The First Day of the Rest of My Life by Michel J. Duthin (michel) - Short - Today is John's last day before retiring and he is going to face the irony of his dull life. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thank you Don for posting my last script. I've been away for a long time. Hope I'll be back in the saddle again soon.

Page 1-- you have "among a numerous…" should be "the", I think.
Also, in John's first line, you need a comma after "Hi".

Page 2-- you have "a tweezers".
Also, you have "an used suit".
At the bottom of page 2, you say that the pan of bacon is on his back…

Page 3-- you have "one of the SLICE of BEACON".

Page 4-- The first sentence is worded awkwardly.
I'm also not sure why you put (MRS. SANDRIDGE) in parentheses.

Page 5-- you have "over wearing make up blonde woman." That is just a very strangely worded sentence.

Page 6-- The second sentence, you're missing "of" between bag and out.
And again in the next line.

I'm not sure where you're from, but our clocks don't go to 16:30…

Page 7-- you have "she pretends to LOOKING for someone".

Page 8-- you have "His shaking hands UNFOLDS the paper."

I liked this, but it was very slow.
I understand what you were going for.
Unfortunately, it just wasn't very interesting.
Overall, it was decent.
Good job.

Hi michel,

I recognized your name. Your script "Forever... and Again" was one of the first ones I've read on this site and thought it was very good so I decided to check up on this.

After reading your logline, I only needed two pages to guess which way this is going. If you want to keep the suspense, maybe you ought to get rid of the word "irony" in the logline.

Easy quick read. Minor thing:

page 6 John is still sat at his desk.

It's an awkward sentence. "John sits by his desk" should be sufficient.

Good luck with this.

Michel,

It's good to see an old friend return. I hope all is well with you brother.

I'll give this a read after dinner and give some thoughts but I just wanted to say
welcome back.

Take care.

Shawn.....><

Steex and kingcooky555, thanks for the reading.

Steex I must admit English is not my first language, but my errors are unforgivable though the numerous rereadings.

About the pace, it means to be slow, maybe annoying to read, but I do think it wouldn't be on screen.  

kingcooky555, you're right about the logline (sigh...)

Sean, anytime....

Michel

Okay, that explains the errors.
I point out the tyos on peoples scripts not to be over-critical, only to help proofread.
I agree, I think it would look good on a screen.
There are a lot of good movies that seem slow in the script, but are great on the screen.

Keep up the good work!

Hi Michel.

I've had my eyes on this one for a while now. The title is incredibly intriguing and I don't think I could have come up with a better fitting title. It suits the whole script.

I enjoyed this read. There isn't much to the story IMO, but it was still a fairly easy read. Here are the things I picked up...

Page 2: On his back, in a pan, two slices of bacon are frying." - So the pan is on his back, frying the bacon? Interesting...  :P

"John keeps sipping his tea, when he frowns." - Very awkward sentence. I'd try: "John frowns as he sips his tea."

"Something smells bad." - Your audience wont be able to smell, so don't bother saying this.

Page 3: "... one the slice of bacon expoldes..."

I'm sure you mean "one of the slices..."

Page 6: "He wipes his mouth with style." - What exactly does that mean? Is he bopping his head while doing it? I'm not sure with the term "with style" here.

I don't usually suggest changes in the story line with scripts that I haven't written, but I do have something to suggest. Personally I think a couple a FLASHBACK sequences with his wife would be incredibly effective in this script. The point of your ending would be better identified if you had a couple flashbacks IMO.

Overall, A great read with a few minor grammatical issues.

Daniel

Hey Michel,

I have to be honest and start by saying that there are lots of grammar issues and awkward sentences but as English is your second language, I can understand that.

Not saying this is okay but understandable as if you asked me to write a script in another language, well let's just say I wouldn't get far.

So all issues aside this actually was a fast read, some really good elements.

The story is okay although predictable but it certainly has enough punch to carry itself. I do think this could be shorter and at 10 pages this felt too long for me. 

I think you did a good job of making us like the protagonist before the ending which gave it a real strong impact. If we didn't like John then it's a wasted journey but you made me care for this old man.

Although the Hawaii tickets will now go to waste now.

Good job and keep writing :)

Steve  

Hi Michel,
this was a simple, effective story, which would film quite well.  Not ground breaking or life-changing (except for John) material, but seemingly watchable.

I like that your action/descriptions read very well, giving the reader a good visual; although some of the writing could be tighter: (ie "As soon as the hand reaches th 12, a deafening ringing tears the silence." could be "The hand reaches 12. A piercing alarm breaks the silence.").

Technically, the structure is spot on; you've got a good handle on that.  An excellent example of mini-slugs in action; which I haven't really understood yet.

minor typos and suggestions:
p2
-"an used suit"; "a used suit"
-maybe describe John's clothes as "well-worn" rather than "used"

p3
-Jack's briefcase turns to a satchel (happened to my character in "Vengence[sic]" too)

p4
-"his satchel on his laps"; "lap"
-"woman";"women"
-"while John types";"while is redundant
-"the";"their"

p5
-"CALLIE, a chubby and overwearing make up..."; could be "CALLIE, chubby, overly made-up..."
-"custard creams";"custard cream"

p6
-"John is still sat at his desk";"is still sat" is redundant
-"in front of this people";"these"

p7
-"shades a tear";"sheds a tear"

p8
-"forefront is increasingly sweaty"; "forehead"

Thanks for sharing.  Though predictable, this is a good story.  You've been able to make John  quite a likable character.  The structure is competent and well-written.  Well done on being able to write in a secondary language.

Classic Michel Duthin writing here.

Great stuff as always my friend.

This will be yet another example of it not really mattering about the small errors because it will get picked up and filmed like Michel's work always does.

Good job buddy!

Shawn.....><

Thanks everyone for your patience, the reading, and the advices....

Danbotha, I personally think flashbacks would bring anything to the story. The tenderness of John looking at his late wife's picture is enough.

CoopBazinga, as I said I meant to have a slow pace. I know there's nothing great during the story, but I tried to express what was (is) John's life. Everyday routine. Making the story shorter would take all those things out.

GerryBuilt. I did my best to make John loveable. Though he's not an extraordinary character, his unpretentiousness, his kindness catches the eye. That's why I named him John Smith. I don't know why but I had a James Stewart-like character in head when I wrote it.

Shawn. Thanks for your nice comments. Hope this one will be filmed too. Everytime I write a script I still have in mind the budget. That's why I had many of my shorts filmed.

Once again, thank you....

I don't like the ending.

The beginning starts cliche, hand silencing an alarm.

The set up of the apartment being frozen in time means nothing so maybe start with John practicing his final lines and not in front of the mirror as he tends to his morning routine. That, too, is cliche.

The ending is cliche. Why did you make John die? The contrast to the note is not profound enough (for me) for the death to make many sense. Maybe if he had a bomb that he was going to set off at his final party because he hated everyone, and then he died before he could set it off, and his note pertained to that, then maybe there would be a point in him dying: ironic justice. But here I don't see the point. Maybe it's his 40 some odd years and he has never lived and he dies before he can, but I don't know that, and that, too, would be cliche.

I don't see a story in this short.

Quoted from michel Danbotha, I personally think flashbacks would bring anything to the story. The tenderness of John looking at his late wife's picture is enough.

Okay, fair enough  ;D

Still a great read, though. Can't wait to take a look at more of your writing

Daniel

Michel

It been awhile since I read something for you and I’ve always admired your simple, unfussy way of telling stories.

You created a very sweet, sympathetic character in John. The build up was slow, measured and well handled; his repeated recital of the speech over and over again, the incident with the exploding bacon and  the banter in the office highlighting the reverence his co-workers have for him made him all the more endearing. An ominous tone pervaded proceedings though and you just knew it wasn’t going to end well. This isn’t a criticism by the way, just an observation.

Although I think it is made rather too explicit in the line:

JOHN
I love you. Always did.
(a beat)
See you tonight.

-- This didn’t leave much to the imagination and from then on, the reader can assume he’ll do away with himself once he gets these retirement formalities out of the way.

However, on the flip side, you do throw a curveball by having him keel over when reading the speech he’s obviously sweated over for days. It appears tragic on the outset but the smile on his face was a well executed twist to let us know he’s probably better off this way. It tempered an otherwise bleak ending in a sweet if wistful manner.

Nice work.

Col.

Hey Michel,

Good to see some new work from you.
Always glad to lend a read to long standing contributing members.

I'm going to gloss over the grammatical stuff.
Been covered and you know what it takes to clean that up.

For some reason this all comes off very... European.
It has a feel to it found in the artful cinema of decades past.
Reminds me of Jacques Tati a tad, actually. ;D
Modernity humor always tickles me.

If I had known more about his past family, I would have found it more poignant.
It's a decent read and I like the overall feel of the characters.

Maybe if John was practicing his speech, like he's talking to someone...
But we see it's a photograph of his wife. Something like that would help.

Regards,
E.D.

Michel, glad to see you back on Simply. I hope things are going well for you.

This is lovely, yet tragic story.  I wasn't sure where it was going but in the end I really enjoyed it.  John's lonely life is too become even more so when he retires and he sees it as the beginning of the end.

I loved the subtle image of him eating his dinner with the pills nearby and the smile on his face at the end.

Nice work.

Thanks again guys for the reading and the comments.

Colkurtz, your quote about the dialog line is clever. "See you tonight" has a double meaning. But, yes, it was the first (not so subtle?) clue how the story is ending.

ED. I made John practicing his speech in front of the mirror to reinforce his loneliness. If he would have done it in front of his wife's pircture it would have been IMO a bit cliché. I'm very touched you felt a Tati's touch in it. I love Tati's work. It's funny you found the story... European. In fact an English director asked me to write something for her and that's maybe why John has a certain posh side....

Alffy. Glad hearing from you. Heard your short 15 minutes has been filmed too. Congrats. I remember it and it was a very good story.

Thanks again for your patience.

Michel

Quoted from cloroxmartini I don't like the ending. The beginning starts cliche, hand silencing an alarm. The set up of the apartment being frozen in time means nothing so maybe start with John practicing his final lines and not in front of the mirror as he tends to his morning routine. That, too, is cliche. The ending is cliche. Why did you make John die? The contrast to the note is not profound enough (for me) for the death to make many sense. Maybe if he had a bomb that he was going to set off at his final party because he hated everyone, and then he died before he could set it off, and his note pertained to that, then maybe there would be a point in him dying: ironic justice. But here I don't see the point. Maybe it's his 40 some odd years and he has never lived and he dies before he can, but I don't know that, and that, too, would be cliche. I don't see a story in this short.

cloroxmartini, sorry about the delay but I thought about your analysis of my script. "Cliché" is a recurrent word you seem to like. I agree John's life has nothing original. Why the hell would you make him a bitter man who hates everyone? Be kind would it be cliché? I couldn't build a sympathetic character who turns to be a bastard. John has a (sad) ordinary life like billions of people. The "ironic justice" is only he's reunited with his late wife. Life isn't it a cliche itself?

I'm glad to announce I signed an agreement for the shooting of my short. The filming is planned for mid-spring. I'll let you know when I know more.....

8) Michel

Quoted from michel I'm glad to announce I signed an agreement for the shooting of my short. The filming is planned for mid-spring. I'll let you know when I know more..... 8) Michel

Congratulations, Michel!
Always feels good to get that recognition.
Keep us posted! ;D

Regards,
E.D.

Well done, Michel.  Big Congrats.

Michel,
Congratulations on getting this fimed.  I read it and liked it.  It was simple.  It kind of reminded me of UP (the animated film), how much he loved his wife.  I know some people want more twists, snappy dialogue, etc., but we need more simple stories like this.  Edgy has it's place, but so does stories like this.  

Good luck with the filming, or is that Bon Chance!

Thanks JJ. I simply tried to tell a simple story, with simple poeple. That's all. People love that. I never thought of UP, wheb i wrote it but yes his love is the same. Hope the result will be worthful.

Thanks again to you, to ED and to my friend alffy