Unavailable For Comment by Marc Jensen - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - Detective Solomon is called to investigate an incident in the sex district and is greeted with a less than forthcoming witness. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Marc,

Hope you're around to read this.

From the moment I saw the title page, I had low expectations of this one. You've failed to include minor details on the front page, such as your name...

No "FADE IN:" to begin your script.

Your first slug is over-written...

"INT. BROTHEL ROOM - BATHROOM - NIGHT"
Get rid of the "ROOM" here.

Page 1:

                 SOLOMON
    And...

    Can you recall the events
    resulting in these deaths?

Why do you have a gap, here?

Page 2: "He briefly appears uncomfortable, finding the self-voyeuristic effect of the walls' technology unsettling." - Way too descriptive here. Keep the language you use in scriptwriting simple.

I'm not a fan of using V.O.' s unless you absolutely have to. In this script, I don't think you need it. This story I don't think has been thought through enough. It's almost as if you rushed right through writing it, without giving it a proper think.

I have no idea what's going on. The story is confusing.

Sorry, don't mean to be harsh, but I can't help it if I don't know what's going on...

Daniel

Hi Daniel. I'd almost forgotten I'd posted this on SimplyScripts. It's a pleasant surprise to see feedback.

Right. So where to start?

You have a point about the missing personal details. This five page script was originally written for a contest where the authors were to be anonymous (moviepoet.com). When uploading this one, I added some copyright info but just left the rest as it was. That said, you do know my name anyway, and I have had correspondence regarding the use of the script to my e-mail address, so it clearly not much of an issue.

The 'fade in' was something I originally thought was a matter of preference. A general Google of it will have some people saying its totally necessary and others saying it's not. Regardless, I appreciate it's certainly part of the standard, traditional screenplay layout and I now include it in my new scripts.

I disagree that the opening slug is overwritten. These are details I consciously wished to include. It's not just a bathroom in a brothel. The setting of the main scene is the brothel room, like a hotel room, with its adjoining bathroom, where the scene starts. I do agree that a lot of the other details in the script are unnecessary, however. This was my first script, adapted from a scene within a much larger story that I've been writing, and it's very telling in that it fails in its 'show, don't tell' format that is indicative of the screenplay format. Much of the description is still too heavy.

The points that you have picked up on are interesting. That you feel that it reads as if its been written without much thought is probably due to it, more than anything, being an experiment to see how switching from one writing format to another would be. The ending with the detective returning is the main difference between the versions and is done in order to keep the script self-contained, rather than leave it open. It was also done to adhere to the theme I was at first submitting it for, that being that the two characters must never have met before and I thought it would be fun to do the same thing twice with the same two people, which is why I played with the cyborg prostitute resetting her memory when he leaves the room

Looking back on it, I'm still happy to keep the VO and I think I will retain some of it but it definitely needs trimming down. It's wordy and just trails off, which I hadn't noticed quite so much before, or had stubbornly ignored it. This is again symptomatic of me adapting from the source material, trying to retain backstory and internal thoughts from a format where just saying it works just fine, but here in script format I should try introducing it into dialogue.

Finally, in regards to the spacing issue, the gap in text was for an intentional beat or pause in speech and, as I understand it, is a recognised way of doing things but may not be necessary here. At the time, I found it better to read formatted this way. To be honest, I found I had little faith in trusting the general reader to be able to comfortably act out the pacing in their head in the way that an actor would, and so found myself spacing it to do the work for them. Reassuringly, It seems the people reading scripts on here can be trusted to insert some imagination when reading scripts and so I'll be avoiding the extra spacing in future.

I appreciate the brutal feedback. It's always hard to read negative feedback, as I'm sure we all know, but having had some time to think over what you've said, I would like to give this script a rewrite and see how it works next time - spank it into shape and see what happens. I'm unsure why you find the story confusing but maybe with some more work you'll think otherwise if you read the next version. Now that I'm no longer limited to five pages, I will hopefully be able to open things out a little in terms of narrative.

I've actually addressed all the issues and have a new draft now. Where's the best place to upload it?

Uploading to SimplyScripts will be back up on the first of August.

Ah, okay. Thanks. I shall be patient then :-)

Not yet able to upload the new draft to SimplyScripts so I've uploaded to http://dl.dropbox.com/u/8505977/Scripts/Unavailable%20for%20comment_2ndDraft.pdf

A lot of the points above have been addressed. I've still got some of the voice-over but a lot less. I'm considering getting rid of it in my next draft, which'll be interesting. The things he says in the voice-over are details I want kept, which will mean it'll have to be said by him to the woman. It will make him seem quite abusive - not a character trait I had in mind for him initially - but this could for a more interesting contrast when he comes back and she behaves as if nothing's happened.

Time to make him into a hard-ass maybe...

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/8505977/Scripts/Unavailable%20for%20comment_3rdDraft.pdf is the 3rd draft with the V.O. removed entirely.

Marc, I was incredibly vague in my last review. Not only that, but it seems I have said some things that were a little ignorant on my behalf, with the spacing in the dialogue. I apologize for those comments. I didn't realize that you were using a recognized techniques.

I also feel like I made the script worse than what it actually is, so I'll give the re-write another read.

Sorry :)

Daniel

Had another look at this one Marc.

Just a quick thing I picked up. On page 1 you have a fairly large paragraph. I'd consider shortening this up a bit. The general rule with paragraphs is keep them no longer than 4 lines. After 4, the reader will start to skim-read and might not get important details. For example, while I was reading your third draft, I skipped this paragraph. Had you added something there, I wouldn't have noticed.

Good idea of having a draft without the V.O's btw. Gives us something to compare to. I still think that the V.O's really don't serve much of a purpose in this script. I don't see the reason for using it, here. Your third draft still makes sense without them. I don't know, you might want to get a second opinion on this one.

Overall, an improvement. You kept me entertained with it :)

Daniel

I'm glad to see another MP writer here. It seems the two boards are getting closer to merging, which could be very fun, I think. Unfortunately, I'm not able to read/critique scripts on MP as much as I'd like. You can find me under Austin Bennett.

Anyway, I read the first draft and was thoroughly confused. I tried finding this on MP and I couldn't... Was it removed or never posted? I like the idea... kinda Chinatown meets Sin City meets I, Robot, but it wasn't executed well. I didn't mind the VOs so much, but I wish they were more ironic or contrasting. As is, they compliment, which is fine, but VOs should be used to add another layer.

The third draft is better, but it lacks something. There isn't enough story. We have a detective, a robot, and two dead people. The detective doesn't learn anything. They have a few lines but he leaves the script exactly as he entered it. Quite literally, in fact. It's half a scene. Well written, but not together enough to do anything. Again, I like this piece and it has potential. The stakes aren't high enough. The twist isn't great. The detective speaks for the audience's benefit and nothing else. He knows about the robots. He knows what'll happen. The audience asks questions that are never answered.

I'd be willing to work with you, if you're interested, in fleshing out this story. Is the robot the killer? Do you know who the killer is? You've got a couple of dead people. Someone did it. Who? Why? I like the idea but you need to give the audience more.

Marc,

I think you’ve got a good concept here and a decent character in Solomon.  As it’s currently written (3rd draft) it’s a bit confused.

In the end plot elements such as the dead bodies/Solomon’s investigation and an explanation as to the world we’re viewing (synths/holographic interfaces etc.) feel unresolved.

Having read some of your comments I understand it’s an offshoot taken from a larger piece.  Perhaps you've a far greater understanding of the world and characters you’ve created there, than you can convey in a shorter time frame. It serves to divert the reader from what could be a dark, twisted little story.

A few things on the writing side:

I’d consider giving the WOMAN a name/title, she’s a main character in this.

Watch the passive writing: p.1 ‘They are covered in blood’ Could be ‘blood covers them’ or something to that effect.

Think about using Mini slugs if moving from one room in a location to another.  No real need for:

INT. BROTHEL - BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

We know it’s continuous and they’re still in the brothel.

BEDROOM

-- Would work fine.

SOLOMON
Well... this is disgusting.

-- Like that line.

SOLOMON
But you reported this, didn’t you?
It wasn't you who called this in?

-- Essentially the same question asked twice.

I liked the ending here, a nice turnaround for the detective.  Him closing the doors on the dead bodies. Though again, the set-up of the bodies will leave people wanting.  I’d guess a throwback to the source material?

Hope you keep working at this one, keen to see where it goes.

Steve.