Bitter Monarch by Erica Vogel (AustinWriterEV) - Short, Fairy Tale - When a fashion model collects brides to maintain her beauty, one groom fights back. 13 pages - pdf, format 8)

Aside from a few format glitches, this has got to be one of the more creative stories I've read in awhile.   I enjoyed the ride.  Was hoping for a happy ending though.  As for the fomat, title page has logline on it and no author's name.  That's very bizarre.  Also Fade In should be on the left, and Fade Out on the right.  

Also, some of the description paragraphs are kinda thick.   You could spread it out more.  But personally I could care less.  You're story flowed very well and captured my imagination.

I kept thinking to myself you had the right ammunition, but used the wrong gun. The ending made me realize why you used a modern setting for your interesting fairy tale. I love these kind of stories.

The theme of beauty and it's expiration date compliments the antagonist's ego and drive. I think if you breathed some life into Model # 1, it would not take anything away from your twist at the end, but make it more dramatic and powerful.

I had some issues, starting with the way you move the story. It is a fairy tale, but there has to be a better way to get the characters from point A to B without feeling forced or by chance. Also, why did you cut off Lindy's dialogue at the end with her Grandmother? Let her finish, let those epic last words seal your theme!

Great and original story, thanks for the read.

Erica, this is a fantastic story.

As written, it's not a fantastic screenplay, and I bet you're a writer but not a screenwriter, as there are numerous issues in terms of this being a script...but wow...what a great, creative story.  Amazed to say I loved it.

Visually, the writing is very weak - it's actually difficult to "see" what's gong on much of the time.  Shocking amount of orphans running rampant.  Some action/description passages are too long.  Characters aren't properly intro'd (not always CAPPED correctly, and poorly described usually).  You use some asides that don't work for me.  A few other little things.

But...the concept?  The story?  The impact?  All fantastic!  I'd love to see this filmed with some budget behind it, as I bet it could be a seriously awesome short.

Great work!

The imagination of the premise is superb (I don't say that lightly). But mainly I agree with johnnynuts here:

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo ...I had some issues, starting with the way you move the story. It is a fairy tale, but there has to be a better way to get the characters from point A to B without feeling forced or by chance...

..and here:

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo Great and original story, thanks for the read.

:)

I really liked your story. I read it a while ago and forgot to comment.

First of - beautiful imagination. The story is very strong - you got me glued to the screen.

The beginning of it - I think you went straight to action and maybe you could start with introducing the couple to us. So, I'd vote for the slow build - I think it'll better suit your story.
The ending - I'm not sure about it either. I started wondering whose story it was. It might be because you introduced that model very late in the story - and she happens to be the power mind behind it all.

It's still a very nice short, thanks.