Beware of Dog by Robert Holbrook (kitsilano99) - Short, Drama - A troubled 12 year old boy finds a loaded gun and keeps it secret. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Robert,

Haven't seen you on the boards.  I'll keep it quick as I don't want this to fall on deaf ears, but if you pop up I'll go much more in-depth. :D

Well, right off the bat, the whole thing is waaaay overwritten.  This is a simple little story that could be very effective if it was shorter.  I can easily see this being trimmed down to around six or seven pages, maybe even shorter.

You use a few unfilmables, and there's a few plot points that just aren't necessary and stretch the read across more time.

I do like the overall message of the story (even if I have seen it before), it just needs a little work.

Gage

I agree with Gage.  This is way overwritten and unrealistic.  The way the teacher treats Kyle is unrealistic.  The ending is unrealistic.  The dialogue of the police officer is, on the nose.

I did like the way you made me feel sorry for Kyle, but it was done in a manner that made me feel like I was reading a story, not watching a movie.

Jordan

HI Robert and hope you turn up.

Have to agree with the others, way overwritten, delete the Fluff.

Just in brief :-
   KYLE, 12 yrs old, dressed in secondhand Walmart and toting a backpack, wheels his bicycle out of the rundown garage behind his bland and rundown house and locks the door.

KYLE (12), poorly dressed, backpack, pushes a bike from a rundown garage adjacent to a dilapidated house.

Same effect though a lot shorter.

If you want to get people reading your script you need to make it an easier read.

I can give more detail once you turn up.

Regards Alex

Hi, yes I'm new to this site.
Thanks for giving this a read.  Consensus seems to be it's overwritten - too much description?

Robert

Quoted from kitsilano99 Consensus seems to be it's overwritten - too much description?

Oh yes, way too much description! Have a look at your first sentence for example...

"KYLE, 12 yrs old, dressed in secondhand Walmart and toting a backpack, wheels his bicycle out of the rundown garage behind his bland and rundown house and locks the door." That's a lot for the reader to take in for a first sentence!

Hang on, haven't said 'hi' yet.

Hey Robert :)

I think you have something good here. You just need to cut down on that extra 'fluff' as Alex calls it.

I don't feel like you've gotten much helpful feedback on this one, so I'll be coming back to give you a more in-depth review.

I would personally give the bully a name, mainly because he is an important character in this script.

Page 8:

                  TEACHER
  Mr. Callan. Worse grade in the class. I'd
  prepare for a life of dumpster driving if
  I were you.

I'm sorry, but this is so unrealistic. There's no way any teacher anywhere in the world would say this.

Not bad, mate. Keep up the work and you'll have something really worth reading.

Oh, and it's not a bad idea to have a look at other work on SS. Comment on the work of others and you will be rewarded with comments on your own scripts. That's how it works, here.

Daniel

Robert, I gave this a read.  Actually read the whole thing, which is a surprise, as there are lots and lots of problems throughout,as others have noted.  I was curious where it was going to go.

Here's the deal - it didn't go much of anywhere, sorry to say.  And the reason is because of what you chose to show and not show.  You see, the story seems to be centered on Kyle, the "bullies", his teacher, and his Mom and "friend".  But really, none of these characters or plot points have anything to do with...well...anything here. Even the dog, although definitely a character with an arc, really doesn't have much to do here, other than bark and menace.

The finale and revelations here all come out of thin air and because of that, they don't really matter much.  Kyle doesn't even seem to get in any trouble for shooting a man in the gut, and why this guy would just confess to killing someone is also rather ludicrous.

For a first effort, it's not all that bad.  You should really read as many scripts as you can and see what separates the crap from the OK, to the good.  Understand that most of the posted scripts in SS are far from great, but every now and then, you will come across something that shines and from those few, you can learn so much.

Good luck in your writing adventures.

Hey thanks for the feedback everybody.  I do appreciate it.

Robert

Hey Robert

The over writing has been mentioned so I'll just give you my thoughts on the story.

When Kyle's chain came off his bike, why didn't he just push it away rather than trying to put the chain on under the dogs nose?

I don't like the swearing in the action.  Also why is he in the shit just because there's no one about?  Okay, so this was answered in the next scene but you still can't just say what he's feeling as 'we' can't see that.  You need to try and show his feelings.

I prefer to see 'four thirty' in dialogue rather than '4:30' but that's me.

You show Kyle losing his homework through a flashback.  you didn't show it as it happened though.  this is no big issue but you could show it first time round and then flash to the lone book lying in the dirt?

Not sure what the teacher locking the door was about.  I get she's probably got someone in her room but it played no real part in the story.

I thought the dog belonged to Dan?  I wonder why he now plays with it as he clearly hates Dan and the dog only stopped barking at him due to the loud gunshot?

The story shows Kyle gains confidence when he finds the gun and eventually shoots someone and lives happily ever after, not sure it's the right message to paint?

You need to trim this down as it stands at 10 pages and to be fair there isn't 10 pages worth of story here.  Good effort and keep at it.

Hey Robert - Not a bad story at all. It's a interesting take on a kid having a bad life from everything that surrounds him. I don't know if a cop would let a 12 year old kid know about a murder and who's to say that Lester wouldn't have tried to pin the murder on Kyle since his fingerprints were all over it. Either way i enjoyed it. You have something there. Just need a little editing. Good luck

Hey Robert,

I enjoyed the read.

A few things that jumped out at me as needing work:

- Bully's character. He seems a vital part of the story and then just sort of drops off the planet? This arc needs to be developed more, or dropped.

- The ending doesn't really make sense to me, others have touched on this so I won't go into it but it just doesn't flow too well when he shoots a newly introduced character that didn't have anything to do with the story.

Anyhow, some good writing in parts, keep it up.

Levi

I'm with Dreamscale on this. Interesting twist at the end, if there was a twinkle of foreshadowing or connection. It kind of went from nerdy kid gets picked on to Bret Easton Ellis to finally, Scooby Doo. I really like the some of the intensity, but I think your protagonist deserved better dialouge than what he got from the bullies. Thanks for the read.

Hey, had to take a look after reading some reviews because it sounded similar to a story I'm working on, also a short.

I thought you did get into the characters head and explained that rather than showing us an action that coincides with the thought or feeling.

It had some suspense, first the bully telling him to meet here or there at this time, and know he'd be late and what would happen. Him finding the gun and whether or not he'd use it on the bullies or dog.

I didn't have a problem with him shooting that guy cuz when it comes to guns things happen. Only sense i can make of the guy he shot and him being a killer is he was out bullying some guy and killed and that correlates to Kyle now. Not really sure.

Decent read.

BLB