Klingon Gagh by Brendan Curtis (bcurt) - Short - A young man makes a discovery that gives him the confidence he needs. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

I just want to add that this was my first screenplay which was an assignment for class. The assignment was for a character to make a discovery during the screenplay, without going over 3 pages.

BCurt...

If this is your first screenplay, then GREAT job!

I have to admit, about 1.5 pages through ...I was thinking ...he 's GOT to bump into Becky at the convention! So ...I did see the end coming.

It's often hard to develop a lot in a short, especially a three page short, so we ache for that twist at the end....and you did have a cute twist(I would've liked for it to be a lil more of a surprise).

The dialogue could be tightened up some and tweaked. Few typos--

Good job for your first, man! Look forward to reading more from you!

PY

Hey Brendan,

I thought this was a nice little story, that had me smiling at the end. I saw it coming, but good job getting a grin out of me, nonetheless.

In terms of writing, most of it was pretty good. There was one small moment on page 1, which I thought I might mention. When you first describe Nick I felt that you went into a little too much description regarding him being skinny. I mean, at the end of the day, your audience only cares about the skinny part; the part about his skinniness being genetic was a little pointless IMO.

Other then that small thing, I though this was a well-told story. And it's your first screenplay!

Great job, mate :)

Daniel

Hey Brendan,

I agree with Daniel about the description of Nick and you could trim the FADE OUT's but apart from that, this was a nice little geeky love story.  I saw the end coming but that didn't matter.

Well done on completing a script to specific instruction too.  it can be tricky when you're given a page limit.

Hey Brendan,

I've seen you a little on the boards here and there, so I thought I'd check this out.

A cute little story, but the ending is pretty easy to see coming.  I was expecting a bigger twist.  Saying how Nick seems so focused on The Next Generation, I was kind of hoping Nick would bump into Becky at the convention and she would be dressed up as the hot green slave girl from the original series, and he asks who she's supposed to be, and Nick learns that there's a whole series of Star Trek before Next Generation.  Now that'd be a discovery!

But this was good for a couple laughs.

How'd you do on the assignment, by the way?

- Mark

Quoted from BCurt I just want to add that this was my first screenplay which was an assignment for class. The assignment was for a character to make a discovery during the screenplay, without going over 3 pages.

You done good.
:)
John

Hi - this isn't bad for a first script at all. Mainy it's cleanly written, and that's big plus.

True, the story needs a little more to it, but it does have the key elements there characters, conflict, set-up and resolution - so it's a good base to work from - hope to see more from you.

Simon

Hey Brendan,

Decided to check this one out because of the title and the reader friendly 3 pages.

It's cute but lacks any real punch, not really much here but I understand you had a page count to adhere to. You can see the ending coming a mile away. Maybe if the assignments over (how'd you do BTW?) you could expand this and give it some more substance.

Some minor things in the writing but on the whole, it's decent enough for a first effort, you should be pleased with this one.

Good luck and keep writing. :)

Steve

Nice.
I liked it.
It was straightforward and was a quick read (not just because it's 3 pages.)

I could definitely see this becoming some sort of full length romantic comedy.

And since this is your first attempt, kudos!
Way better than my first try.

Great job! Keep up the good work.

Gagh, eh?  While the sensation of death spasms in one's mouth is undeniably delightful, I'll take a good Rokeg blood pie instead.   ;D

An idea which could increase the sense of jeopardy in the story would be for Greg to run into Becky on the way to the convention, with her still in her normal clothes, rather than at school.  This way, he thinks he's been totally exposed as a loser, which might up the punchline a bit.  Just a thought.

Dear Branden,

I like a story when a doubtful love relationship connects together for the good of both the male and female.

It is my understanding is that Nick is in love with Becky, and that he does not know how to approach her with the correct words to say.

Then all of a sudden they both bump into each other at the Star Trek Convention, In which connects them both together with a hobby interest in which they both a fan of.

Since this is your first story you've written. And it was a class assignment, I would like to say that it is a good solid rock short story.

Darryl

I was comment to comment that this script needs to be fleshed out more, then I saw your comment about your page limitation.  Given this, I have to say you did a good job with it.

My only complaint with it is how you introduce Nick.

Quoted Text NICK, a 17 year old star trek nerd who is skinny from genetics rather than physical exercise, lies on his bed.

When writing a screenplay, you should describe things in ways that can be recorded by the camera.  Sight and sound.  I got the impression that he was a sci-fi nerd by the posters on the wall.  But saying he was skinny because of genetics doesn't really work.  All we see is a skinny teen and that's all the description you really need.

Once again, good job with this.


Phil

Hi Brendan,

Saw the title and clicked on it almost immediately. To be completely honest, I am not a Star Trek fan (can feel judgement being passed at the moment), but I watch the Big Bang Theory, and this seemed to me to be something very interesting that would wave the nerd/geek flag high.

After reading the screenplay, I must say that I enjoy the story. While I knew where it was going, I went along with it anyway. It is an entertaining short kept within 3 pages.

Couple of things:

• Do give GREG and BECKY their ages, though yes, it is very much obvious, but nonetheless, it's an additional detail that makes the screenplay feel complete.
  
• Besides the first mention of each of the characters, their subsequent mention in any other action lines do not require their names to be in caps.
  

That's 'bout it!

Brendan, a nice little three pager here.  As others mentioned, the ending was obvious, and it's hard to say what else you could do in such a short time frame.  A twist might have been that she had come to the convention, but she came with another guy because Nick didn't ask her to come.  It would have been bittersweet, but I don't think we would have necessarily expected it.

As a first script, this was a nice little piece.  The dialogue wasn't bad -- maybe a couple of places it felt a little clunky, but for a first go round it was fine.  As you continue to write, you'll see that your dialogue starts to flow more naturally.

I will note there were two or three places where there were grammatical errors, so just make sure you tighten that up.  For example, in your slug, "Parking Lot" is two words.  There were a couple of places on page 3 where you don't have periods at the end of a sentence.

Otherwise, good job!  Congrats!

Gary

Quoted from Steex I could definitely see this becoming some sort of full length romantic comedy.

Agreed.

I liked it a lot.

Nerd is afraid to ask out hot girl, hot girl ends up being a nerd too.
Real cute.

Maybe this could be fleshed out into a feature.
With the 3 page limitation and the objective of a "discovery," it was a good effort.