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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  Couple of Killers
Posted by: Don, June 22nd, 2012, 12:53pm
Couple of Killers by Dale Trett - Short - Two couples meet on a night when it's dangerous to be a couple. 15 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: albinopenguin, June 22nd, 2012, 2:26pm; Reply: 1
Given your title and logline, I didn't have very high expectations for this. After reading the first page, I'm glad I didnt (lest I be thoroughly disappointed). Here's some tips...

Too many paranthenticals. You're over directing and it's really not needed. The reader can assume the tone given the words.

A beat does NOT mean a pause.

although not entirely incorrect, there are too many capped words for my liking. it distracts from words that should capitalized.

INT. CAR - NIGHT - TRAVELLING
^I've never seen anyone write out "travelling"

You don't have the copyright for specific songs so there's no point in specifying them.

EMILY is reading from an oversized road map.
^no need to cap Emily again. plus it should just be "reads"

Scanned the rest of the screenplay and you pretty much have the same problems throughout. Don't underline words. No need.

Sorry but you need to read some more screenplays. You have a so-so grasp on the craft. Getting there.
Posted by: Busy Little Bee, June 23rd, 2012, 6:29pm; Reply: 2

Hey, you got some structure here. You setup the fear or danger from the first scene. Both couples have reasons to suspect the others with something as simple as the lights going out and the flat tires. You had suspense, action and plot. The biggest piece of plot coming at the end. When we see the final outcome.

Something to work on, removing linking verbs like "is" from the narrative and use just verbs. Also, saying "we" which can draw the reader out of the story. This will give that "show not tell" quality. The descriptive narrative is a part of screenwriting but I find that the story and structure take priority, though narrative can distract from those things if not handled properly.

A quick and still engaging read.

BLB
Posted by: DaleTrett, August 1st, 2012, 3:44pm; Reply: 3
Thanks for your time guys!!
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