Memory of an Investigation by Lochlan Bloom - Short, Drama - A detective must grapple with his own memory as he investigates the disappearance of a young girl. 9 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

No title page?

Good imagery in the first paragraph.

"The camera dollies in to her neck and passed her out to the
blue sky above."  This sentence seems a bit broken.

A LOT of camera directions just on the first page.  Those tend to get a bit distracting for some people.

On the second page, everytime Antony speaks there is "..." which seems to interrupt the flow.  Maybe add a parenthetical.  As is, it seems that Antony has a speech problem.

Page three, when Antony speaks there needs to be a V.O.

It also seems that you are missing a lot of periods at the end of your sentences.

"CLOSE UP. NAKED COUPLE POST-COPITAL - DAY"
This cannot be a slug.  Naked people are not a place.

I am a bit confused.  This reminds me of Memento, with the memories and the non-linearity of it.  I liked it overall, you have a very set taste and style you are going for and it helped me imagine it as you did (I think).  However, I did not quite understand the purpose of the client.

Perhaps you could enlighten me? :)

I would really like to produce this film for the purpose of entering it in festivals, but I am having a hard time contacting the author. A little help?

lochlanb5@gmail.com is what we got for this guy.

Whether it is good or not, no clue.