Charles's Band by Levi Gardner (levijyron) - Short, Drama - A lonely old bachelor decides to give love another shot after a chance encounter with a stranger. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

This didn't do it for me. I didn't understand the flow of the script at all and it just didn't click. I see where you were trying to go with it but it didn't execute well. Perhaps it would work better if it wasn't so short so you can develop the characters a little more for a more emotional impact.

Thanks for the feedback Mehdoh. It's my first script and I'm not completely happy with the characters / story so came here for suggestions and thoughts :)

Hey Levi,

I've seen that you've left a comment, so I know that you are around.

I'm struggling to work out the significance of the title in this one.

For a first script, this is actually really good! There were a few things that didn't read well and it needs work in some places, but overall, I think you've done a fairly good job. Definitely readable.

Page 1: "A YOUNG CHARLES and YOUNG MARY are flirtatious and in love." - How young? I had an image of seven years olds tickling each other for a moment.

Page 3:

INT. HOUSE. EARLY EVENING/EXT. GARDEN.

The clock hits exactly 5pm. Charles gets up from his chair and cuts a rose from his rosebush outside. He visits Mary's grave.

For a moment I was under the impression that Mary's grave was on Charles property. That particular moment doesn't read well.

I would provide a little more feedback, but my hands are freezing. I'll come back to this thread and give you a little more.

Overall, not bad, but there is still some work to be done.

I suggest having a read around these threads and having your own say on scripts that you haven't written. Comment. Meet people. Start talking and you're bound to learn a whole heap more.

Daniel

Hey Daniel,

Thanks for your feedback. You did have me laughing with the "seven-year-olds tickling each other" comment.

The title is a bit abstract - it's a reference to Charles taking off his wedding 'band' at the end of the story.

Also initially I was going to try to shoot this, but I've moved on to two other scripts that I'm a little more passionate about.

Again thanks for your comments, I agree with what you've said and will start tidying it.

Levi

Didn't have time to go through this in detail though I found most of your writing was well written.

He starts tickling Mary - Maybe  "He Tickles Mary"

The shorter you can make the script the easier  it will be to read.

"The clock hits exactly 5pm" why not say "Clock 5pm"

"Charles walks from his car up to the grave. He lays the
red rose on the stone and stands there for a moment."  -  How do we know he is walking from his car ?? We did not see him get out of it ???
Maybe  ---   Charles walks through the cemetry.

Action line "Awkward silence."  How can this be filmed ??? It's during a dialouge as well. Maybe cover this in an action by Charles.

Hope this gives you an idea.

I ran out of time and have to leave sorry.

Regards Alex

Hey Levi, welcome to SS.  I gave this a quick look and see lots of issues that you can easily fix, once you understand what's wrong.

Your formatting is off in terms of blank lines between Slugs and transactions.  It's a tough read because of this - it looks jammed together.

You literally MUST give age of your characters, so your readers can picture them.  This is even more important when dealing with Flashbacks and multiple time periods in a script.  The way it's written, it's impossible to follow what you're attempting to tell.

Watch your passive writing and replace with present tense action whenever you can, and that should be almost always.

Watch your unfilmables and understand why they are a problem in scripts, vs. novels or short stories.  Only write what can be seen on the screen.

Read other scripts and get involved here and you'll find lots of folks who will help you in your screenwriting adventure.

Good luck!

Hi Levi,

I enjoyed the read, but I'm not sure I would enjoy the film so much. Personally, I'm not a fan of short sequences. I would love to see these characters developed a little more. Maybe it's just hard for me to relate to Charles because I've never lost a spouse. Maybe if there was more to learn about the characters, it would have had more impact on me.

Regardless, I enjoyed the read. The writing was smooth and I appreciated the settings within such a short time span.

I look forward to reading more of your work.
Thanks,
Joe Wyatt

Thanks all for the useful comments.

I really enjoy being able to get feedback from people with experience and a common interest in writing - very glad I came upon this site.

Dreamscale, I'm interested in your comments regarding slugs / transitions. From what I know about formatting scripts (limited indeed) I can't see any problems with the spacing. If you get a chance to explain that would be fantastic.

Regards,

Levi

Levi, your Slugs don't appear to be double spaced, and that in itself isn't the biggest of deals, but you have transitions left aligned and that's wrong and makes your Slugs look off.

Hope that helps.

Hey Levi

You've a few past/present tense issues but nothing major.

This slug and entire scene left me confused:

INT. HOUSE. EARLY EVENING / EXT. GARDEN

I think he wakes in the house and leaves to the garden?  If so it would probably be better as two slugs.

You mention Susan is similar age to Charles but what age are they?  You gave no indication at the start.

There are few instances when you over write.  'Charles has just returned home and is hanging up his coat', could just be 'Charles hangs up his coat'.  We would know he has just returned from his actions.

How would we know the number is Susan's unless it read: Susan 458799 etc..

In the cafe scene Charles leaves and you say he heads to the hillside, we wouldn't know where he was heading?

Having never read 'The Catcher in the Rye', I wonder if Charles' penultimate dialogue is reference to it?  Should it be Mary who speaks back?

I guess this is Charles moving on with his life and it was pretty good.  It could do with a few tweaks to tighten it up but not a bad effort.

Also, is your title correct?  Charles's Band?  Should it not be Charles' Band?  I was never that sure as I wasn't sure what the Band was?  If it's his ring (wedding band) then I'm sure you can drop the 'S'.  Does that make sense?....I may be wrong though so don't hold it against me!

If I'm not mistaken, it's fine as Charles's Band, because what alffy mentioned is reserved for plural possessive, such as "the girls' knife rack" considering that it's two or more girls sharing the knife rack.

Don't have much to add here, Levi, but I figured I better justify my post.  I think everything has pretty much been covered, but I enjoyed the read.

Gage

"Charles's" and "Charles'" are both acceptable.  The first is the old school approach.  The latter is the newer accepted use of the apostrophe.

As far as I know, the only time you will not see both as acceptable is when referring to such "old" names as "Jesus" and/or "Moses".  Both will almost always be written as "Jesus'" and "Moses'", not adding an "s".

To me, using "Charles's" reads more clunky and actually slower even, as you pronounce it "Charles-uhs", as opposed to simply "Charles".

Also to me, it's something I stay away from whenever possible because it does raise questions and looks potentially "odd".

Hope that helps.

Thanks guys again for the useful feedback. Looks like there's a bit of a re-write coming.

I'm a total freak for getting apostrophes right, and I did look into it, I just thought it was more "complete" to finish the word with an S to signify ownership. It's not the best title anyway so I'm probably going to change it.

My preferred genres to watch are actually comedy and smart action (think Tarantino) so writing drama that borders on the sappy is a fun challenge.

I don't know how everyone else writes but I usually think of one scene or idea and then attempt to build a story from that concept. With this one it was the pivotal closing scene of Charles taking off his wedding ring.

Great stuff all around. Thanks again.

Hey Levi,

Gave this a quick read, mostly because I've seen you responding to feedback and you're from oz.

Going to be honest, it needs a lot of work.

Your slugs look all wrong, get rid of all those transitions and keep your action lines to 4 max.

Also your page numbers seem to be at the bottom of the page which I found rather odd?

Yeah it was a hard read and the lack of story didn't help. I understand you trying to portray Charles as lonely but other than that, I didn't really follow what this was all about.

I don't understand Susan at all? How she knows Charles is a widow just passed me by and then he snubs her before calling her again. I'm guessing he felt guilty about talking to another women but this whole piece needs to be clearer... Maybe the writing is a factor as to why the story came off a tad confusing.

Also, you need to give your characters ages because it really harmed your story-telling here.  I mean you can't describe someone to be a few years younger when we don't even know that characters age.

Read some scripts here and keep writing. SS is an amazing tool if you use it properly.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

Hi Steve,

Thanks for the feedback.

May I ask what's wrong with including transitions? This short relies heavily on flashbacks so I don't know how else you'd communicate it.

I come from a cinematography background and am only now dabbling in writing for the first time so as my first script this was more a formatting exercise and to be honest I haven't developed the story nearly enough for a screen-ready piece.

I appreciate the feedback and will take your thoughts on board.

Regards, Levi

Quoted from levijyron May I ask what's wrong with including transitions? This short relies heavily on flashbacks so I don't know how else you'd communicate it.

Steve hasn't been around for what feels like ages, so I'll save you the wait of knowing the answer.

There's nothing too wrong with transitions IF you are the Director of the film. However, as a person reading the script, the transitions become a tool that is useless for them. It gets in the way, slows down the read. If I was directing this film, I'd have no problem with them, but unfortunately I'm not, so they just become annoying.

I see you come from a cinematography background, so naturally you get used to the transitions, so the habit you show in this script is understandable :)

Quoted from danbotha Steve hasn't been around for what feels like ages

Huh? Haven't I. Nice to know I'm missed, Dan. ;D

Hey Levi,

Apologies for not getting back to you, should have sent me a pm, mate.

I think Dan has covered some of what I meant. Basically in a spec script, story should be key, because that's what you're trying to sell/get produced. All of the transitions can take the reader out of your story and harm it in the process.

Also watch out for their location on the page. They seemed to change from the right-side of the page to the left-side which really made it hard to read sometimes.

All the best, :)

Steve (Yes, I'm still around ;D)