Vincenzo's World by Artell Cowell - Short, Gangster - When Vincenzo Motta loses the woman he loves to a family he hates; they all find out what happens when water is thicker than blood. 16 pages - pdf, format 8)

No proper title page?

On the second page, is Vicenzo talking to himself or is it a V.O.?  I couldn't tell.

Lots of "is standings" and "is sittings".  Use the active voice, "stands" and "sits" get the point across.

Also, we need page numbers!  Makes it easier to critique. :D

"Coulda, woulda, shoulda but you didn't."  That's an awkward line here.  Just comes off as out of place.

"Paul looks at Vincenzo. Vincenzo looks at Paul. There stare at each other."  This can be shortened to "they stare at each other".  Also, this needs proofread.

"He has two hand guns by his feet. His leather jacket has two grenades in it."  You already told us the weapons of choice, this is unneeded.

Again, lots of stuff not written in the correct voice.  "are shooting" can be changed to "shoot" etc.

Vicenzo sitting next to the dying man is just awkward.  It's not written well and it doesn't flow with the rest of the script.  If it's rewritten it could work but it just seems out of place right now.

Wait, Vicenzo wants to run now?  Why didn't he do that BEFORE the siege on his house?  This doesn't make sense.  Why wouldn't he run first, instead of having a huge shootout and then running?

There's really nothing special about this script, sorry.  A very simple revenge plot (although I did like the staging of the murder).  The action wasn't written very well and the ending was illogical.

This needs a lot of work, sorry.
Gage