Hey Christopher,
Got to page 11, before I put this one down, sorry. I think your writing still has a long way to go. For starters, there are simple formatting issues, which you really could be spotting on a first read through of this. Your pages aren't numbered correctly. Page 1 reads as Page 2, Page 2 as 3 and so on.
On top of that, the script is overwritten by quite a bit. You often tend to go into details that people don't really care that much about. At the same time, you (on occasion) leave out the details that we DO actually care about. It's a bit mixed when it comes to that. I wont just leave you with a flat review. Instead, I'll try and go into an in-depth review with what I read.
"BLACKNESS" - To be honest, I don't know why you have this at the start of your script at all. It seems pointless. Nothing's happening during the "BLACKNESS" so why choose to have it there in the first place? I'd just kick the read off with the normal "FADE IN" here.
"A boy and his mother chat about school." - What are they saying? Simply saying what you have, wont work, I'm afraid. Using this technique is alright when describing the activities of extras, but as these two are your main characters, you need to have exactly what they're saying, word-for-word. Can you imagine a director taking this and saying to his actors "Right, guys! Improv a conversation about school! Go!" ? It just doesn't work like that.
You should always describe characters when we FIRST meet them, rather than later on in the scene.
"His smile is wide as he thinks of a good place to have fun with his mother." - Unless you are physically going into his mind, this sentence is redundant. How can the audience tell what he's thinking?
I'd just have "David smiles, broadly."
Page 2: "As she stops, david..." - "david" should be "David."
Page 3: "Her son's expression changes from happiness to slight sadness for her." - "Happy" and "Sad" ... Call me picky, but even in Primary (Elementary) School, those words are frowned upon. I suggest you get hold of a thesaurus and maybe find some more creative words.
Also, another formatting thing, is your use of "CONTINUED" and "CONT'D" ... They really aren't needed and often get in the way.
Page 5: "THE NEXT DAY" - Is that supposed to be a SUPER? If so, you might want to include that in your screenplay and make it "SUPER: THE NEXT DAY."
Page 6:
DAVID
(Flabbergasted)
No way.
Drop the parenthetical, here IMO. It's not needed.
Page 8: "A little frustrated now, she puts the diamond on the table to get her instant coffee ready." - Again, an example of overwriting. No one cares about the instant coffee, it's the rock we want to know about.
"For the first time in her life, she can hear the desperation in his voice." - Again, how do we know this is 'the first time in her life?'
Page 9: "Inside, david..." - Capitalize "David."
"Kelly, (Mother) places the wrapped item on the counter." - I can't for the life of me, think why you wouldn't name Kelly when we first see her. This whole time you've referred to her as 'Mother' but NOW you want to give her a name? It just doesn't make sense to me.
That's where I stopped.
As for the story, there really isn't much to it if I'm honest. Granted, I haven't read much, but at the end of the day, this isn't something that's blown my mind. There's nothing new to it. A kid making a wish that comes true. That's an opening I'm used to, and quite frankly, see nothing particularly original in it. There may be something in this, but unfortunately, it's hard to get through.
A below average job, if I'm honest. However, after all those cruel/harsh words I will say this. You're not far off having a well-written script. You just need to take some feedback onboard and work with it. Get rid of those overwritten parts and correct some of that formating, and people will respond well to this.
Good Luck!
Daniel
I'm afraid I had to stop when David, a 9 year old, says "You're not old. A little bit over the hill, but not old."
Precocious or not, what 9 year old talks like this? Took me right out of the story.