A Decision by Marc Jensen - Short - A couple are interrupted when recording a private video. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Marc,

interesting idea. Liked the 'home video' gone wrong angle, could see the immediacy of the camera POV used to good effect.

Some unnecessary spacing in the dialogue, felt like you were going for a 'pause' -- could either break it up with a line of action, or just full stop/ellipses -- I think it's generally accepted that actors find their own pacing.

Should include your name on the title page, maybe a contact email or something.

A couple of things that bugged me: Melanie's relationship/motive was never really explained.  Her main diatribe against them both seems a little muddled, i was left with the impression she was Ted's 'bit on the side' but it was never fully revealed.  I wondered it she was just a random crazy, but Ted knew her so it was left a little too ambiguous.

Ending on the lawyer/court case: not a bad way to end, but i couldn't help wonder who would be on trial here given that it's on film that Melanie takes her own life -- unless I've missed something there?  

Good luck with it.

Steve.  

Marc, I read the entire script, so that's saying something at least.  I definitely wanted to see how it played out.

The not so good news is that the writing on display is riddled with errors of every kind.  Your sentence structure is off in many places.  Punctuation is an issue often.  You're often missing little words here and there, giving the read a very sterile feel.  Passive writing on display.  "is seen" and "is heard" never work, and you're using them over and over here.

Dialogue is a bigger issue though.  Way too much of it, unrealistic, downright goofy at times.  The constant overuse of character's names in dialogue is always an issue and if you read this carefully, you'll see your characters use each others names many times.

Story-wise, it's OK.  I know there's much more you could do with this, without using up any extra pages.  It's just unclear. in an irritating way who's who, and why this went on.  No characters really have much life or are likable, and that's another issue you should think about.

I'll give you credit for attempting a FF script.  It's not bad, but the FF elements could be done much better and more effectively, IMO.  I know writing FF is tougher than it seems, so kudos for attempting and succeeding here.

All in all?  Not half bad.  Easy to produce, cheap to shoot, and you got me to read the entire thing...things could be much worse!

Take care and hope this helps.

Finally, an original take on the found footage genre.  I have a soft spot for found footage films, even bad ones, so it is refreshing to find one that actually has potential.

I liked the reveal of Kelly being a wife, but I never really found out who Melanie was.  As someone else mentioned, why is there a court case if she just killed herself on video?

Overall a good concept but the execution needs a bit of work.

Thank you all for your feedback. I totally agree with what you have to say and it's all been taken on board. This was my second ever script and when writing it I was still getting to grips with the screenplay format. It clearly shows. With your comments and advice in mind, I have written a second draft. I'm new to this site and so I'm unsure how uploading rewrites works but would like to upload it for you to read. I have a PDF of it in my dropbox public folder, which I could provide a link to. Would that be alright or will I be breaking rules by posting links?

That said... there are two things I would still like to defend from my first draft.

Firstly, the repeated addressing by name. I believe you're referring to the regular "Ted", "Ted", "Ted". It wasn't accidental and was intended as a way of Melanie being confrontational, aggressively singling him out, in a condescending tone. This obviously didn't work in the way I'd thought it was and so in my new draft I've reduced the Teds and instead reinforced the idea I was trying to get across in other dialogue.

The second thing is the courtroom ending. This was predominantly a way of making the 'found footage' actual found footage, a mechanism to place it into a situation. The plausibility of a court case at all was that, whilst she did commit suicide, that part is not seen on camera, and so the couple are left having to prove their innocence. Admittedly, it would be a short case. In my new draft I've attempted to make her death a little less simple in order to better justify the court case.

It maybe wasn't the best of ideas but I did rather want a general sense of ambiguity, with an opportunity to read between the lines. For the reader to assume she's just some crazy that's wandered in, to me seemed far-fetched and wasn't something that was likely to be understood from it. Regardless, it wasn't effective - simple as that.

I fully anticipate another rewrite but I hope this second draft is a more enjoyable read.

A quick side note - I know I have a freeze frame, which is technically to be left to the director, and I would never usually include it, but in this case I feel it's integral to the story and theme of found footage, so I've used it. Thoughts on this are welcomed.

I'm impatient. Here's a link to the new draft http://dl.dropbox.com/u/8505977/Scripts/A%20Decision_2nd_draft.pdf

I'll upload to SimplyScripts when I can.

Hey, Marc

I didn't read the original on the second draft. Interesting concept, and approach. The reveal at the end, we're watching an evidence tape.

I think you're missing some info in your narrative cause of your writing style or maybe i missed it. First, I know Mel was messing with drawers, but I was wondering why are they listening to her, then the knife appeared. I guess you intended to keep that from us. That works too, now I think about it. Then after when it sounds like the stabbed mel, the camera reveals Kelly is bleeding on the floor then she's in the court room, alone I'm assuming cause you don't mention Ted. So, I'm like who's dead and why is she on trial. I think i know what your trying to do, but that last little bit should write more clear.

Good use of misdirection. Thinking logically, one would assume Mel is the wife catching her husband. Not sure I liked when she said "well who am I..." cause I'm already like this girl crazy (which is good).

To recap, possible think about making the ending more clear, re-read your narrative. Good approach, some good reveals.


BLB

Marc,

Had a read through of the second draft. I always enjoy a little 'found footage' film and I think you've nailed this one on the head. For starters, it's original, which isn't something you get with found footage stuff. Most people think futuristic type films with apocalyptic themes when they think 'found footage.'

I think that reveal with Mel was brilliant. All I'm going to say with that :)

Format-wise, great. Dialogue-wise, awesome! It's just an all-round great piece of writing!

Awesome job ;D

Daniel

Thanks BLB. I knew the ending wasn't quite right yet but didn't want to say that when I posted it. Seemed silly to put it down before you even read it. I'd like to work on the ending some more.

Also, it would seem, I accidentally killed the wrong person. Right at the last moment before uploading it, I neatened it up and inadvertently killed Kelly instead of Mel. It's meant to read:

POV FOOTAGE PAUSES/FREEZES to show Melanie on the floor, bleeding. Ted kneels over her, holding the knife, and Kelly clutches at the end of the bed.

Could be a happy accident in the making but I doubt it! I've reuploaded it as it should be. I think SimplyScripts.com is open for submissions again today and so I'll see about uploading a proper new draft to there.

I'm really appreciating the feedback. I don't expect this script to turn into anything spectacular but I'm trying to use it to learn from.

What I see in this story, Is an example of Melanie's suicide, In which was captured on camera when a cheating relationship by her boyfriend Ted who choose to bring his cheating Female friend Kelly into the apartment and bedroom where he and Melanie were living together.

And finally at the end of the story, We see where the entrie scene and camera is used as evidence at Ted's and Kelly's court trial hearing.

Good story Marc.