My Weekend with David by Richard Longhorn (Abeoldieboy) - Short, Drama - A Father with no money struggles to raise his kids. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Richard,

Second script of yours that I've read. Still waiting on some reply on the first script that I gave feedback to, so I will refrain from most of my comments.

I originally opened this script because it has a very similar story to a script I am currently writing. I was interested to see how other people approached this topic.

The script does need a little work. If/when you make an appearance, I'll go into more detail. Send me a pm to let me know if you're around.

Overall, not bad.

Daniel

Hey Richard,

You sent me a pm and I am more than willing to review for those who ask. I still think that this script needs a little work. You have a few typos, nothing major, but I would suggest fixing these up, just so you have a cleaner script. From time to time your dialogue slips into the unrealistic area, where it just sounds a little on-the-nose. Dialogue is a tricky thing to get right, but with practice it will come to you.

Your story is good. Nothing special, but definitely good. The only problem I had there was the ending to the entire thing. We'll get to that later :)

Page 1:

                MARGARET
   Daddy wants to know if your hungry.

-"Your" should be "you're"

Page 6:

                MARGARET
   Can't we go to ant Jane's again?

-"ant" should be "aunt."

                ROBERT AND MARGARET
         (simultaneously)
   Yay!

-The "simultaneously" is a bit redundant. We can assume that they are both talking at the same time as you state it in the dialogue heading.

"INT. PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT

David is inside the phone booth on the phone." - We know that the location is the 'PHONE BOOTH' as you state it in the slug-line, so why would you mention it in the action, as well? I'd just have...

"INT. PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT

David is on the phone."

- See how that still makes sense, even though I've changed the wording?

Now, we get to the ending. Personally, I thought the way you ended it with the Grandfather was pointless and a little odd, to be honest. Not only that, but it also created an anti-climax to your entire story. I mean, just before it, we had this dramatic scene full of tears and what-have-you and then straight after that a scene with a grandfather talking to his grandchild. It just feels so out of place.

Sorry to end on a bad note. I think this one has potential. It just needs a bit of a clean-up here and there and maybe an ending that doesn't fall flat.

Your best that I've read, so far :)

Daniel

Thanks for the review. I don't know about you, but I always struggle with the endings of short scripts. I never know if it's too much or too little.  I

I only wrote "Simultaneously" when two characters speak because some book told me that it is the proper format.

Quoted from Abeoldieboy Thanks for the review. I don't know about you, but I always struggle with the endings of short scripts. I never know if it's too much or too little.

Yeah I see where you're coming from. I say just get rid of the scene with the grandfather and you may have a solid ending.

Quoted from Abeoldieboy I only wrote "Simultaneously" when two characters speak because some book told me that it is the proper format.

Fair enough. To me, that just doesn't make sense, but do what you feel comfortable with.