifically, I think that there needs to be a more palpable dynamic between Michael and Angela.  What can we learn about them through this exposition?  Is Michael frustrated and Angela a calm rock for him (that's it, I think, but it needs to be pushed to be more dynamic...he needs to be more frustrated, which will push her to be more calming)?  Or is Michael on edge, and Angela's inquisition making things worse?  There's nothing going on between these two and there really needs to be.  

Page 3:  The dialogue's excessive.  They should be talking about something more abstract, less related, less on-the-nose...something

Page 5:  Wayyyyyyy too much repetitive dialogue.  No conflict yet.  

Page something:  This dude shoulda appeared by page 3.  And we should have page numbers!  :)  Makes notes easier.

Why the heck is Michael chasing this dude?  He's supposed to be protecting his family and he leaves them alone in the car?  Does he think it's Damien?  His motivation needs to be made clear here.

I'm assuming the dude is gonna be a double of him.

And then he starts stabbing him?  Why?  If the dude's taken his family, he might wanna question him first, no?  Again, motivation.  At this point he's trying to get his family back.  Stabbing the dude ain't gonna get that done at all.  Hard to identify with a character if we don't buy his choices.

Thoughts:

Too ambiguous.  The whole thing's a bit metaphysical, which is fine, but we have to believe in the logic of that metaphysical universe.  We're given a motivation right away, which is good -- get home -- but the motivation driving the story sorta turns out to be "protect the family," which he fails at.

Ambiguity is fine, but we'll always be unsatisfied if we aren't given a conflict that we see resolved, one way or the other.  Is the conflict that he doesn't realize that he's a crazy killer?  That doesn't seem to be resolved.  Is it that he wants to get home?  Not resolved.  That he wants to protect his family?  Hard to resolve since one doesn't exist and one's dead.  I guess you could make the argument that the story is, he wants to protect the kid, the resolution is, he fails because he's already killed the kid.

The reason I'm trying to narrow this down is because I think what this story lacks is an evident conflict that sets off and drives the action of the story.  I don't think your above explanation explains what this might be.  You're saying that the conflict is an inner one, should he turn himself in or not?  But that conflict doesn't really drive the plot in a way that we can understand.  Even if we accept and understand all the metaphors, the plot -- the actual plot -- isn't driven by his inner conflict.

An allegory still has to work as its own story.  Animal Farm is the story of the Russian Revolution, that's all well and good, but it's also a logical, complete story about farm animals.  I think you need to find a way to make sure that your story -- which is an allegory for a man's inner conflict -- is also a logical, complete story about a guy lost in the woods with his family.  And go from there.

Also, reading the above, I'd suggest that your metaphors might be a little on the obtuse side.  I think this stems from an approach that's too concerned with metaphor/symbolism, and not enough concerned with the story on the page.

Best of luck with rewrites and filming!  That's exciting.  Lemme know if I can clarify anything I've said above, I know it's a bit scattered.  

Ooh and axe those first six pages, nothing happens in 'em.  

Wow, excellent post Heretic.  Thanks for the feedback.

Hey Gage,

Okay so I read this and then back through the feedback to make sure I hadn't missed something...looks like I didn't as everybody else was also confused.

It definitely is an ambiguous piece but too confusing for my liking with all the metaphors and what not, found it difficult to get into this one even after a second read.

I understand you're directing this one so that's why there is so many camera directions but unfortunately for me they harmed the read and took me away from the story which is hard enough to follow on it's own.

I would also suggests cutting this down, too much happening in those first 5 pages or so which is superfluous.

Also watch out for awkward sentences which were filtered throughout and didn't help the flow.

I wish you all the luck with this project and maybe your post the finished film here on SS? Be interesting to see how it turns out.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

Hey Steve, thanks for the feedback.
I think I'll cut down significantly on the first six or so pages (which seems to be general consensus) and improve the "true" plot and clarify some metaphors, and maybe post the next draft in a few weeks.
Then I'll be sure to upload the produced film. :D

Thanks, man.

Hey Gage

A very interesting script you have here...

Everything that I would have said has already been covered, so I'm afraid you wont be hearing anything new from me.

I particularly like that use of colors, now that you've explained it here.

I understand you are directing this yourself, however, from the perspective of someone who isn't going to be directing this, the constant "cutting" back and forth does get a little annoying.

Watch out for over-writing. Sometimes it's the smaller words that really upset the read, so just be on the lookout for those.

Just interested... What software do you write with? I wouldn't say the formatting is wrong, but the way some of the script is spaced out differently to what I am used to seeing.

Overall, I liked it and I would definitely like to see a re-write up in the near future. And please do keep us updated on the progress of filming. I, for one, am incredibly interested to see how it goes.

Daniel

Thanks for the read, Dan.

I wrote this with a template in Open Office, but since then I have downloaded Celtx and started using it.  I'm never going back, haha.

I've actually ceased this project due to lack of resources, but in the meanwhile I've completed another script called Isolde that will be on the boards soon, and that will definitely be produced before summer is out.

Thanks again!

Hey, Cage

Just in the opening scene I can already say watch out for your grammar, which can hinder the ease of reading a piece. “…Wedding ring on the fingers”

Also, show don’t tell, you direct in the narrative which can pull the reader out of the story/drama your suppose to putting them into.“… Cut to a shot…” “…We punch out wider to see”

Now, the dialogue reads well, your characters are well represented in their dialogue. Meaning they stay consistent. You offer a little drama with a mini argument. I could feel them beginning panic. You escalate the drama with suspense first they are lost, lost in woods, the car dies or does it, then the strange man, the knife all builds suspense.

I’m not sure what happening by the stories in but I like it. He appears to be in a dream state, or experiencing some deep realization about his life or actions. Just read your explanation of what’s going on. Interesting stuff. I thought that Michael had murdered both his child and his wife. And I see that you had planned to direct which they say it’s ok to put in camera shots, but I will say that you should keep that draft for yourself, and post the readers version so they can immerse in the story.


Nice read though, enjoyed it.


BLB