Saving Marcus by Clinton Green - Drama - Upon being released from prison, a murderous man attempts to connect with the young daughter he's never met while resisting the thrall of his own dangerous father figure. 114 pages  - rtf format

Contest: Top five finalist WRITE LA

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Well written. Some flaws.  Slug lines do not need to be bolded.

INCORRECT: EXT. SPRAWLING ARISONA MANSION - MORNING

CORRECT: EXT. MANSION - DAY

Sprawling and Arizona can be described in the action lines.  In a spec script, you might want to stick to DAY and NIGHT. No Morninigs, Evenings, Dawn, ect.

The main problem with this is that it is overwritten.

I'm not one to care about curse words, but I'm assuming you are going to send this to an agency of some sort so I recommend taking out the N word as much as you can.

Excellent script! What a great thing when you come across a gem!
Structure and format is just fine. I wouldn't worry about the minor flaws.

I minor rewrite to fix:
Jeff Character -- I'd make him flawed. Not make him as dialed into the son therefore it would be more plausible that he would not put up much protest regarding his son visiting his real father in the hood.

Dimitri -- I feel Dimitri is the Hero. I'd make him GIFTED. So gifted that HE'S the one that decided to seek out his father in an attempt to RESOLVE the dying mother's wishes. Would like to hear more nerd/smart talk from him -- especially at the park and zoo. Really school Marcus and Maxine on such things.

Action -- I feel the Dimitri runaway scene should serve the purpose of showing
a. Dimiti's influence in the broader world
b. The broader world's influence on Dimitri (helping him to arc)
c. Add a little danger - raise the stakes as to why Dimitri a 7 year old gifted kid should not be on these streets or really around his flawed father Marcus.

What I LOVED:
Maxine Character -- loved her ARC (call me Maxine, call me Grandma)
Marcus Character -- Like Maxine, they don't mask where they come from. It is what it is. But they try. They are honest and FLAWED. classic tragedy.
The writing! -- C.L. Green -- please tell us you've been SIGNED!        

Hi chckdudley. Nice to see you post a script up here.

Couple of minors:
"lying frail and sickly in a massive bed, but this doesn’t stop her beauty."
- Comes across as odd.

"What remaining life in Celeste suddenly shines in her eyes ..."
- Needs rewording.

"Nah, I’m cool ..."
- A lot of the dialogue came across as okay - but do hoods say "Nah"?

I think you'll find that C.L.Green has yet to be signed -- but there's some promise hiding in there. IMO.