The Greatest Illusion by Nat Miles - Short, Drama - A short film about an aspiring magician's first performance, and the doubt and anxiety that goes along with it. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

I'm going to be confused and say nobody was ever in the audience? It's a total illusion?

Not sure I get it.

Nat,

Interesting idea, but this left me pretty confused as to what was happening, especially with the audience and Roger.  

I get the impression you have this story all figured out in your head, and you’re trying to hide certain elements so as not to give away the ending.  But as readers we need to have a clear picture as to what is taking place.  I couldn’t tell what the grand illusion was -- if Roger was the illusion (or Alfred’s delusion) if it was the audience..?  

As to the writing, a good rule of thumb is not to let ‘action’ run over four lines (some would say less) it helps build a series of short, concise images.  On p.6 you have a block of action lasting 20 lines, which reads more like a vague outline for the action rather than what should actually be seen on screen.

Elsewhere you seem to take the long way round in describing simple actions:

Roger grabs the radio (walkie talkie) from his his side and
puts it to his mouth.

Could omit that whole line and just have:

ROGER
(into radio)
Alright, we're ready. Pull the
curtains.

We know from the next line of dialogue he’s talking to an OPERATOR (Stage Technician?).  Could always show Roger with the radio in the intro -- also give us some ages for characters.  

I didn’t think the dialogue was bad, seemed like Alfred had some presence on the stage. Overall the whole concept has potential, right now it lacks clarity.  Hopefully you’re around to provide that.  I’ll keep an eye out.

Steve.

Magic always makes some of the most compelling stories, but what makes them so compelling isn't the magic alone-it's the ones who use it.

The ones who use magic can create, vanish, break the rules and achieve the impossible for any audience who is willing to watch, but the audience will never see the whole truth. We the audience know there is something more, these type of stories can just hit you so hard.

I read your work a few times over, it was a bit overwhelming to see if you had planted some seeds in there. I'll piggyback off the others and say I am still confused and I know a true magician never reveals all, but maybe you can tell us your secret just this once! ;)

I actually enjoyed this script. I get it. I understand what the other reviewers meant about it being slightly hard to follow but in the end it all makes sense. Good job.

This was a good script, I thoroughly enjoyed it and I understood it for the most part. I do agree with miles about the action paragraph being quite overwhelming, I'm sure it could be shortened while achieving the same goal.

Mmm. Looks poorly concieved and poorly executed to me.

My take on it is that he deludes himself into having Roger there, and then goes on stage early, deluding himself he has an audience, while the audience inevitably begin to turn up.

The writing needs some work - much of reads like a short story - lots of telling, and a lack of descriptive action.

Apart from Alfred being 'a bit nervous' there doesn't feel like there is much at stake. The dramatic feel needs to be upped here.

The camera works needs to come out, but is poorly executed anyway, even if they were needed.

What's the conclusion? The payoff? Alfred walks off-stage after having a good night at work? Needs more, really. A lot more.