Insanity by Javier E. Otero - Short, Thriller - Two man in search for relief of their disturbed minds. They soon realize that there's just one way to get the peace that they want. 31 pages - pdf, format 8)

You get a weird thing that you have to enter stuff into in order to access it. Maybe why the error comes up.

That's what I don't understand. How it can be fix?

Maybe just upload the pdf to this site?

But that's what I did. i've already sent it in pdf format. I wrote a message to the admistrator, I'm just waiting for the reply.

Can you reach my script trough this link?

http://www.mediafire.com/?z6wkbkwc7zdj89w

Yeah - that works

Thank's. Any thoughts about this one?

Well, right off the bat there are some grammar and punctuation issues, but I'm not too picky about that.

The first dialogue is very stiff.  Why is the character speaking out loud?  Why is he reporting everything that is happening to him?  No one talks like that.

I like the beginning.  The fact that the first few shots show Joseph's eyes shown up definitely sets the tone.

The cursing is a bit much.  I'm all for some profanity, but it seems a bit excess.

I love how we find out that Joseph is suicidal because he asked "the Lord to take his life away".  Very smooth.

Lots of spelling errors on page 6.

IT is narrating.  But who is IT talking to?  Why is he saying this?  Is he breaking the fourth wall?

Derek grows up in a broken household with a malevolent force watching his every move.  Kind of ordinary for horror/drama films, but I can dig it.

Derek's childhood goes on for quite awhile.  All of this can be cut down and edited to take up less time.

He cuts the hamster.  Creepy.

So Joseph's a rapist.  I don't know what that adds to the plot thus far, but I haven't finished it yet.

I don't know why Joseph is reaching out to Derek.  This is some maniac he just met on the side of the road.

Now we're learning Joseph's backstory.  I don't know why this is important, seeing as Derek has been presented as the protagonist thus far and Joseph is dead.

We keep cutting between past and present.  The structure of the story is very weird and confusing.  Why didn't we see IT whispering in Joseph's ear when we first saw Derek jump in front of the van?

Gets really nihilistic at the end.  God is IT? How scary.

Overall, a good story, but a lot of it is unnecessary and doesn't contribute to the main plot.  Cut and chop and edit and you should have a good short film.

"Thanks for the read I appreciate your time. the reason that there are so much grammar errors is that I'm a latin and I don't know much English.  I translated it myself to English so if you can help me with that I would appreciate it."

"he is scared. he doesn't know what is happening to him,  because he is tied and his eyes are sown up"

"IT, is something that only Derek sees, that tries to influence him into make horrible things. We will never know what is, or what is like, is invisible to us"

"It was cut off. But it is necessary for the character development. The audience needs to know why he became a killer and why he doesn't feel anything while killing his victims"

"Joseph is a rapist and he doesn't feel good about it. That's why he wants to die but he is afraid to do it himself"

I don't know why Joseph is reaching out to Derek.  This is some maniac he just met on the side of the road - "That is an irony. In other words the only one that can understand him is another insane person. So I like the fact that Derek takes his life."

Now we're learning Joseph's backstory.  I don't know why this is important, seeing as Derek has been presented as the protagonist thus far and Joseph is dead. - "Both are the protagonist of the story. two stories that connects to other.'

We keep cutting between past and present.  The structure of the story is very weird and confusing.  Why didn't we see IT whispering in Joseph's ear when we first saw Derek jump in front of the van? - "IT, is just a force that influences them. we don't need to see it."

Gets really nihilistic at the end.  God is IT? How scary.- "IT, is not God. It opposes all that God is. IT think he won but Derek actions goes over him cause he refuse to do, It's will."

Overall, a good story, but a lot of it is unnecessary and doesn't contribute to the main plot.  Cut and chop and edit and you should have a good short film - "it was already cut off. This is the third draft of the script. It was 35 pages long. Thanks again for the feed"

Okay.

I'm pretty sure I know what you are doing here, and I think visually, you're probably conjouring a powerful image in your head - but it's really not being communicated well into my head.

Honestly - I think it's probably got potential, but I can see people just chucking this away - it's worth working, but here's why it gives me a headache - but this is just IMO - so see what other people say on it.

## Darkness.
-- cool. Nice beginning. Bold.

## And the sound of the raining falling outside an unknown
place.
-- Okay. Line two and there's issues.
- Using the word 'sound' is not great in a script.
- All you had to say here was 'Rain falls'/'It's raining'/etc or some variation.
- 'raining falling is not grammatically correct.
- 'outside an unknown place' - this is in darkness. It could be outside the Empire State Building and we wouldn't know.

## Thunders rumbling lightly and the howling of the wind forcing through the windows.
-- this isn't a nice sentence. I'm not totally sure how thunder rumbles lightly. Why not:

Distant sound of THUNDER.

Wind rattles a WINDOW PANE.

Same sound, just a little cleaner?

## Meanwhile... someone’s breathing, while waking up from an
unconscious state.
- 'Meanwhile' is clutter.
- 'waking up from ... ' lets go back to the 'darkness' here...

## The person coughs and groans in pain. He coughs louder.
-- This all sounds a little plain. Situations like this - I think - are played better short and sweet:

A COUGH -- a GROAN. It's all the reader really needs to know, and it helps to keep things tense.

## The rain and the thunders are heard OUTSIDE. INSIDE, the howl of the wind.
-- For some of the reasons above - I didn't like this. It also feels like you're confusing things a bit - you've just gone inside - and you don't need the OUTSIDE - as we're well aware that the sound of the thunder must be coming from outside.

## He is staring psychotically at the man we cannot see.
-- The problem with this line is that you're not thinking about what is going to be on the screen. All you would see is 'A man staring psychotically'. So there's nothing wrong with putting that - most people reading scripts only want to know what is visually going on from a screen point of view - if we are seeing a man staring psychotically - then clearly we can't see a man we can't see - does that make sense to you?

## In his left hand he is holding a KNIFE, and he is stroking
the edge with his index finger.
-- You can cut this down. People sometimes specify which hand someone is doing something with - unless it's essential, there's really no need.

'He holds a KNIFE - strokes the edge with his finger.'
- visually there is very little difference between this and yours - it's less specific, but the image is gotten over with more brevity.

So that's page one done with.

But I did really think that visually this has got something going for it - but it really needs to come off the page well - I need to skip over the pages, not stick to them like glue.

Hope you re-work it & sorry to sound negative.

Thanks for the feedback, as I explained before this was translated by myself to English and I'm a spanish speaker. so if you guys help me with that I will appreciate it. This is my first attempt in writing something for the screen so I'm listening and learning from your feedback. There's no negative in your words you are just helping. And thanks for that.

This is pretty well-written for English being your second language.  Good on you for that.

Yeah - I never got that English was his second language - just the style of writing was a bit off - pretty sure that can be remedied though.

Believe me I spent a lot of time searching in the net for the best translation. sicoll007 I know what you mean about the writing but I'm just learning.

Hey Javier

I wasn't able to finish this one, sorry. Nothing personal, just after 7 pages I found that the story just wasn't my thing. I think with a bit of a fix up, this one will be loved by many readers on this site.

When I read your logline the first thing I thought was "It's a bit weak. Doesn't tell me anything about your story." Your logline outlines the theme of your story, but doesn't tell me what it's about.

No 'FADE IN:'

Given that english isn't your first language, I think that you wrote quite well. I wont comment on any of your grammatical issues because of that.

Page 2: "And to our horror..." - I try to avoid including what I intend the audience to feel. Just describe what's going on and move on.

Page 3: "Tears of fear running down his cheeks." - Hang on... His eyes are sewn shut... Surely he wont be able to cry.

"Derek is confused. What the f**k is he talking about?" - Two things here. Never swear in your writing unless it's dialogue. Secondly I don't know what he's talking about! Why ask me the question in the first place!?

You have Derek talking at the bottom of page three. Is that meant to be Joseph?

Page %: "Is he really talking to someone?" - Again, I don't know. Try to stay away from rhetorical questions.

Sorry I couldn't get through this one. Send me a pm if you have any other questions. I'm more than willing to help in any way I can.

Daniel

Hey, thanks for taking the time. I didn't place a logline for this script. It is the premise of the story but I will post a logline soon. The premise and the logline are two different things. I'm rewriting the script right now for the grammatical errors and revising the action sequence.

I like the use of question in a script. I think they work well in some situations but I will give a check on that.

As for the tears, his eyes are sewn, But that doesn't prevent that the tears flows through his eyes. They are not stuck with glue or something.

I will post a rewrite soon. and thanks again for your time

Hey I checked the Derek line that you said. And yes, it is suppose to be Joseph. Thanks!

Hope I didn't come across as rude. I read over my comments and I know if that were someone on one of my threads, I would've been slightly offended. That wasn't my intention at all.

I was not not offended at all. I submitted the script here to listen for suggestions and to learn from all of you. I'm just a newbie as some of you in this site. I just started to study screenplay months ago, in a screenplay Lab. So I came here to learn from everyone. If you tell me Sicoll007 was a little bit rude but I didn't care and I take his advice an began the rewriting yesterday. And I like the way the action is starting to flow.

I will read one of your script soon. and I let you know my insight. And really, I'm grateful and reconsidering your suggestion.

Hey Javier,

Thanks for commenting on Lie Detector.
I opened this one up.
And found the same issues that others have.

You do a pretty good job with the English.
But it does read stiff. Still a good effort for a second language though.

There are format issues. Excessive bolding and underlined slugs.
But I do believe you should keep at it.
You have a pretty good vision in your head.

Contact Federico through Burning Phoenix Films.
Tell him that Brett said you should say hello.
I think you two can help each other.
He's one of the most active filmmakers in Puerto Rico right now.
And he's always on the lookout for great shorts.

Best of luck!

Regards,
E.D.

The log line: Two man in search of relief for their disturbed minds. They soon realize that there's just one way to get that peace they seek.

Thhe new link for the script:

http://www.mediafire.com/?4xx31uu33kt2072