Cat by Simon (sicoll007) - Short - Cat versus Rat. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Simon.  Not sure I have read anything by you before.  'Bout time, I suppose.

My first impression is that there is a little too much of the staccato thing going on in the descriptions for my tastes.  I know some people like it -- and even I do to a point -- but it can also be overdone.

You should set the scene better in Matt's office.  After the bar scene, I imagined a grungy office behind the bar -- but once Ditt spoke, I had to immediately pause and alter my mental picture.

Where the hell are you getting these names?  Oddly amusing, but maybe a little too over the top.

I guess you are going for a nonlinear piece here, but I have to admit to a fair amount of confusion while reading this.  I think at least part of the problem might be too many characters -- which leads to too many motives to try and sort out in too few pages.  Do we really need the whole trio of Matt, Axe, and Ditt?

I did like your touch with dialogue here.  Terse and clever more often than not, and while I could sense subtext beneath the surface, I struggled to connect it to the broader context of the surrounding story.

And it is the larger scenario that eludes me.  I get that there is a sting of sorts, with money involved, but I never really grasp what is going on in the larger sense.

So, interesting characters with good dialogue, but you need to re-examine this piece for clarity in terms of the actual story you are telling.  A forest for the trees kind of thing, I guess.

Hi Bert - thanks for the feedback! Yes, it's the first one of mine that you've read - so I'm pretty honored.

You summed it up pretty well -- I was really unsure about posting this one, as I didn't want to go on forever about the larger scenario. The background was a bit of a MacGuffin to be honest - so I didn't worry about it in detail too much, but I wasn't too sure about how much not to worry about it - if you see what I mean.

In retrospect Ditt could easily be dropped, as he really doesn't do all that much. And maybe, some specifics of the story could be stuck in to make things clearer - it'd need re-working maybe.

Perceptive read though, thanks for that - you've helped clarify stuff for me here.

Hey Simon, gave this a read, as I'm not ashamed to say I'm a cat guy - but this thang ain't much 'bout no cats.

Ummm, not really even sure what to say or how to say it, but you know me, I'll try.

Just my opinion of course, but for me, this really did not work and I'd actually say pretty much everything about it was the cause.

Bert mentioned an odd, over the top staccato style.  Yeah, this was an issue as well for me.  But more so, it had to do with the fact that you used numerous incorrect tenses, used passive verbiage but tried to hide it by simply omitting any and all verbs, often omitted subjects, and also omitted leadoff words like "a" or "the".

It was a very difficult read for me, and at only just over 6 page, that should not be the case.  And, in reality, this 6 page short, most likely could be under 5 pages, based on your use of subject Slugs, dashes, double dashes, over description, and a plethora of unnecessary scenes and characters.

Also had trouble with your dialogue. I see you were going for some sort of slang, but it altered as you went along, and numerous parts were way off.

Like Bert, I too sense there is more than meets the eye here, but it sure isn't coming through for me.  It will be interesting to see what others think.

Sorry if this comes off as harsh, but I want you to know my feelings and I want to help.

Quoted from Dreamscale Sorry if this comes off as harsh

Jeff. This is clearly the most benign feedback you've given for a while. You're tip-toeing. I like it from both barrels - it's a great way to learn. ;D

The bit I'm scratching my head at is where you say 'over description' as I'm getting under the impression I'm over-trimming scripts at the expense of creative 'feel'?

Cheers for the read, though.

Hey Simon,

Good to finally see some writing from you.  I've been looking for it. :P

I liked this, despite its shortcomings.  The dash-marks and slang have already been commented upon, and I can only echo upon those things (although the slang should definitely stay, just toned back, perhaps?).

Your writing has a definite style to it.  The whole read felt very frenetic and dirty because of the dialogue and the flow of the words.

Some good work here.
Gage

Simon,

I'll be honest and say I struggled with this.  The names are very strange and that didn't help the flow.  The descriptions are short but sometimes confusing, as is the dialogue at times.  I'm not sure what the significance of the cat and rat were other than maybe a metaphor for the story?

The story of an undercover cop and pimp/drug lord is probably been done many times so I hold my hands up to your effort of trying to achieve a different angle on it but it was just too much of a struggle to follow for me, sorry.

I'm a 'rat man' so didn't like the opening scene lol.  No really, I've got pet rats and have done for many years now.

@ Gage - thanks for the read, a couple of people have said they weren't really into the slang - I didn't really see that as a problem when I was writing it, but I have to take it on board if there's a number of question marks people are raising.

@ Alffy - glad you took a read - I'll never be able to write something to everyone's taste. Yeah - the names - once Bert commented on that, I took another look and did have a 'what was I thinking' moment. Yeah the cat and the rat was a metaphor for the story - it's something I'm playing with at the moment - I know it doesn't really belong in a short - it's just interesting to see what you can with these things. Cheers for the read none-the-less.

Hey Simon,

Bit nervous about posting as I actually picked up on a few errors... I think :P

Going to start off by saying that I loved this. Personally, I thought the slang worked quite well, so no complaints on that aspect. I also get what some people have said about the certain 'staccato' feel to it. I think it does tend to slow the read down by quite a bit.

Quoted from Forgive The bit I'm scratching my head at is where you say 'over description' as I'm getting under the impression I'm over-trimming scripts at the expense of creative 'feel'?

I see what Jeff was saying, here. You overuse certain unnecessary conjunctions such as "and" or "but" which I feel get in the way.

"...looks like a whore" - Laugh out loud description, here, mate  ;D

Page 4: "... she kissed him." - You go to past-tense, here. Correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't scripts remain in present-tense.

Page 5:

                   ROOT

My bitch - your bitch.

Dialogue isn't aligned properly, here. Blame celtx, eh?

Overall, I liked it. I got the feeling that maybe it was written in a short space of time?? I don't know...?

Daniel

Hey Simon

Owe you a read...or two.

I haven't been able to make notes so this is more after thoughts.

Title - simple and for some reason interesting

Opening scene - I liked this alot, even if I wasn't wholly sure about the end, as it played the metaphor up well. Whilst reading I was thinking who is who and how does it relate.

Names - yeah I agree with above. Where do you get them? Strangely enough whilst they were distinct I actually found it harder to follow, mind you i think the first page included five alone, plus the rat scene, so they were coming thick and fast.

Writing - ok a couple of typos and a mis formatted dialogue, who hasn't, but whilst I like the lean style I suppose I prefer this with a variety of writing. After a while I found it harder to follow dispute being short/clipped.

Overall, I would have preferred a little more clarity, which for me would come from simpler writing. By the end I wondered if I had missed something within all those dynamics.

However, it was an interesting piece to read and made me think about how I write, the style etc, more than virtually every other script.

All the best.

Hey Simon,

Glad to throw a read your way on this.
Always a pleasure to kick it with SS vets.

By the bottom of page two, I'm backtracking to recall character names.
I was distracted by trying to figure out the reasoning behind the odd nomenclature.

P. 5
I'm struggling with the cadence of the script...
The dialogue is fine, but there's liberties in the descriptives that trip me up.
Things that should obviously be plural aren't, stuff like that roadblocks me a tad.
At times, the slang works though, I think it's just a refinement deal.

Brya's identity was a surprise, nothing more.
If there's foreshadowing of that, I missed it.

Perhaps if the reader knew all along about that identity...
The ending would be a bit more of a corker.

Regards,
E.D.

Hello Simon,

This was interesting. Foreshadowing and symbolism at the start was nice, but hinted a little too strongly that Byra was more than someone's hoe. Maybe include this later on.

Some of the action seemed clipped, seemed to be a style/tone choice, but it could do with a little polish to make the read flow a little better without losing any effect.

I was a little confused about what was actually taking place, I had to reread it to be sure. I got that there was a bust/setup going down, but was all a little too smoke and mirrors. Everything seemed to be abstract for fear the punchline may be exposed, ie Byra's identity.

Nice work.

Eoin

Hey Simon. Here are my thoughts on your cat.
It is pretty good with an interesting twist in the end. Sorry didn't have time to read the comments above so I may be repitting.

P1 - BARES it teeth IMO its teeth.
p1- a open palm IMO an open palm
p1- hold papers IMO holds papers
p4- She kissed IMO She kisses
p4- Lemme see that IMO Lemme sees that
p5- The very first dialog is written on the action line
p5- Hoods nod IMO Hood nods, jump IMO jumps
p5- Root stand IMO stands. hoods is Capital H IMO
p6- Brya gets into the car two times in one scene without getting out IMO.

I hope I was helpfull. I will read the rest two tomorrow.
Have a nice one  

Hi Simon,

I opened this up yesterday and like others have said, with the way the formatting is I found it hard to read.

So I left it till today to read again and I'm glad I did. I like the story and the interactions between Root and Brya. I really like her attitude and the way things play out. Yes - the storyline has been done a million times, but it's all about how the different scenes play out and how the different characters make you feel in 'that' story, right?

As I said I liked it, the only thing I had difficulty with was the way the formatting read, probably because I hadn't seen it done like that before. Also, IMO, I liked the slang, I thought it worked and the unusual names, IMO they suited the characters.
Hope this helps.

Renee

Hey Simon,

Always pleased to give reads to contributing members.

Firstly I would like to bring up your technique, maybe this is something your still fine-tuning much like myself. I have become very fond of dashes in a script and honestly think they do work to great effect if used at the right time. I wasn't too sure yours was here and the use of mini's which I noticed in your feature is also a bit hit and miss for me.

I also find that you rarely set the scene we're in which makes visualising your scenes very difficult. The action is tight no doubt but it almost feels like your "underwriting" sometimes. Not giving enough info to help your story move forward or setting the scene. Hope that makes sense, mate.

Some notes I took:

P.1  "it teeth" Should be its.

I would love to see a cat "bemused"

What's happened? I was hoping this was some type of Tom and Jerry type comedy... Damn!

"looks like a whore." Love it, mate. I have to be honest and say "short hair" and "tattoos" kind of gives me an image of a lesbian... In fact, if the hair is blonde then I think work with this person.

"Through the bar, to a set of seats" I found this confusing to start the sentence this way. Also think it's redundant, you could have start with him flinging her.

"WHAP!" Why have an exclamation mark? Isn't "whap" being capped enough... I'm throwing out a genuine question here? Does it need it?

"a open" Should this be "an open"

"flings" Repetitive word use here.

"male" unnecessary IMO, don't know many female Matt's.

Do we need a mini for the corridor after they've exited the office?

"AXE BEET" What a cracking name.

"hold papers" change hold to "holds" for a smoother read. That's all he needs anyway, more paperwork to add to the desk.

P.2 "-- enough." Why was this Axe? This felt like it should have been Matt, he came across as the lead figure. It's then Matt in the next scene talking to Brya?

P.3 "Axe is one my best." Missing "of" after one. Should this be Roots?

"pant" should be pants.

"fob out" Okay, what's a fob? I'm just glad it was "f" and not "n"

"Matt holds a BRIEFCASE over to Axe." Holds should be hands.

P.4 Look out for "off" becomes repetitive at the top of the page.

I'm little confused at the moment... hopefully all will become clear.

"CAR-LOT" Think this should be parking lot. Car lot's are kind of used in dealerships I thought.

"Brya place the BAG in a the trunk" Take out "a" Also place should be places.

This actually makes the "Brya at the trunk of a vehicle" line redundant.

"she kissed him," Should be kisses.

"sitting on a sofa," Why not "sits" and a sofa? Seems weird.

P.5 I'm not sure what happened to the dialogue on the top of page 5? Must be your software.

"the bar" This is unnecessary, we know this from the slug, could be:

"Root exits - two briefcases in each hand,"

"hang on a couple of cars." Awkward phrasing for me.

"Root stand" Should be stands but I think it's superfluous detail. "Root watches the hoods go"

How many hoods was there?

"And old Pontiac pulls up." This reads very awkward. Why not "The old Pontiac pulls up" I'm guessing this means they've pulled over but why on a highway?

P.6 Are we still inside the car when they exit? We haven't moved back outside?

They've got .45's... what a coincidence.

P.7 "you boys." Think this should be "your boys"

"Where’s you back-up." And again here. you should be your.

Yeah, I'm afraid I was left a little confused. I wasn't sure if some scenes were flashbacks or not, it felt like a sting but Brya double-crossed everyone in the end. Axe disappeared and let Brya and Root take the money, and I have no idea what the money was for. If it was a sting then they would have been buying something but Root had another case of money. Then she whips out her I.D but shoots the fella like a bad-ass which cops wouldn't do normally.

It felt like a complicated double-crossing plot but there wasn't enough here to get all the info across. I mean what did the warehouse have to do with it and why were the cops waiting there? Maybe this was a drop-off point or something but it was never revealed.

People have mentioned the names but I kinda liked them. Certainly different from the usual "John Smith" which was nice. Also liked the snappy dialogue and how you tied the cat and rat reference in.

Overall, the story needs to be clearer for me I'm afraid.

Cheers. :)

Steve

Hello, Simon.

After you were kind enough to read my script, I thought I'd return the favor. But I couldn't find any of your work. Reading some of the comments here left by others, I understand why I couldn't find anything written by you, but at last. Anyway, in the spirit of reciprocity, here's my critique of your script.

"Cat" feels like a complete misrepresentation of an "Urban Crime Thriller."
First, the characters are stock: an abusive pimp, an uptight commander, a undercover cop willing to do anything to bring the bad guy to justice.

Second, the slang in this script is so inauthentic, it's distracting. I've never heard the expression "shit-kicker." If your story is contemporary and your characters are African American, they would be of part of the Hip-Hop generation. Folks in that age group don't talk the way you have them talking. Just listen to any Rap album or urban film from the 90s or early aughts.
This script reminded me of those early eighties movies that were set in the inner-city or low income neighborhoods but were written, directed, and acted by people who knew little about life in those areas, like white guys from USC or black actors from Julliard.

As to the symbolism, it felt superfluous. It was neither an enhancement nor detraction.

Lastly, the story itself wasn't intriguing. It's pace tested my patience. I didn't know what was going on and toward the end I didn't care. I didn't know what was at stake? I never felt like BRYA's life was in peril. I never felt ROOT was so dangerous. By the way, why bother to name characters if the names are never spoken in the dialogue? (That's an earnest question--was it done purposely?)

With all that said, I must commend you for writing something that made me cringe as I read it. BRYA is getting abuse from both sides of the law. And the image of ROOT dragging her around is unsettling. If you weren't going for cringe, you succeeded at it, anyway. It was also gritty and atmospheric--nice aesthetics. I felt like a sticky film had enveloped me while I was reading this--kudos for that. If this does get produced, I hope it's set during a heatwave--scorching sunlight in the day and humid evenings--wet brows and sweat soaked clothing.

Best regards,
rmaze.

PS the verb snipe means to shoot from a concealed vantage point.

@ Dan - Hey Dan! Cheers for the read. Yeah, the past-tense used there, well spotted. :-/ On the 'My b***' dialogue - checked it, and it's actually formatted as action - don't know what happened there - but glad to see you're ahead of the game -- in blaming Celtx  ;D . Yeah - I wrote it in an hour, then umm'd and aaah'd about it for ages. I can see a lot of the problems with it now - they just don't come up in such sharp relief until someone lights them up. Glad you liked it overall :)

@ Bill - Thanks for the read - it's the first time I've really played a heavy metaphor as an opener, and it hasn't been shot down too badly, so I think it worked okay (just a pity about the rest of it ...). On the names - I tend to write them large in my head, so I probably just need to tone them down if I'm going to post. Jeff's ticked me off on clarity - visual clarity, so it's something I'll be addressing.

@ E.D. - I must be doing well if I've got your eyes on this one. Names, yes - I picked up one that can be dropped with ease, and it'll give the script a little more efficiency. On the liberties - I'll agree with you here, and I'm guessing you're referring to things like 'kick a heel' - too many too often. Hints re Brya identity were bottom of p3/top of p4. Thanks for the read though - much appreciated.

@ Eoin - thanks for the read - I get what you mean, but in all honesty, this was mainly driven by not wanting to go to great lengths to explore characters motivation & have to set everything up, as that can sap the energy out of a script. But it's obviously not a easy task, and I'm not saying I got it right here. I didn't feel that the hit was the reveal of Brya's identity - more what she does: as a police officer, she has no backup and blows the guy's face off, partly in revenge for the way he treated her, and maybe so she can go run off with the money. But like you say, probably too much going on to really make that clear.

@ Jahon - Hi Jahon. Good spots there, I need to go and sort them out - believe me, I do proff-reed, it's just amazing how much can be missed.

@ Renee - Hi, and thanks for the read. I've done a couple of scripts now with women coming out on top - I think they have very different dynamcs to men, so I'm glad you liked the way Root and Brya played out - the metaphor at the beginning was about them.

@ Coop - hey Coop. "Fine tuning your technique ..." You're too kind -- I say it's a little more than that, but hey, what's a mile or two in good company? Visualization's come up a couple of times - & yeah, I do think it's 'under-written' though a couple of people have said the opposite.

Do Aussie cats never get bemused? Probably too chilled. Check Blighty - bemused cats all over the place. ;D

p2 - It's Axe because he's also undercover with Brya. You'll hate the fact that she was dating Axe, and betrayed him in a love-triangle with Root. But the subtext was there. Honest.

Yeah - the story could be a lot clearer. The warehouse was where Brya and Root were supposed to be - and Brya does double-cross everyone. I'll be checking out your notes against it - thanks for that - you always put a lot of effect in - appreciated.

@ rmaze - Thanks for the read  I had to go back and check which scripts: "Cowboy's Burden" - good piece of work. Yeah - I'd never heard the expression 'sh*t-kicker' - I made it up (I quite liked it). To be honest, I know little about actors from Julliard, and I don't think the script attempted to make any socio-political point.

This clearly didn't do it for you, and that's cool. I don't quite follow what you mean when you say "why bother to name characters if the names are never spoken in the dialogue?". Characters are named if they have dialogue, and speak. I'm not too sure if you meant something else, here?

Thanks for the read anyway - you've raised some intelligent points here that I need to consider.

Hey Simon - I think the first story I read from you was Billy and you did a great job with that so when I saw you wrote Cat I had to read it. First off, it's an engaging story but It was a little hard to get into simply because of the names. Not to say everybody has to be named Steve or Jason but some of the names were a bit odd. Saying that though the plot was solid and I liked the characters. Liked the contrast of the cat eating the rat in turn the undercover cop busting the druglord at the end. Great job-
                                                                                                          Dirk

Hi Dirk - thanks for the read -- yeah, the names I often do like that to make the characters stand out for me when I'm writing it .. a couple of other people remarked on this, so I'm going to rename. Cheers for the read!

Simon

I realise I’m about six months late to the party here for these two scripts, I had them saved on my computer and only getting around to commenting on them now.
I read it first when I downloaded it and didn’t fully understand it, I just gone back to it and given it a couple of reads and still have questions.

First off, I love the name of the characters, Spike Lee would be proud. I particularly like Root Tune, just a cool name to say.

There are a lot of characters to digest here in such few pages which I’m unlike some people, I’m not criticizing since I’ve done it and  more importantly, on screen it won’t be a problem.

My interpretation of the events depicted are as follows: This is some kind of sting operation with Root on the receiving end. All the other characters are cops with Byra working undercover. There is a passing of briefcases which I’m not too sure is about. Does one contain counterfeit or laundered money.

The story appears to jump back and forth in time, intertwining the cops setting up the sting and Root beating Byra so it would do no harm (while completely adhering to format) to include a (FLASHBACK) and (PRESENT) in the scene headings, that’s if I’m correct in my assumptions.

At the end I’m reading it that Byra has cheated everyone and taken off with both briefcases?

If so, the “Cat got the rat, bit?h” line is a little confusing as it misleads one to think Root is the double-crosser or stool pigeon in the whole operation but that doesn’t add up for a couple of reasons. Again, correct me if I’m wrong here.

Questions:
Why is Root beating Byra?

What is Axe’s role in the op?

On the technical side, I like your writing style, I think the staccato action lines work better here tan Billy, very lean and direct. The dialogue too, although it’s a little too elliptical and oblique at times, has some sharp moments.

I can only presume you’ve answered a post like this a dozen times already but I like to read scripts blindsided, sorry if you have to repeat yourself.

Regards

Col.

Hi Col - yeah this was a while back - I've changed some things on this script now, but I've not uploaded a re-write yet.

Regarding the end - yeah, Brya wins out in the end. Re. 'Cat got the rat ... ' - well Brya is the cat and Root is the rat, so I figured it worked? The opener refers to the dynamics - basically cats (cops) normally chase rats (criminals), but Root (rat bares its teeth) tries it on with Brya (cat) and he looses. Also there's the reference on p4 to Brya walking in '...like the cat got the cream'.

Root beating Brya is just to show he's nasty (and I kinda liked the visual).

Axe and Cat are working together, both undercover.

Anyway - thanks for the read - better late than never:)

Ok, some interesting metaphors working here, each character playing a role but to just include Root beating Byra because it was a cool visual probably explains why it doesn't fit narrative-wise thus jarring the read.

Perhaps you want this read more as an allegorical piece told through visual cues rather than a straight story, either way, I would be open to reading the latest draft if you wanted another opinion on it.

Hey Si

I was gonna read a couple of shorts this morning and apparently they're both yours :D:D

Unlike "Billy" I read the replies first and I notice you haven't updated it, so I won't go into the issues that have already been covered.

I just have to say that I like the slang, it really creates character... but of course the "names".

Just let me know when you've posted the updated version and I'll give you better feedback.

Mark

Okay - cheers Mark, I'm going to take into account some of the latest feedback as I like some of the things peole have have said - however late to the party - I'm just not too sure how to update - I guess you go throught the normal process but let Don know it's an update?

Yeah that's pretty much it... When u submit it, just let Don know  in the "any questions  or notes" box below the logline box.


Mark

Simon, I went down the list of "New Unproduced Scripts" that Don posted yesterday and found this one. You read a lot on these boards so I thought I'd give it a read. I was quite surprised to see that it was first posted last summer? Lol! Oh well, I'm slow, what can I say.

To be honest, I had to read this one twice in order to figure out what it really was about. You introduce us to a lot of characters right off the bat on page one. The problem there for me was that the descriptions of them were all about looks. Therefore, I had no idea that some were cops. In my mind, they were just people. Perhaps show something or have them say something that tells us they are cops. That way we can identify and remember them as a group of cops.

Then we have Root who's just not a nice guy and then there's Brya. A 24 year old who turns out to be an under cover cop.

The story itself, I guess, is a sting of some sort. The problem with it for me is that we don't know any of the characters enough to care about them. In fact, I never even knew who our protag is. That's why when writing these short shorts, it's super important not to have too many characters. There can be background characters. That's fine, because we know those are not going to be our heroes, so we don't concentrate on them. Keep the properly introduced characters with dialogue at a minimum. If this was my script, I would have Brya be the protag and Root the antag. Matt, Axe and Dean for example would just be Brya's back-up characters.

Second, I felt this to be a bit bland. There isn't really anything new or interesting going on here. We don't know what the deal is. What is this whole sting thing about? Why not make some clever plot twist in the end that Brya's not just an under cover cop, but she's also smart enough to plan this so that she herself walks away with the money. Give us something more than what this story is right now.

And who's CORRIDOR MATT?  ;)

Anyway, not bad, but IMHO needs more to really grab a reader/audience.

simon, the opening scene seemed to have been written purely to provoke a negative response to "whores" and black males. for that reason alone, i left after having read the first sentence of dialogue. it just seems as if you played to an image in your head which you liked, but that, nonetheless, won't ever be marketable. now, i bet you have some seriously good stories to tell beyond this one. i'd be interested to see a few of them for comparison's sake, at least.

Hi Pia - thanks for the thoughtful feedback. Yeah - in the end Brya does take the money - she's no need to shoot he guy as his weapon has no ammo in it. And Corridor Matt - didn't even see that one - I'll have to change it ...  :)

Hi Cour. Thanks for the read. The first sentence of dialogue is "We've been compromised.", so I'm not with you there. If I'd wanted to provoke a negative response to black males I've had done it. That doesn't bother me in the least. Here, we have a drugged (looking) male who is black. That's all. It happens. Brya's dressed like a prostitute, because that's how prostitutes dress - although she's not a pro. It was intended as an impact image, and as such I think it works - there may have been better ways of doing it, okay; but it sets up the nature of the 'supposed' relationship between the two quickly (and maybe effectively?), which is what I wanted. Thanks for the feedback nonetheless.

Simon

Just tried opening this.  There's a problem at dropbox.


Phil